My mother is horrible to me and manipulates my adult children...please help

[Belle43]

In a nutshell my mother (in her 70s) has for as long as i can remember made me feel inadequate and worthless. She has never said she loves me or shown me any affection. She even blamed me for my marriage breakdown some years ago even though I was actively suicidal after he left. This caused my health to further deteriorate at the time.
I have 3 adult children and she has been a good grandmother to them. The problem I have, is that she is nice to me in front of other people but if I'm on my own she is downright nasty.. its so cruel.
This has resulted in me having depression and anxiety and feeling suicidal again on occasion.
She is trying to turn my children against me and because they haven't experienced this behaviour themselves this is causing problems.
I have good support from my partner.
I would appreciate any advice as it's tearing me apart..:(

Stop contact with her and if forced to be int he same place dont be around her alone? or try to stick up to her and confront her? when she says something repeat it loudly so others can hear.
I hope that you are seeking support and counselling for your mental health [flowers[

I sympathise, as my mother is also unpleasant to me, both with others present and alone. She hasn't been a good grandmother however . My children are also adults and generally sympathetic to her and want to see her in a good light. However, one of them recently stayed with her for several weeks, and saw what an awful person she truly is.

All you can do is protect yourself and leave your children to have their own relationship with her. You are not responsible for the relationship they have with her now they are adults. You can however protect yourself. If she treats you like this, just don't see her. You don't need to see her or feel any guilt about it. Explain to your children exactly why . You deserve more than to be treated like this. If your partner supports you, stand together on this, and make a decision not to take any more from her.

What owlshooting wrote.

You also need to urgently raise your own boundaries here with regards to your mother because they have been too low to date. For instance you do not have to see her on your own. Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt of her through seeing a therapist and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together. Have a look also/read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" most recent thread on these pages.

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is, you did not make her that way.

@belle43

I have 3 adult children and she has been a good grandmother to them

No she hasn't

She is trying to turn my children against me and because they haven't experienced this behaviour themselves this is causing problems

Proof

Time to draw a line under this relationship. Your emotional well being is more important for you and your children.

Thank you for your replies. The bit that's hurts me most is that she blatantly lies in front of my children which makes me look though I'm the one with the problem!! It truly messes with your mind and makes you think you're losing the plot!
I then get angry as desperately trying to defend myself and so it goes on..

Op I feel for you. I have been through a lot with my own (she is very difficult and has lead to me having huge anxiety and low self esteem)

I had to cut contact last year for a couple of months - my father screamed and siblings intervened but eventually I went back very cold and and for short visits. I have no problem now acting like a stone and not giving any information or that

She had leaned a lesson - could you try that

• It truly messes with your mind and makes you think you're losing the plot! I then get angry as desperately trying to defend myself and so it goes on*

Go Grey Rock. If you're not familiar with the term google grey rock technique

Thank you all.
Noego: thanks for this, I've just looked at this technique and it makes perfect sense. I'll try this and hope it works, if not think I'll have to go NC.

I have similar: what works for me is to change my way of thinking.

I pity her and have come to terms with the fact she cannot be nice and kind as I think she has an undiagnosed personality disorder which means she is incapable of it.

This has helped me stop being upset by her: knowing she can't help it.

Can I please ask if anyone has any ideas to how to speak to my kids about all of this, they're in their 20s, thank you.

I think you'll just have to sit them down together and be honest with them. Explain factually what has happened over the years and how you expect to go forward. Don't try and impose restrictions on how they interact with her, that's for them to figure out.

I have found Grey Rock to be utterly exhausting. It's really hard to be closed off and guarded all the time. i went NC for three years and it was bliss - apart from the guilt that got worse over time. I think learning a series of responses is probably the best defence I am always caught off guard and go into a defensive state where I pretend i haven't heard/don't react which is actually quite toxic, as it just means the anger and humiliation is being buried. I find if I challenge her she seems to enjoy the conflict or it's 'you're being paranoid'/ 'everyone knows how difficult you are'. NC is really the only way forward, or very low contact in controlled circumstances.
Your children should be old enough for you to be honest with them They need to know how her behaviour impacts on you and be supportive.

You might find they will turn against you if they feel you are attacking their beloved grandmother, so don't. They will want to defend her.

What I did is take each dc in turn and let them know, in confidence, your experience.

If they think you're being ridiculous then best not go there and remain a dignified silence.

Only let on what happened to you if they ask you questions. Don't force them to hear things if they are not receptive as that will backfire.

I brought up things that happened to me when my dc were questioning 'off' behaviour from her.

I recommend watching some of these videos, HG Tudor may be a bit over the top but he does help you to understand the Minds of people with narcissistic abusive traits
It is mainly focused on intimate partner relationships but I'm sure you will be able to recognise your mother
www.youtube.com/channel/UCge1h5fEmC4sU1fN6TgevIA/featured?disable_polymer=1

@Belle43 my mother is NC with her mother, my grandmother. It was a very hard decision for her to make and my DSis and I were in our mid-20's when she decided to do it. My mum had us over for a wine and a chat and explained what she was doing and why. She didn't go into the nitty gritty of the way my grandmother had behaved towards her but she made it clear that the woman she knew and the woman we knew were very different people and gave us some examples of things she had done over the 50+ years of my mums life that had brought her to this decision.

Before she had this chat with us we weren't blind to the fact that our grandmother could be a nasty piece of work and I expect that your DC's aren't as unaware of what she is like under the surface as you think they are. My mum told us she is happy that we have a good relationship with our grandmother and that she hopes that will continue, she however could not have her in her life anymore. We understood and I think it was a great weight off her shoulders to have the truth of her relationship with her mother out in the open. Trust that your children are more aware than they are letting on to you, I expect they don't want to be bad mouthing your mother to you in case it upsets you.

People like your mum thrive on their shitty behaviour being a secret as then they can try and make out the person they have been tormenting in secret is the problem and not them.

Thank you for your reply, it’s good to hear from someone whose mother is in the same boat as me so to speak. One of my daughters does I feel think it’s me which makes me incredibly sad and 😭. Who on earth would want to make this shit up and be really unwell as a result !
My other 2 are more understanding so that’s some comfort to me.
All I’ve ever tried to do is be the best daughter but it’s never been good enough for her, I honestly don’t know how she could behave in such a cruel way but believe she has a personality disorder.
Can I ask did you appreciate your Mum telling you things it would you rather have not been told ?

@Belle43 I'm sorry to hear that one of your daughters is taking what your mother is saying about you to heart, all I can suggest there is that you try to understand that she isn't going to be open to hearing about your experiences with your mother just yet and telling her details will probably only reinforce whatever your mother has told her and she will probably feel she has to defend her grandmother. Best to keep your relationship with that daughter purely about everything other than your mother and she will inevitably see that the things your mother is telling her don't marry up with how she knows you to be. If she brings up your mother and things she has said about you go grey rock about it. Just because she doesn't want to see your side doesn't mean you shouldn't do what is best for you and go NC with your mum.

I'm no psychologist but from what you've said about your mothers behaviour and other threads I've read it sounds to me like she is a narcissist and it might help you to read the "but we took you to stately homes" thread on MN. There are a lot of people on there that will have similar stories and could provide more support than I can about that.

When my mum told us about her going NC with her mother and explained why, she was very diplomatic about it in the fact that she made it clear that these were things that happened between her and her mother. They didn't have anything to do with us or anyone else because no one else was involved. Her doing this didn't mean we had to take sides or change our relationship with our grandmother. Because of that I think it made it easier to look at her situation as being between 2 individuals which allowed us to accept why she was going NC (I know if my sis or I had been on the receiving end of the things she had done to my mother we would have gone NC with her) and not as 2 people we loved fighting and falling out if that makes sense? She also made it clear that we were not to get involved in what was going on between the 2 of them, their relationship is/was theirs to handle as they saw fit, it was not up to us to try and sort it or fix it for them. It took some of the emotion out of it and took away any innate responsibility we may have felt to try and mend fences within the family.

Knowing what she was like with my mum did change the way I looked at my grandmother which was inevitable because this person had hurt one of the people I love and care for most in the world. I have always been wary of her starting the behave in a similar way with me and I make sure to call her out on her behaviour if she tries to act up or make nasty comments. I'm lucky in that, while she is never happy when I pull her up, she knows I won't tolerate her nonsense and it kerbs her behaviour with me.

Sorry that was so long.

Thank you, your post has helped a lot x

Great post.

Anyone how do I get to "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3436970-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

It's on the relationships board. Just quite a long way down