Big boys don't cry

[Nicelunch25]

My 4 year old son has just said daddy says "big boys don't cry". I have 3 boys and escaped my domestically abusive relationship with his father 4 years ago. I'm trying to be the best mum I can be but I feel like every message I try to give my son is opposed my his dad. I'm trying to raise them not to hide their emotions (the older 2 have a different father who is good and I co parent great with) I told him that everyone cries and showing your emotions is healthy but at a loss as to what else it is in my power to say or do? I think this is probably his fathers response to the times my son hasn't wanted to go with his dad and has sobbed and ended up staying with me.

My daughter 6 is forever coming home from school and making random statements about girls and boys - boys can’t wear make-up and boys can’t have long hair etc. It’s most certainly not a message she hears here but I can’t control what she hears out in the world. I’ve certainly heard blokes at work discussing their sons and their attitude to them displaying “girly emotions” so your ex is certainly not alone in his position. It’s a shame, I don’t like it and I don’t agree with it but all you can do is offer the counter argument and take strength in the fact that your viewpoint is probably key at this age given your relationship with your sons.

My ex spouts the same rubbish. It's bullshit. Crying or expressing any emotion is good for everyone.

Well one good thing on your son's behalf is that he lives with two other boys who have healthier emotions, so maybe at some point you can instigate a chat with all three boys about how "some people" think boys shouldn't cry, but "we know it's completely fine and normal, don't we?" And let his brothers share any thoughts they come up with.

However, I do wonder if these messages come from his dad in a berating form. I also feel uneasy about the fact that the little lad doesn't want to go to his dad.

Is it possible you could ask a trusted family member to take your LO to his dad in a public place like a park, so both you don't have to see your ex and your son doesn't get left alone with him?

It might be worth taking advice from Women's Aid about their children's services.

Thanks, we do handover in Asda carpark. He's moved an hour away and takes him once a week overnight. I think that's the lesser of all the evils. I worry about the effect on my son but I don't think contact can be stopped or restricted unless ex is abusing my son.

I cannot stand this type of programming and conditioning of children.

sorry posted to soon.

This sort of saying has been handed down from generation to generation it has to stop and it has to stop now.
I'm 100% behind you OP.
Because Daddy said it, he will believe it and spend the rest of his life trying to prove how hard he is and will laugh at other boys who do cry.

I know, he is toxic masculinity personified. Hoping I can just keep reinforcing the right messages and that will do its work. Telling him to stop will have the opposite effect as he'll escalate his behaviour to full on war.

Thank goodness you have him the majority of the time.

Show him professional footballers crying after they have lost an important match :)

Yes thank goodness. I want all my boys to be decent men when they grow up.

It’s not as simple as some posters are making out. Men who do show their emotions are often derided and women are the worst culprits.

Agree with NorthernParent. Professional footballers can cry all they like, but that's cos they're already unassailably masculine. Most other men don't have that kind of freedom so telling your sons to cry all they like and wear makeup is not necessarily doing them a service.

No ones saying “ cry all you like and wear make-up” - he’s 4 years old. He’s going to cry at some point it’s inevitable. All the OP wants is for her ex to stop filling his head with the idea that he’s not able to express his emotions in this way and if he does do he’s somehow letting the side down.

It's not that bad. I never cry. Also because of my father. Very good father, but he's one of the emotionally stunted variety because of his upbringing (didn't do things like saying I love you, no hugging etc; he doesn't even have to actively spread the message). It's not that I saw him a lot either; my mum left when I was 2 afterwards every two weeks a weekend (and activities). He is a good father though, not abusive or anything, he has my back in his own weird way. I've grown to like him more now that I'm older.

My mum was/is the complete opposite so I don't think it makes a difference whatever you do. Afterwards he'll probably play football or something and he'll hear similar messages. Your father is your male role model.

In my case it culminated in some mental health problems when my mum got cancer since I didn't really knew what to do with it and my head was really full. At the same time then girlfriend left, understandably; since I was sad, very withdrawn and not very communicative for 2 (if I remember correctly) months. That was good because then I sought help and after a couple of months I was back to normal and even somewhat improved. Like I said, it doesn't have to be bad in the grand scheme of things, I have a very good job; it's still salvageable etc...