Can’t get his ex out of my mind

[elfcentre]

They were in a year long relationship which he ended when he realised she wasn’t “the one”.

Still they remained friends, or more like FWB until he met me 8 months ago.

I only found out about her about a month into our relationship because she called him and he had a final conversation with her before blocking her number. She was really upset but said she understood that he was in a relationship now and blocking each other was best for both of them.

I don’t know why but I feel so bad for her. I think it’s because we’ve all been there, waiting for an ex to come back and say he made a mistake ending the relationship. And I don’t like how my bf kept her on the hook until he met someone else.

For some reason I can’t get her out of my head. It doesn’t help that I actually know her a little bit through mutual friends (small town) and apparently she’s going through a tough time. She’s still waiting for him and thinks if she waits long enough he’ll “come to his senses” and go back to her.

It’s driving me crazy that she occupies my thoughts so much. Why am I obsessing about her and how do I stop?

She doesn’t need your pity or thoughts op! She’s a grown woman. When your bf dumped her she had options available to her: she could have gone no contact to help herself heal, she could have stayed friendly with him without sleeping together. She chose to stay friends/sleep together despite knowing he had dumped her and didn’t see her as the one. She’s now paying a price for those decisions but that’s life and part of being an adult.

I wouldn’t necessarily believe everything you hear on the grapevine or take it as gospel btw, people love to gossip and paint a woman who has been dumped as moping around mooning after their ex unable to move on: the reality could be entirely different. Like most people she’s probably getting on with her life, seeing friends, working, hobbies. She may still have feelings for your bf but they’ve both done the mature thing now and cut contact so she’ll get over him and she’s not causing any trouble.

What are you thinking about her so much for? Is there something you’re worried about happening? Are you worried he’ll go back to her? If you feel bad for her, what do you suggest? Do you want him to befriend her again? Cos if she wants him romantically that’ll just hurt her more I reckon. Even if you feel sad for her she’ll be fine and the ex’s new girlfriend isn’t the best person to be trying to ease her pain, that’d be inappropriate and unwelcome.

In a few short months you’ll have been with him as long as they were together, a year is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your situation is a bit odd as usually people who obsess over the partner’s ex do so because they’re jealous or worried, you say that you feel bad for her, but why?

Is it because the way things ended between them has left a bad taste in your mouth about your boyfriend? Like you’re thinking less of him for sleeping with her once he dumped her? If you don’t like his character then walk away. But you’re painting him as a demon and her as a helpless poor little girl who got fucked over, when they were both consenting adults making choices that worked for them at the time in a messy situation. I wonder if you can expand more on why you can’t stop thinking of her and why it bothers you.

Thanks for the head wobble! I think I needed that.

Yes, that’s exactly it. I do think less of him because he kept sleeping with her after they broke up despite knowing she still had feelings for him.

I think it’s your gut telling you he might do the same to you tbh.

Maybe that’s it Purple. Although I can say with 100% certainty that I will never have a FWB arrangement with him or anyone else for that matter. Been there, done that, definitely not for me.

Are you sure it was just fwb up until he met you?

She chose to be a fwb despite knowing that she was a temporary measure until he fell for someone.

His behaviour wasn't kind, but from what you say, he didn't lie or coerce.

So don't feel sorry for her. She was not duped.

As sure as I can be although it is possible that she was still sleeping with him in the hope that he would change his mind. Her fb in the months leading up to him meeting me shows her out on dates with other men, perhaps to try and make him jealous.

Is part of why you feel funny about it because you're worrying that he knows he still has her as an "option" if you and he hit a bumpy patch? That feeling where you feel like, if you aren't on your best behaviour, he can hold her presence over you as a threat (even if he would never actually say that, the threat/feeling is there)?

Am actually kind of shocked by he responses on this thread TBH.

This absolutely is a form of domestic abuse imparted on that first woman. It's psychological abuse and a form of coercion. If the first woman felt so deeply that she was prepared to do that just to keep him in her life because she loved him; then that is exploitative behaviour on behalf of the male. No question. It does not come from a person who has honour.

In that respect, OP's post makes total sense. She is also sensing that her new partner has zero moral compass and it's buggering her.

Yeah I agree Renarde, it's cruel as he must have known how she felt if she's still hanging on now. He sounds selfish.

Also facebook is smoke and mirrors.

I think it’s shoeing you the not very nice side of your boyfriend
It’s all well and good having a fwb, but you shouldn’t do it to someone you know wants and is hoping for more
That’s a bit yuk

Agree with renarde's post. I would not be able to respect a man like this. If he can treat a woman like this by taking advantage of her when she's emotionally vulnerable that means he is selfish and manipulative.

She chose to be a fwb despite knowing that she was a temporary measure until he fell for someone.

That's assuming he told her, straight out, that he didn't want a relationship and didn't give her the old "I just need time to get my head straight, I don't know what I want" line.

I wouldn't classify it as domestic abuse or anything like, however I can see pp points and where they are coming from.
Basically your bf is the good guy, for a while, in this story.
He realised he didn't feel about her as he should so he ended It.
She obviously felt a lot about him and did that thing that most of us have done at some point, and tried to keep him in her life hoping he would change his mind.
A decent bloke, at that point, would've walked away and cut contact. Allowing her the time and space to lick her wounds and move on. Instead your bf choose to stick around and use her for convenient sex until he found someone he wanted to be with, this is clearly where he stops being the good guy and becomes one of those blokes we've all fallen for at some point in our lives.
I don't think it makes him a complete arsehole, most of us have acted in a way we wish we hadn't at some stage in our lives. I remember one particulaly nice bloke I met In my mid 20's. My first serious relationship had ended. I still loved the bloke, I was heartbroken and I met this man on a night out. I saw him for about 4 months and wasn't very nice to him. I felt ridiculously bad about the way I treated him and I realised how much I was hurting him so eventually ended It. I still think about him occasionally nearly 20 years later and wish I could apologise, I hate thinking I was that girl in someone's story, which is the whole point isn't it.
You know he treated her poorly and it has changed the way you feel about him. You can empathise with her because you've been there too, at some point.
It also plants a seed of doubt, if he can do that to her could be do that to me?
Does he acknowledge and accept what he did was unfair. Does he regret not being kinder and walking away, or does he think he had no responsibility for how she felt and it was perfectly acceptable to continue having sex with her knowing it would cause her pain. Those would be the important questions for me. His answers and responses to those questions would be hugely weighty in how I decided to move forward with the situation.