Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separation but he’s refusing to leave

15 replies

pullthecracker · 06/12/2018 21:48

After being unhappy for most of my 16 year marriage, I finally plucked up the courage to tell him it was over three weeks ago. We have two daughters, aged 15 and 9, who both know, and have taken it very well. The problem is, dh is refusing to leave the house, his family live 70 miles away, he has no friends here, and a job that sounds like it is soon to finish as he keeps making mistakes in it.
It’s starting to change from being quite amicable to bitter, he thinks we should all spend Christmas Day together as he is refusing to spend it without our dd’s.
We are arranging mediation, but I just don’t know what to do, it’s so tense in the house.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 06/12/2018 22:48

Why should he be the one to leave and not you?
Has he been abusive or violent?
What are the options?

Original poster
pullthecracker · 06/12/2018 23:30

He can’t afford the house and bills, I’ve paid them the entire time, and dd’s want to live here with me. The mortgage is in joint names, but I’ve paid it every single month, my job is stable and nearby and schools are in walking distance. My family and friends are in this area too. There are times that he has been emotionally abusive but never violent.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 06/12/2018 23:35

Trouble is, if the house is in joint names he's got every right to live there. You could try a bit of bluff, "if you won't leave then me and the dds' will!"

Notacluethisxmas · 07/12/2018 05:10

I was in this situation this 2 years ago. It's not pleasant. So I get it, please don't think I am being harsh.

However, you need to get your head round the fact that it's half his house, since you are married. And he doesn't have to leave anymore than you do. That's just a fact.

My advice would be to start the divorce asap. Get proper legal advice then at least there is a plan as to what will happen with the house. Good luck.

I got through it. You will too.

Villagelifer · 07/12/2018 05:13

OP get legal advice asap.

Nitpickpicnic · 07/12/2018 05:20

Yep, start the formal divorce proceedings. Seperate his household tasks, start rosters for housework and time with your kids. Be calm, firm and resolute about changing life inside the house- until you can get him out.

He wants things ‘back the way they were’. Show him that’s not happening. Be very clear with family (especially his) and friends that things have changed forever. Awkwardness actually does have a powerful effect in these scenarios.

Good luck. And book a full Xmas day elsewhere. Preferably starting the night before, with a text once you get there.

rwalker · 07/12/2018 05:27

I'm sorry but your stuck it's his home as well.

Blondebakingmumma · 07/12/2018 05:30

No advice but wanted to wish you luck

SD1978 · 07/12/2018 05:30

As others have said- unless there is risk or threats of violence- he doesn't have to leave the house juts because you've ended the marriage. See a solicitor for the next step. He is entitled to equity from the home, and to live in the home. Regardless of who has paid the mortgage.

Changedname3456 · 07/12/2018 06:35

”And book a full Xmas day elsewhere. Preferably starting the night before, with a text once you get there.”

Hang on, why on earth does the OP get the whole day (and Xmas Eve) with their daughters?! The first one after a split with kids is especially fucking rough, for both parents, (and the kids I imagine - luckily not had to experience that as a child).

Agree that he shouldn’t be able to force OP to play happy families, but she should act like an adult and split the day/time with him. If for no other reason than she’ll be setting the precedent for next Christmas Eve/Day, when he’d take them away from her.

crappyday2018 · 07/12/2018 12:59

Hi OP, firstly seek legal advice. As others have said, you cannot force him to leave.
Unfortunately, even though he hasn't paid towards the mortgage, he will be entitled to half the house (unless your deeds have a different split specified).
Unless he agrees otherwise, you will have to either buy him out, or sell the house.
As for Xmas day, it might be fair just to suck it up and spend the day together. Even if he has been abusive in the past, you have to understand that he might be in shock and panicking about what he will do and where he will go. Its not really fair to expect him not to see the DC at Xmas either.

BeyondVicious · 07/12/2018 17:12

No advice OP but I really feel for you - mine is the other current thread along the same lines, just I'm 6months in to the separation... only thing I'm thankful for atm is that the house is rented!! Wish I'd never married him. Angry

ageingrockstar · 07/12/2018 22:18

Some harsh posters on this thread I just had to check I wan't on AIBU!

I would get some legal advice OP and maybe start to split chores, time spent together etc! Make him start doing his own cooking, laundry etc

Is he basically a decent bloke? Maybe he thinks if he ignores it, it will go away - you need him to understand this is for real!

cestlavielife · 08/12/2018 10:24

If he cannot afford bills etc how will he pay for rental if he leaves? Where would he go?
Would he get housing benefit?
You are married so need to speak to a divorce lawyer.....

Original poster
pullthecracker · 09/12/2018 08:54

Thank you all for your advice, I’m getting in touch with a divorce lawyer next week. He can go back to a house owned by his family , 5 bedrooms, rent free, and he has plenty of savings.
Beyond I know how you feel!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread