How did you know he was a good one?

[OhioOhioOhio]

So often on mn i read posts about woman who just knew their new partner was a good one.

How did you know?

Im awaiting divorce. I had a mostly hellish abusive marriage.

How would i know id met a good one?

With DP it's mostly just a general feeling of ease and safety. I can relax, be myself, and it's ok to be whatever way I am.

But a more specific way that springs to mind was very early on when he apologised, genuinely and without prompting, for something he'd done that wasn't cool.

It wasn't a big thing, but he came back to me five minutes later and said "I shouldn't have done X - that must have made you feel really crappy. I'm sorry –let me make it up to you."

It hadn't actually made me feel that crappy, and I hadn't said anything to him about it, but the thought that he'd gone away, considered it, and come back to apologise said a lot about the kind of man he is.

hhmmm for me I'd just come out of a relationship with a selfish, asshole so was hypersensitive to finding "signs" of similar behaviour patterns. But my now DH was just everything my ex wasn't and I really properly noticed every unselfish and different thing he did. He was also a great father to his DC from a previous relationship, that's also a good sign i think. He also seemed to have very similar priorities to me. I know that he would never put anyone or anything before me or his family.

You pay close attention to their behaviour, why they say, how they treat other people. You keep the old adage of “when somebody tells / shows you who they are, listen to / believe them” in mind and don’t try to excuse poor behaviour on the basis that “90% of the time it’s amazing” or “they only act like this when stressed” or “I can change them if I love and support them enough”. You work on your self esteem, self confidence and boundaries so that you don’t attract the fuckers who prey on the needy and vulnerable. You make sure potential partners know you have the above and won’t put up with their bullshit.

You don’t “just know” - there are as many people who “just knew” their good partner was good right away as there are people who “just knew” until they turned out to totally not be.

With my DH it was seeing how he was with my very drunk best friend.

We were young then but all our other friends were laughing at her and not really helping. DH put his coat around her, picked her up and carried her to a friend’s house. I left at this point but apparently after that he made sure she had somewhere safe to sleep with a bucket, and made her drink some water.

I knew he was a keeper then.

When I met DH I was trying to get rid of an abusive Ex. I'd moved away across London but he'd turn up in the pub I used or at the flat, threatening to harm himself or trash the flat. I was trying to get him to accept I would never get back together with him.

A lot of blokes would have offered to beat him up or generally done the dominant male thing. DH left me to deal with it myself. He supported me and would discuss it for hours but never tried to take over. I thought he was my good friend.

Then, only a couple of weeks after I finally got rid of my dreary Ex, DH made his move. I thought he was my friend but the truth was that he was already deeply in love. Soon afterwards I was too. From the first time I met him he treated me as an equal adult.

That didn't stop him from performing absurd, charming romantic acts like decorating a bicycle with fairy lights and hanging it on the bedroom wall.

As soon as we started seeing each he told me about his DD. He was devoted to her and would never have been able to commit to a woman who didn't understand how important his DD was. That was another good sign for me.

He was a loving, civilized, funny man and I soon knew he was the one.

He wasn't perfect. He could be selfish. But he was never, in all the 17 years I was with him, unkind.

I think it's to do with values - values the person lives rather than expresses. If DH had claimed to be a devoted DF but hadn't shown that by his life I wouldn't have been impressed. His behaviour told me he respected me, that he loved me, that he was kind.

My DH is so far away from how my dad treated anyone, everyone likes him where as dad hated DH.

When I met my (now) DH, I learned very quickly that he was very honest, and reliable. He never played games- if he could do or wanted to do something, he would just say so, and then do it. If he couldn’t/didn’t want to do something, he’d tell me and I’d know where I stood.

I think I realised he was a keeper very early on when I realised there was no drama to being with him. He was always upfront with me, and always did what he said he would.

Also, he has never ever been on the least bit controlling. He’s very competent, and able to be in control of situations, but would never try to admonish me to get his way.

He’s just a thoroughly decent guy and has always been lovely, fair, respectful, and decent to me.

Your DH sounds a lot like mine, JustHereForThePooStories.

He loves and respects his family. He doesn't take out his anger or stress on others - ever.

Your DH sounds a lot like mine, JustHereForThePooStories.

And mine

A few months after we had been together, he stayed over and two of my kids who were under 2 at the time were ill with a temperature and up screaming and crying on and off for hours.
I said why dont you go home, you don't have to be here. And he said no, you and the kids are my future now and we do things together from now on. And two years later, married and with a fourth child together he has never faltered. He treats my older kids the same as his biological child.

A month or so in I felt a bit like he was going cold and wasn’t as interested in pursuing things anymore. I think it was because on a couple of occasions after a date he hadn’t set another time up to meet within the following day or on the date or something. He admitted once we were properly together he’d been purposefully trying to play it cool cos he didn’t think I’d be interested in ‘someone like him’ and wanted to not come on too strong 😂 Early days, so I just sent a message saying ‘I get the feeling that things might be cooling off between us a bit so if that’s the case shall we just agree now to be friends and move on?’ as I really liked him and didn’t want to get hurt.

He was mortified that I thought that and that his ‘being cool’ had gone a bit far, and surprised I was really into him as he claims I didn’t give many signals. He asked to meet me later that day and we went to a pub, before we played pool or anything he went and sat us down and basically took the lead and addressed the issue and told me he was very much into me and had been trying not to come on too strong and was sorry he’d given that impression and excited to see where things went. I was glad to know his true feelings and felt much more at ease and it was all just so smooth from then onwards once we both acknowledge to each other we were into this and open to it going somewhere.

The fact that he didn’t get defensive, was honest, met me ASAP and didn’t avoid the topic or anything really told me a lot about his character. It made him seem so confident, both in how he wasn’t afraid to see me face to face and talk about it despite it being within the first couple of months, and not afraid to tell me his feelings and admit that he’d felt insecure about whether I would like him or not.

Maybe it seems like a little thing but he’s a few years younger than me and I was really surprised by his maturity and felt it was a good sign that in the future I’d feel secure in his hands and able to let him take the lead when necessary (I’m quite submissive in some ways but headstrong too and I really need a guy who is able to take the reins at times as I tend to end up with people who are like lapdogs and let me call all of the shots).

It was hot, and a great sign, and my gut instincts from that were correct and we’re very happy now 2+ years later living together.

Also for our first anniversary he had made this scrapbook of mementoes from our entire relationship including saving the scrap of paper he first wrote my number down on, a shard of plastic from the glass we drank mulled wine from during our first xmas together, all the little things. The most romantic thing ever. Man I love him.

I knew it was ok to be myself. No anxiety to impress or be a certain way. The whole relationship made me calmly happy, not madly excited with a need to constantly talk about him!
But look how he lives his life, what his values are, how he speaks to sales/ waiting staff.
Is he kind, generous?
What are his other relationships like, does he get on with his mum/ siblings or is there drama and trouble there. Importantly is there a “ crazy ex” In The background???

How does he talk about people. Does he give people a chance or is everyone a “ stupid twat” if they don’t agree with him or make a mistake. Which leads on to anger. Can he deal with life or does he get angry about minor things.
Can he shoulder responsibility?

Sorry didn’t expect this list to be so long!

He just always knows the right thing to say no matter what emotion I'm going through. I know 100% I can rely on him, I know he'd always do best by us and put "us" before himself. That security is what makes me know he's "the one" (should re read this when there's countless football matches on I have to sit through some weekends!)

Well I have an abusive family of origin and he's nothing like them. He's kind, intelligent and thoughtful. Also one of my feminist friends in college said to another friend: 'Forestier's got a really wonderful boyfriend'. As Woiiam Penn the Quaker put it: Never marry but for love, but make sure thoust knows what is lovely'

You deserve much better Ohio, take care of yourself.

Sorry, William Penn.

I also had an awful marriage and I was very wary of getting into another relationship.

DP and I met on Twitter and after we'd chatted via email and phone for a few months we decided to met for real (despite my late mum's concerns that he might be a serial killer)

Our first date (trademarked 'Best First Date Ever') was in London over 6 years ago. After a wonderful day I got back to the station to find that trains back to my town were delayed with no end in sight. DP stayed with me until late despite having work the next day and didn't go home until he'd seen me safely onto my train.

My mum declared him to be both a gentleman and 'a keeper' and she was right.

He's cared for me when I've been ill and when my mum died. He listens, he cares, he makes me laugh. he puts me first, he's built loving relationships with my family, my grown up DS and my cat. I used to think love was dramas, highs and lows. Now I know that it's this. The warm feeling of security and comfort from trusting that someone is totally in your corner and thinks you're great.

I fancy the pants off him as well which also helps

My mum was mugged in the street. She phoned me at work from the police station where she was giving her statement, all alone and tearful but not wishing to make a fuss. DH (then boyfriend) got the train to where she lived an hour or so away and picked her up from the police station, took her home and made sure she was ok.

This is my second marriage. My first husband was an immature kid, we got married too young and he was so bad with money I ended up bankrupt and nearly homeless.

Loving this thread, thanks to OP for starting it and all those who have shared their stories. Hope I have my own lovely DH one day and you lot are showing me what a healthy relationship looks like.

After coming out of two what I now know where very mentally abusive relationships and finding DP there were so many things that were enlightening
I didn't have to work myself to tell him I wanted to go out with friends
I felt so relaxed and easy going...he doesn't want to change me and make me something I am not.....the list goes on....

I think the one thing....which is a stupid little thing. I used to do everything for my xdp if we were ever sat on the sofa or in bed and id ask him to nip and get me a drink or something he would just moan...but I would have to wait on him hand and foot

One of my first proper nights with DP he didn't once let me get up and get my own wine...(in a lovely non controlling way) he waited on me. We have such an amazing partnership now and I appreciate everything he is and does for me and he does me

There is the answer, and also the caveat....

He is always kind, supportive and he is also friends with some exes (and the ones he isn't he doesn't bring up) which is a good indicator. He is very trusting.

However, it would be prudent to point out that on MN there are lots of posts where men are bloody lovely for decades. And they still do something awful. So whilst you should obviously not stick around for a bad time, and should therefore assume a good guy is a good guy.....we never know. Hearing about men or women cheating after 30+ years in what the other half believes is a mutually strong relationship reminds me that you should never be unprepared for someone you are devoted to...to be different to what you thought.
But they are probably fine

Actions matching words.

Consistency.

Being there through big things, not just the flowery stuff.

Even when drunk (although an annoying drinker) never violent/mean/aggressive. No dark colours to show so to speak.

My cat!

Seriously, I have a horrendously nervous rescue cat - she hates all people apart from me. My now DH came to my house for the first time and within 5 mins the completely bonkers rescue cat was on his lap and wouldn't leave him alone.

She still doesn't trust another soul - but is devoted to my DH. Cats are very good judges of character!

He is the kindest person I have ever met. He has issues - don't we all! But he is lovely, as trustworthy as it gets. And his kindness just sorts of shines from him . On the other hand I am a judgy, non- trusting cowbag so no idea why he loves me

There was no drama and he consistently kept his word. If he said he’d be over at 6 after work, he was there at 6. If he promised to check in and send me a message when he got home, I got a message as soon as he walked in the door.

And he’s a genuinely good friend and has lots of genuine female friends. One of my earliest memories of the first weeks we were dating is stopping by the post office to post a birthday present for a good friend (who really is just a friend, a decade later we are still good friends with her, her dh and dc). He assured she really was just a friend but he always remembered his friends’ birthdays (and still does). We were joking about it the other day because at the time I remember thinking, so there’s a very small chance this guy is a big jerk and he’s taking me on a trip to send his gf a present. But assuming he really is telling me the truth (obviously he was!), then that’s really sweet of him. He said he was glad I didn’t just assume he was a big cheating jerk!

He has the patience of a saint. Has never raised his voice to me ever. He just makes me feel safe. He's the best