Partner is an alcoholic and I am so sad

[boraboroff]

Hi everyone. My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We love each other so much and I have never been so happy....until recently when the penny has dropped about his drinking. I've always known he is a heavy drinker. But he holds down a great job and is loving and supportive of me. But this year he has used alcohol more and more to cope with any kind of emotion. Since he had a bereavement last year it's definitely worse. I have only just started to realise how much he lies to me. Over the last few months every weekend has been ruined as he "nips out to the shops" at 6am while i'm asleep and comes back to bed with a slurred voice and then sleeps for most of the day. He denies drinking and gets upset, angry and defensive when I question him, so I doubt myself. It's all come to a head as I think his liver is failing (he's having tests). He is so ill and delirious much of the time and I can tell he's still drinking but denies it. He says I humiliate him by questioning him. I am so worried about him. I love him so much and seeing him slowly kill him self is breaking my heart.

Please be kind in your replies. He's a good man and says he can just stop drinking without any professional help or support . But I know he won't. What do you think I should do ?

Hello I’m sorry to read your story.
Nothing will change unless he admits he has a problem and needs help, and commits to accepting help and then does it.

He cant do it alone and unless he accepts this you are wasting your time frankly.

I have a friend in same situation who has ended her relationship as his drinking was out of control and he couldnt see he had a problem. She tried and tried to help him and for a few weeks he went to AA mtgs and it was going well before he decided he didnt need help as he didnt have a problem and stopped. Drinking got worse and now relationship is over. Its sad because they were well suited but he couldnt see an issue with his drinking and still cant!

I have walked this road its hell . I am sure you can find some of my previous posts.
You won't change him. You need to walk away now before he destroys you.
You will invest too much trying to save him.
It's sad very sad

bora,

re your comments in quote marks:-

"He's a good man and says he can just stop drinking without any professional help or support . But I know he won't".

You're right. He will not (and will blame you in the process of not being able to help him either). He does not want your help or support, not that you as his girlfriend are in any real position to help him in any case.

"What do you think I should do? "

Leave him. Am so sorry to write that but its your only realistic option now. Relationships like this are often mired in codependency and I would address any codependency issues you have (you may well be confusing love with codependency). You are likely to be codependent and it does you no favours whatsoever. On a wider level did you yourself grow up seeing parents who drank heavily, what attracted you to this man?.

This man's primary relationship is with alcohol, it's not with you (and its actually never been with you) and you cannot be a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. Being either does not work and what you have tried to date has not worked. You have always known he is a heavy drinker and that has not changed in the years you have known him. You cannot rescue and or save him here, he has to want to help his own self and he is really showing no indication at all of actually wanting to do that. He continues to lie both to his own self and you, they are masters of denial. He could actually go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.

You can help your own self here, going to Al-anon meetings and reading their literature would also be helpful to yourself. He will destroy you from the inside out if you choose to stay with him and you will continue to be dragged down along with him. Do not do that to yourself, value your own self more.

^^Everything Attila said. You can't help him, but you can take care of yourself. Go to an Al-Anon meeting to get support on how to detach with love and deal appropriately with having an alcoholic in your life. It will help you find the strength to do what you have to, which is leave him.

I've been where you are now - in my case it was my husband of 20 years, my life partner of 25. He went from being my DH who was a wonderful man to being a withdrawn, miserable drunken shadow in my life and in our kids' lives. I made him leave, and last summer he died. While we are sad that he couldn't find recovery, our lives are infinitely better without him. The stress of living with someone in active addiction has a massive impact on your wellbeing. Put yourself first and walk away.

Thank you all so much. You have all responded with such wisdom and kindness, even though reading your comments is quite hard to hear. I will go to an Al-anon meeting this week and take it from there. X