Fear of splitting up

[katy78]

Hi there.
I have been with my partner 8 years and we have a mortgage in a city where we have no family and no friends (besides a few work acquaintances). After years of my partner being vague, and me being deludedly hopeful, I recently had a frank discussion with him and basically learnt that he will never want to get married or have kids. I want those things; so I know there is only one piece of advice: Leave. However, I’m frightened. I’m about to turn 30 and all my single friends have been chronically single. There have also been a number of threads on here recently talking about being 35+ or 40+ and still single, struggling to find a partner with the biological clock ticking. Or news articles like these: www.timeout.com/london/blog/theodds-of-finding-love-in-london-today-are-080417/amp
I’m scared I’ll split and never find anyone else (and no doubt he will find someone else to marry and have kids with, that’s the way it goes right?). My parents think I should stay for another year to just focus on myself, complete my PhD (I think they are scared the stress could cause me to mess it up as my whole world will be imploding). Then if he feels no differently I will be free to sell the house (the fixed-term contract ends same time as my PhD) and free to go anywhere. Right now if I left I would be homeless. I could rent a flat but wouldn’t be able to afford to eat due to the very low wage I receive as a student. I’m just terrified.

Financially it makes sense to stay put for one more year, until you have your PhD.
But surely you could stay in the same house as lodgers or co-tenants do - you don’t have to continue your relationship? Simply state that you will be dating other people and your relationship is no longer exclusive, as he has made clear there is no future in it.
You have another ten years of reasonable fertility, so don’t panic yet about your biological clock. Plenty of time to meet someone, without getting too needy or desperate! Good luck, OP.

Hi @katy78. This is a crap situation to be in right now, both love and housing wise, but it really is a good thing that you've had the conversation. The alternative would be more years, even a lifetime with this chap who wouldn't commit or willingly have children with you and you deserve much better than that, you would be increasingly unhappy if marriage and kids is what you want and you can't compromise those basic principles.

As to the housing situation, do you think he would be willing to wait it out for a year in your home? I don't know how these things work but is there any way that you could sell early, or one of you could move out and replace the other with a housemate until you can sell?

You are not yet 30 and have many more years to find a someone (as @Babdoc says). It is daunting having to re-enter the dating game at any age, particularly with such scaremongering articles around and you do have to be realistic of course, but the alternative is above which I would say is actually worse than being single. Don't be pessimistic - it is do-able and I would say more than likely that at you will find someone amazing and be able to settle down. I felt like you - I was the last of my group of friends to marry and was so worried that I would never meet anyone decent, but I am so glad that I held out til I met DH, I was about your age then.

Onwards and upwards for you, I really hope things work out. Also good luck with your PhD - don't let him ruin things for you.

If you have decided that this relationship is not one you want to stay in, I think you should get out as soon as possible.

Are there other PhD students around that you can talk to about budgets? How do they manage to pay rent and eat? You said you could afford to rent a flat - what about a room in a shared flat? If you sold the flat you're in now, would there be any equity that would help tide you over until you're earning a proper wage?

I don't at all imagine that you could stay in your current place "as flatmates" and date other people. You'd find it awful if you knew he was dating. No sensible person would want to get involved with either of you in that situation.

You could stay in your current place, continue the relationship, and hope that he changes his mind, but that would be pretty soul-sucking and would mean it was longer before you'd be in the right place to have any other relationship.

I only have two friends doing a PhD (it’s quite a lonely path while you do one). Both friends parents pay all bills and rent. I do not have that luxury. Yes I have looked at rooms to rent but they just look so depressing and I would really struggle to get by. I don’t know how long it would take to sell the house but it’s only half renovated and out fixed-term isn’t up for a year so we will face charges. I really don’t want to take a massive financial hit for the sake of a few months, well year, ontop of blowing my whole world apart. But I agree staying for a year is going to be pretty unbearable and there is no way I could handle him dating anyone else in front of me. My parents advised I just use this year to focus on getting my PhD finished and look at getting my life outside of my relationship on track (such as joining clubs etc). I have got complacent while being with him, which is why I have probably only made two friends while being in this city (all friends that I have known years live elsewhere).

OP
I am sorry of you are hurt by the end of the relationship. These things happen in life but are very painful. But I think you need a head shake.

I am struggling not to be annoyed and angry at this post. Not because someone doesn’t want to get married or somebody desperately does. It is your attitude which doesn’t sit well with me. First of all nobody is “chronically” single. People chose to be single or decide not to be with any old partner, for money, status or security.

I have been “chronically” single and a lot of woman friends have been too. In our 20’s but marriage or relationships and children have ensured or not, our choice. I would still rather be single than become desperately dependent.

So my advice, move out and move on. Staying together will be awful and not worth it.

Apologies I did not mean to be rude. Where I said chronically single, I meant friends who have been single for years, while unhappy about it - and have been trying to find a partner without success. Where you say “relationships and children have ensued or not, our choice”. It has not been the choice for them, because their choice is to have children with a loving partner, but they cannot find the partner.

If your boyfriend is the same age as you then I'd take it with a pinch of salt that he won't ever marry or have children with you.

In your position I would stay with him but make a massive effort to extend your friendship group. Then at the end of your PhD, if I still wanted to be with him (you may well find you don't by then) then I would ask him straight and leave if he said it wasn't what he wanted.

Your parents advice isn't too bad given if it's a year(?). Could you start planning to leave, get the house valued early next year, agree jobs to be done, build a life outside the relationship and then start to market the house for sale, which might take a few months.

Can you move to another bedroom to just have space when you need it.
If you really think he will marry quickly then he was never the man for you. Every breakup will be painful but you will get through it. Do you think he will agree with delaying house sale?

Transitions are painful but you have wonderful opportunities ahead..the chances are you WILL meet the right man and settle down so use the next few years to build your career and build a network of friends.

Life is so very short, you never know what will happen. Be selfish. Leave, don't be in a relationship you do not want to be. Maybe live in the house, but as housmates.

My biggest regret is not leaving my husband earlier. I have just lost my beloved boyfriend, I could have had years more with him. Never be in a relationship you don't want to be. It's soul destroying.

Yes I have looked at rooms to rent but they just look so depressing .....

Tbh your mood at the moment, your situation and 'having' to move, as in, it's not through choice, is probably why you think this. But then staying in your current set is probably going to get depressing too. I'd get out, make that room magical, like a cosy snug and make it your own space where you feel safe.

and I would really struggle to get by.

You don't know this yet. It's your impression based on fear. Fear of the unknown which for many is terrifying but many of us have had to move due to broken relationships and we survive.

Personally I would wait a year living in an uncomfortable situation but at the end of the day only you can make this decision. Btw, fair play to you furthering your education OP. I wish you the best of luck, you can do this whatever 'this' is 😊💐

Agree with Lifebegins.

As hard as it will be (and if able), persevere a year in your current home. Kick him into other bedroom (if available) and start detaching from him. Start dividing the finances.
You talk about him dating others, well, guess what, you can too. Come to an agreement with him about not bringing dates home and stick with it.
As PP have said, start building a life away from him. Hobbies, social life, making friends.
You are fortunate you found this out now rather than at, say, 40. You are young and you have many years to find someone to have children with.
All the best, OP.

wouldn't wait.

I’d stick out the year, honestly.

You are so young!!! Do not stay with someone out of fear of never finding someone else. I would stay in the house but separate and build a life outside of your relationship. Also look at online dating. Just so you can see all the available men out there and to have some fun.

Thank you all so much

By the way I split up with my boyfriend of a decade at 30. Had a few relationships, met someone at 32, had my first child then split up with him a few years later. Met someone else soon after, got married and had more kids. Split up last year and am now seeing an amazing guy and I'm nearly 50 years old. Even though they didn't work out, I wouldn't have been happy staying any longer and marrying my boyfriend from my 20s. The relationship had run its course (and we were engaged and planning on having kids).

I'm approaching mid 30s and worried about not meeting anyone. But I'd much rather be in this position - with options - rather than be with a man who doesn't want to marry me or have kids with me. You're limiting your options by staying with him. Yes, it's scary, but you deserve so much better and you can only achieve that by leaving him. Best of luck

Hmm. What are your career expectations after gaining your PHD?

I’m so pleased you have talked about this. It sounds like you have a great future ahead of you. Relationships are key to everyone’s happiness and this one will not make you happy. Don’t be scared you have learnt communication is super important in a partner. Start making your plans now to leave, and good look with your bright future.

@NotTheFordType I don’t know, maybe stay in research or go into medical writing.