I am just so sad

[Christmasstockingsarered]

Namechanged for this.

It has been a long time coming but H is leaving us. He has struggled to be a family man for a long time (he is on the spectrum) and has always been somewhat emotionally detached.

Well he is leaving in a few weeks, has actually done something about it and been to view properties. He is being incredibly cold and distant (even more than usual) which I am finding very very hard.

I know it will be for the best in the long run but I feel so bloody sad. His work has been the downfall of this marriage, it is an obsession and something he does morning (not unusual to start at 4am), noon and night (until 10:30-11am would be fairly normal - from home generally).

He has used it as an excuse not to join in family lunches, trips to the cinema, etc., etc.. for a long time, of course he could make the time if he wanted to (and does for occasional things that he chooses to come to) but generally it is used as an excuse to avoid family life.

Hasn't supported me in times of ill health or attended DC's hospital appointments (serious health matter) for years.

I will always miss the man he used to be which is long gone but seeing him making plans to spend thousands on IT for his work and embark on a PhD with excitement hurts like hell (probably not things he would be doing if he wasn't leaving as they both involve loans).

He will be embarking on a new exciting life without us, leaving me relying on my job until I retire at 68 (in my fifties) to keep a roof over our heads and carrying on as normal with DC - who don't need childcare.

Financially I earn 2/6 and him 4/6 of our decent enough income. However, I will be remaining in the house with DC, big mortgage, new family car in my name that I can't hand back for three years. Outgoings all fine as a family, not so fine on one income.

He has said that he will give me ¼ of his income which will mean I have the same amount of money each month as he does but bloody hell I will have all the bills as well while he will live like a lord as a single man.

Fixed term mortgage deal, three year car deal, I can't change anything financially, don't have any debts thankfully but our outgoings will leave very little spare each month.

Financial worries aside - my job is ok but not massively stable and the salary I earn would be hard to find again where I live - I feel very very sad even though I have known it was coming and even wished for it at times.

I have confided in my parents and a friend but I feel so lonely, I am being strong in front of DC but can't stop crying when they aren't here.

God that was long.

I'm so sorry OP, I don't have any advice for you but I hope things get better for you in time, I'm sure they will

Spectrum my arse.
“The man he used to be” tells me that he has some choice in this.
My family is full of adults and children with diagnosed various ASD.
ASD does not stop you supporting your wife and child when they have a serious health condition medical appointment.

I am sorry you are sad.
But it’s OK to be angry too.

And whether you are sad or angry, it’s inportant to be practical.
Have you seen a divorce lawyer yet?
What arrangement do you have for the house? (what % will you own)
Have you looked in pension sharing orders?

Don’t let him leave you high and dry.

To be clear: I’m not doubting that he is on the spectrum if you tell me that. What I’m doubting is that it’s solely responsible for his selfish actions.

Have you consulted a solicitor? Maybe going through the legal route will mean you get more money from him since you have more expenses as you are housing the children.

Once he leaves, get yourself out there doing stuff you enjoy- sports , hobbies and online dating. Have fun and be yourself now that you don't have that selfish idiot to the you down.

He is on the spectrum. HFA. He hid his selfishness well for the first few years of our marriage but it has become more and more apparent for the last decade.

No I haven't seen anyone yet, I only found out yesterday because my car app told me where the car was yesterday and I asked the question.

I will see someone, I was the higher earner with lots of savings when we met. Some bad financial choices (related to supporting his career) means that I am now in my 50s with a big mortgage. My earnings suffered when I left London and my earnings where I live now are pretty much maxed out.

Some of his income is a pension, he is transferring half of that. I have asked him to pay for DC's extra curricular which cost £50 per week, he will, with conditions. He will only pay for X if they do Y, He will only pay for A if they do B five nights a week at home and if that is done he will pay for B's tuition. Controlling swine.

Incomes are £40k mine, £40k his, £40k pension so I will end up with £60k and so will he but the commitments for this house/car are bloody big and I am tied in for the next three years. I wouldn't live in a house like this if I was alone with DC, or have a swanky car. All things he had to have but I am left paying for them (car in my name as I had the most NCB!).

An example of the level of detachment - one DC has an appt at a hospital 50 miles away next month because it has a PICU (just in case something goes wrong). Been in the diary for months, last month an entry 'H at X location for work' was created for that very date. I know it is optional because he goes to X location most weeks on days of his choice. So, a worrying time with a procedure for DC, one where the consultant wants it done at a hospital with facilities - no support from H available - typical.

I am sad, not angry yet, I just feel broken and seeing him making plans, apartment in the swanky part of town etc., etc.. isn't doing much for me at all.

Sorry you are going through this. Is there any benefit in downsizing to a cheaper property or area?