Need to become a better person. Help me

[PeggySuehadababy]

Hello,

Been with my husband for over 6 years.In the last couple of years I feel like I have become a monster. When we got together I was patient, lovely, and happy; now I have turned into a nagging woman, complaining and pushing him away.

We argue often, mostly because he thinks I treat him badly. If I ask him where something is/to do something he says I'm nagging, and that I have to improve. When he gets angry because I cannot find something I get really defensive and I know it's my fault.

I admit I get irritated because he behaves like me, but if I try to make him notice that he says that's not true and I am the nasty one.

How do I improve my behaviour?

Why should you have to change? Maybe the problem is him.

If I ask him where something is/to do something he says I'm nagging, and that I have to improve.

He sounds very unreasonable to me. Why would he be nasty to you over this? Sounds a not very helpful hubby. Maybe he needs to learn some humility and respect for women.

He sounds very unreasonable to me. Why would he be nasty to you over this? Sounds a not very helpful hubby. Maybe he needs to learn some humility and respect for women.

Why does it always have to be the fault of the man? The OP has admitted, that quite frankly she's a bit of a cow- but it must be HIS fault? Eh?

OP- are there other things on your mind that are making you snappy? Try an open and frank conversation with your hubby and try to see from both sides. Tell him when you're feeling low, he may be able to help!
Try to start afresh.
Deep breaths when you feel like you're going to say something mean.

Maybe posting a typical example would be helpful.

We could give you advice on the basis of how you describe yourself but it is possible that you aren't the issue here. There isn't enough detail to really assess that though. Either one of you or both could be at fault for the dynamic.

When you ask him to help you does he actually help you? If not he might be the problem not you.

Thanks, I think we both should sit and talk through it. I'm just so desperate he might leave that don't know what to do.

Examples is probably, I forget to put the dishwasher on, he becomes really upset and keeps talking about it for hours, if I remind him to load on a different occasion he thinks I'm nagging. I've become quite shouty I realise as a defense mechanism, as if people were attacking me constantly.

I'd just like to be more patient with everyone.

Does he actually use the words “have to improve”? This isn’t how loving partners speak to each other. You’re not a slightly lacklustre junior from the office.
It’s not really possible though to tell from your post whether you are unreasonably snappy with him or he with you.
I have turned into a much snippier, harder-to-live-with person since I became perimenopausal. Have you changed? Have you been together long? Has he always spoken to you like this?

Examples is probably, I forget to put the dishwasher on, he becomes really upset and keeps talking about it for hours, if I remind him to load on a different occasion he thinks I'm nagging.

Hell no. This entitled man needs to start doing the chores himself. He sounds very chauvinist in his outlook. I'm guessing he's not a feminist is he.

Do you both do your fair share of everything that needs doing, including the thinking and managing?

Sit down and talk about what you both do and need to do and then agree to talk to each other more respectfully, like you would a friend.

You need to improve how exactly?
He wants you to do more?
What are his chores and what are yours?
What does he do around the house?
I'm not sure I like the sound of him but we've not got much to go on.
Can you sit down together and discuss things calmly?
Both write down your 'issues' with each other and take it from there.

I recently weaned my 2 year old DD, since her birth I have definitely been snippier.

I think the reason is when he was more stressed he used to behave the same way, shouty, nagging etc.. and it's like I have absorbed some traits over the time.

Maybe you both ‘need to improve’?

Perhaps you both need to reset back to being desensitised about each other’s behaviour again, so you’re not constantly on the alert with negatives peeping out all the time just waiting to be let loose.

Can you find a counsellor who can help you both with this?

The example you have is of him being a dick.

I don't get how that's an example of how you need to improve.

Sorry OP but you keep avoiding the question of the division of chores. What does he do around the home? He sounds like a very entitled chauvinist and I'm not seeing any evidence otherwise.

I think we do need counselling. I will try and suggest it.

Thank you.