How to handle my difficult DF

[ehohpo]

I'll start by saying I love my DF a lot. He is kind and funny and can be quite wise. But as he gets older I find him increasingly illogical and dogmatic. We've given up talking about politics because although we share political views he can't listen and engage and just lectures regardless of whether he knows what he's talking about (I work in politics).

When it comes to my life it's worse as he makes snap decisions about my work / relationships/ finances and likes to tell me what is happening, what will happen, what should happen and won't listen.

It drives me bananas and I end up feeling really frustrated and quite angry that I'm being treated like a stupid child when actually I am in my mid 40s with serious job, long term partner, DC etc.

I want to have a good relationship with him and share more than superficial details of my life but I have no idea how to handle him when he refuses to listen and starts giving his opinions as though they are fact. It's sort of extreme mansplaining I suppose.

So what do I do?

I ended up having a massive row in the end with my DH. I called him disrespectful, arrogant and tiresome.
He likes the sound of his own voice which irritates sometimes but this particular day I was furious and just snapped after months of the same as you're going through.
It's an 'age', thing with men in their 50's/60's evidently. Who knew? I tell him straight to get over himself and it works for a week or two but it recurs. And I have another go at him...and then we laugh about it.
You just have to find humour in the situation.
And wine helps!

That's just it - we both have good sense of humour but somehow it totally deserts me when I'm being talked over and dominated

I've noticed with elderly relatives that as they get deafer they find it easier to dominate a conversation than to interact flexibly. Could that be part of it? If it is, he may be feeling isolated and as if his opinions don't count any more. I think I'd mainly listen and nod, glass in hand, but later on do my own thing. I always try to find something we can laugh about together.

This sounds so much like my DF and I don’t know that the kind of relationship (I imagine) you want can be achieved but would love someone to correct me! What would a better relationship look like? Two way conversations and no lecturing? From my own experience I would think he’s unlikely to change his ways now. My DF has exceedingly traditional views about women’s roles which I cannot abide (and there is no adjusting his mindset because he is never wrong) and so have long since stopped sharing all but the most superficial of details with him. I have tried to keep up a relationship for the sake of my DM (who isn’t well but doesn’t live at home) and DC, but it’s awkward as he sulks if I don’t take his advice on everything (as he is never wrong) and woah does he have a lot of advice and opinions for me. It’s very very wearing having to justify your own very reasonable opinions and wants all the time to someone who will not bend their view. My DF has just fallen out with me over Christmas and for once I am not running around compromising to return control to him and it’s honestly a relief.

He won't listen? Two can play at that game. Drop eye contact, tune out, don't respond, check your phone.

If challenged "I tuned out because you had switched from chatting to a monologue. You seem to have reduced capacity for the normal flow of conversation recently. Are you OK? Have you seen the doctor."

Also, don't dismiss the power of completely losing it and shouting at him to stop the bloody mansplaining. Or ask directly if thinks you are a moron. Embarrass him into checking his behaviour.