Long term relationship not going well

[Kids4]

Hi. I have been with my partner for 20 years. Married a year. We have 3 Children together. Together we have been through the mill from loosing parents, our house along with much more. Recently things have gone down hill. Went on a lovely holiday, he stayed in bed all day and got up in evening when I was tired and ready for resting. We can't have a conversation without him getting annoyed, if I don't agree with what he wants me agree with. Went to a concert and there just felt a distance between us. I bought him his favourite choc for our first Anniversary, I got nothing. I asked him if he felt something wrong between us and he replied, I'm just tired. He does work hard but does nothing at home. I put bins out, lift in bags of coal. Cleaning cooking, getting kids to school etc etc. I get up at 5 in morn to get him to work. Today was the last straw, where he called me at 5, went mad over dog having accident on floor and won't answer phone to me.. I'm sick to pit of my stomach from it all.. advice needed

Is he depressed? Can you take him out for dinner and try and talk to him?

Sounds miserable for you

Being depressed doesn’t mean he can get annoyed and not allow you to disagree with him. Seems like he is being grumpy to get you to do all the dirty work. Why can’t he get himself up in the morning? He’s an adult. I think you may want to google emotional and verbal abuse.
Even if you think his behavior isn’t abusive, you don’t have to stay with someone who isn’t kind, loving and considerate. What can you do to regain your independence?

Have you ever had depression @snowqu33n or lived with someone who has? 

OP, my first thought was depression too. If you can gently suggest that perhaps it would help to see his GP about his change in behaviour and mood. There is a chance he may not be very receptive to the idea, as needing help is kind of something he needs to realise for himself, but a gentle nudge may help him towards that.

I'm another who is suggesting depression. He doesn't sound like he would agree to going to the drs, but perhaps you could gently bring him around to thinking he would benefit by going.

It’s quite unusual to marry after being together after such a long time. Not always but sometimes it’s a symptom that something is going wrong and people do it to try and save the relationship.

I think he is avoiding you and that’s what I did when myself and DH and I were going through a bad patch. The only way to remedy is to talk, it took us months of talking and quite frankly brutal honesty that wasn’t easy to hear on both sides.

So it may take a while but keep trying to get him to talk.

Thanks everyone for your replys. I should point out that he drives trucks for a living and has the truck home with him most nights, except he needs to leave it 5 miles from my house, hence why I get up to bring him to the truck in mornings. I should point out also that he gave up smoking about 10 months ago,leaving him very Moody.We had put of our wedding a few times over the years due to financial difficulties. He would never admit that part of the problem could be on his side,but most of it is. I think your definitely right about the emotional abuse as I do feel that way. I'm at the point where I just want to walk away but I can't as I do love him and at 48 I don't want to be on my own.

Recently, on every other thread on Mumsnet people suggest that bad attitude can be excused due to either mental health or autistic spectrum.
Professionals do not diagnose these conditions over the internet based on the description from another person, that is against their rules, yet it still gets suggested on here time after time.
OP, I understand the 5:00 morning now, but he should still appreciate your contribution.
Carrying coal, etc. is a big deal. I have had similar with firewood, shoveling snow, etc. to keep the household going, and if the other person is still not satisfied then they need to wake up to themselves.
You might need to be careful that having had to deal with crises up to this point has not masked or excused behaviors that are problematic for you as a couple.

@snowqu33n that'll be a no then to my previous question It's not an excuse, but it is a possible explanation for why some people can't bare to get out of bed, or are behaving differently/moody. It's attitudes like your Why can't he get himself up in the morning? He's an adult that really aren't helping the stigma that mental health unfortunately has. I had depression and it turned me into a different person, and with all the will in the world, while you're in it, it's hard to get out of it.

I don't think anyone here is "diagnosing", simply offering it as a possibility based on what the OP has said.