Horrible, awkward situation with dd's dad

[littlelamb]

My dd turns three tomorrow. I split up with her dad while I was pregnant and he was basically an arse to me through out my whole pregnancy. He sees her intermittently at best. I am on really good terms with his grandparents, who make a real effort to see her despite them living over 300 miles away (he lives far away too, but a bit closer than that.) i dont think I have had a proper, grown up conversation with her dad since she was born, and our relationship is awkward at best.
Tomorrow she is having a party, which the grandparents have paid for, and they have all come down for it. It is really lovely to see them, but the thing i feel horrible and petty about is this- her dad has brought his girlfriend along, without asking me if this was ok.
I know it may seem a minor thing, but it seems such a huge violation, of what I'm not sure. I have no feelings at all for him (I did hate him for a long time for how he treated me, but now I am really just indifferent) and I have a boyfriend I have been with for two years, so I am not in any way jealous of this girl, but I am just confused about how I feel about the whole thing.
Considering that he makes no effort at all the rest of the time, I just wonder why the sudden interest? It is not fair on my dd to have him around and promising her to take her places etc only for him to disappear for another year.
I desperately don't want to argue with him over this, becaus ethen I'll seem the 'evil mummy' who won't let him see her, but I am fed up with the way he only wants to know when it's convenient for him. I was dreading him being at the party anyway, and now I have to worry about her as well. She does seem a lovely girl to be fair, but I dont know her and i feel a bit funny about her being at my little girls party. We all had dinneer together ths evening and she just rubbed me up the wriong way, saying they'd take dd out tomorrow morning and I just thought -NO! I don't know this woman and I do not want her mothering my child. How unreasonable is that of me?! I know how ridiculous that is, as she was only trying to be nice.I really hope this doesn't sound as petty as I am afraid it does. I just feel he is taking the piss. My life is so much easier when he is not in it. How do I handle this? Any advice? Or please just tell me to pull myself together

"Considering that he makes no effort at all the rest of the time, I just wonder why the sudden interest?".

I imagine that it's the nice girl that he's seeing that's behind him showing an interest, as sounds like she is keen to do the right thing by his daughter, by meeting up with you, suggesting outings etc.

Otherwise - I can see that as you have difficulties with him, dealing with a gf of his just feels a mental step too far, but given that it's his family paying for the party, I think you've just got to accept it and hope it goes well.

Not read the whole thread but.....
If you have a new partner that you have been with for 2 years my guess is he treats your child well and is in fact seen in the daddy role, so even though your ex sounds like an arse you seem to not want his GF to be seen in any way in a step mum role, this is unfair if your BF is allowed to be in your childs life then her dads GF should be given equal respect.

Ok now have read whole thread

Thanks for the replies, they make a lot of sense. Kimi, I think its a bit more that that though. If he saw her even a reasonable number of times a year this would not bother me so much. But as it is, all of a sudden here he is, and with a new girlfriend. I have lost count of the number of girlfriends he has had in the last three years, and I do not want him introducing any future girlfriends he may or may not have to her in such a casual manner. I know his life is none of my business, but I feel that he should consider dds feelings as well. She is already very confused, as she does see my partner as her 'daddy' though she doesnt call him that. So, as unreasonable as it may seem, I dont think I should see his girlfriend on a level pegging with my partner. My partner is there for her, a constant presence in her life, and her dad only sees her when he can be bothered, which must honestly total less than two weeks in her entire life. I don't know how to make my feelings seem reasonable, I feel I am digging myself into a pathetic little hole, but this has really got to me

I think it's a bit odd of him to be honest. And of the new girlfriend too. I'm trying to imagine if I were in her shoes and I don't think I would expect to attend a little girl's birthday party as the dad's girlfriend without an invitation from the mother.

In your situation, I think I'd have gone for a party with her and family and friends. And he could do his own birthday celebration with her. Too late for that now and complicated by the fact of the grandparents paying.

Not helpful I know but I can understand how distressing it must be. Very uncomfortable.

But maybe this girl friend is going to be a good think in his life and help him see he is a father and needs to act as such.
Also if his parents are paying for the party then he has a right to come and bring his partner.
Yes he should have told you this was what he was going to do, but I think you just have to accept that this is what is going to happen and not let it spoil the party for you or his child

how did it all go, Littlelamb?