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Original poster

Am I being controlling??

23 replies

FirstTimeMummy98 · 05/12/2018 22:47

Hi guys I’m just wondering what people’s thoughts are on partners drinking during pregnancy?

My partner drinks roughly about 12-16 beers on a weekend however his habits carry on and off through the week, I’ve asked him not to drink in the house as the smell of it makes my stomach turn and he gets a bit annoying when he’s drunk (not aggressive or violent), but he just ignores me.

I’m 22 weeks and I feel like he don’t care when it comes to his drinking,he’s saying I’m controlling even though I let him drink when I’m out and even tell him to go to the pub if he wants .hes always been quite a big drinker but I thought it would calm down,unfortunately that don’t seem to be the case and I’m just worried that it’s goong to continue when the baby arrives.

Can I have some advice please I don’t want to be seen as controlling but as I’ve had parents that were classed as alcoholics I guess I’ve just got a bad memory of drink and want to get him help if he needs it .

Thanks xx

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 05/12/2018 23:09

You do sound rather controlling. Why can't he have a beer in his own home? He sounds like he drinks quite a lot at the weekend though. I wouldn't see it as your place to "allow" him to drink, or much else to be honest.

Wouldyoubelieeeeeeveit · 05/12/2018 23:16

It's not just "a beer" though is it.

Op I don't think you sound controlling.

if he is regularly drinking 12-16 beers at the weekend alone that is excessive and I think I'd be worried / saying something too.

Unfortunately The difficulty is that nothing you say or do is going to change his behaviour, he has to want to change / stop/ reduce his intake.

Ozziewozzie · 05/12/2018 23:19

@Ladylapsang Controlling? Are you kidding.
Op is 22 weeks pregnant. Sense of smell changes when pregnant. The last thing she wants is to be feeling unnessasary sick at home due to excessive beer drinking. Also she doesn’t want the excessive drinking around her baby. What if she goes into labor and do is half cut? It’s really not advisable to be drunk around a child. What if op spends time in hospital and do has to care for baby?
Op, YANB controlling. That’s the response of someone deflecting the issue from himself and into you. The health visitor will ask about issues when they visit you just before your baby is due. Be honest xxxxx

ernjas · 05/12/2018 23:21

Completely agree with @Ozziewozzie

lostpigeon · 05/12/2018 23:22

bit late now....if he was drinking 12 to 16 a weekend before you were pregnant, he will carry on the same....blokes don't change!

lostpigeon · 05/12/2018 23:23

and is 12 to 16, is that units or pints? 2 nights or 3 nights?

FelixTitling · 05/12/2018 23:26

so 6-8 cans a night every Fri and Sat night? That's not what I would be looking for in a partner, pregnant or not.

lostpigeon · 05/12/2018 23:33

"I just thought it would calm down"

sorry, you have nothing to complain about!!

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2018 00:00

He's a problem drinker. You really thought he would magically change?

Dirtybadger · 06/12/2018 00:00

6-8 cans of lager every Fri/Sat night wouldn't be for me. But I suppose it could be seen as controlling. The difficulty is that you didn't make a big out if it before (even though its a big deal) and you're now moving the goal posts. So he is going to be annoyed at having to make a change you ignored before....

But you're perfectly entitled to not want to live with someone who drinks like that every weekend. And he is within his rights to continue. He never said he would do otherwise. What are you going to do if he doesn't want to stop?

Original poster

FirstTimeMummy98 · 06/12/2018 01:27

I need to rephrase myself there when I say he’s always been a ‘big drinker’ he does drink a lot,exceeding 14 cans some weekends and can drink 8 somtimes on a weekday but He’s not a bad drunk he’s just loud and hyper but when it’s a Wednesday night and he’s sat drinking by himself it’s a different story I feel sad for him.

I’m not telling him to quit alcohol full stop ,just not drink it around me as I can’t take the smell and tbh when he’s asleep he has a tendency to kick his legs and throw his arms out in his sleep when he’s had a drink so I’ve asked him to just stop in the house or tone it down until the weekend ,he’s perfectly fine to go out or to his mates and drink otherwise. He also says once the baby’s here he’s not going to drink once the baby arrives unless it’s a family occasion so I don’t know if he’s just getting it all out his system??

Sorry if that sounds ‘controlling’ but I’m trying help before he gets to have a everyday drinking habit

OP posts:

Original poster

FirstTimeMummy98 · 06/12/2018 01:33

He drinks every weekend and 3 out of 5 working days some weeks so is that a binge drinker or a alcoholic or just a typical man?

OP posts:

category12 · 06/12/2018 06:30

I'm calling bullshit on him stopping when the baby arrives.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2018 06:48

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

What Ozziewozzie wrote earlier.

You grew up with parents who are alcoholics and now you are with a man who acts similarly and accuses you unfairly of being controlling. How is pointing out his behaviours towards you controlling exactly, it is not. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you a lot of damaging lessons.

If anyone is controlling here it is he. His primary relationship is with drink; its not with you or your as yet unborn child.

You could not help your parents then and you cannot help this man now, it cannot come from you. The only person who can help him here is his own self and he is showing no indication at all of wanting to address his drinking problem. He is not going to give up the drink once your child is born and will continue to drink during the week too.

I would actually consider yours and your child's future within this relationship because your child could all too easily grow up seeing what you saw. Its no legacy to leave your child. Be honest with the midwives here and seek support for your own self from Al-anon.

Tika77 · 06/12/2018 06:52

The problem with alcoholism is that it might start off mellow and loud etc and can soon develop into agression. That’s not something you’d want for your child to grow up into, either way.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2018 06:53

I would certainly call him an alcoholic and no, he is not getting this out of his system. He is dependent on this and its all symptomatic of a long standing drink problem that probably also predates you. If he is indeed an alcoholic then he should not be drinking alcohol ever again.

I reiterate, you cannot help him and no-one anyway can act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship. You can only help your own self and put you and your child first rather than him.

pinkhorse · 06/12/2018 07:01

IMO it's not a typical man. I couldn't be with someone like that. You've grown up with alcoholic parents so you think this is normal.

disneyspendingmoney · 06/12/2018 07:28

you are NOT being controlling

if your concerned now, in a in a year's time when your dog tired and have a cold and dcs sniffly and he comes in after having had his 14 cans hyper and all over the place.

What you have at is a concern it's not controlling, it is a basic thing to ask for some consideration and for it to be reciprocated.

atilla and Ozzie are right.

He has to get off his self indulgent band wagon now and support.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 06/12/2018 07:58

As a recovering alcoholic, I pretty much always concur with what Atilla says on this subject. Yes, he's an alcoholic and there is no "getting it out of the system"; rather, it's a progressive illness and far more likely to become worse over time. He'll have the excuse of the "stress" of a crying baby too.

You must think of yourself and your child. You are certainly not being controlling but equally, he's the only person who can do anything to change his drinking habits and behaviour and he has to want to do that. Regular AA meetings, the 12 step programme, a sponsor and a commitment to zero alcohol are the only steps I've known to work (and I have friends of 30 plus years sober).

Good luck OP.

Original poster

FirstTimeMummy98 · 06/12/2018 11:10

Thank you all so much for your advice I’ve read through them all carefully and I do realise he needs help or it could get a lot worse I want to confront him but I don’t want to send I’m on a downward spiral if he thinks I’m trying to call him a bad parent already ..I’m trying to stay stress free but it’s proving a bit difficult at the moment.

I will have a chat with him when he gets home from work and see what he thinks his options are

I don’t want him to not see our baby or be involved because I know he does love us both,however I don’t want to see him become ill because I don’t want the cycle to continue with my child the way it did for me.

Thanks for not seeing me as controlling,I thought I was going crazy for a minute x

OP posts:

piscis · 06/12/2018 12:31

You are not controlling.
If he was drinking 3 or 4 beers a day, maybe I would consider you a bit controlling, but drinking that much...no, you are not controlling, it is only natural you do not want him to drink so much at this point, and certainly not when the baby is born!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2018 13:06

Hi FirstTimeMummy98

re your comments that I have separated out:-

""Thank you all so much for your advice I’ve read through them all carefully and I do realise he needs help or it could get a lot worse I want to confront him but I don’t want to send I’m on a downward spiral if he thinks I’m trying to call him a bad parent already ..I’m trying to stay stress free but it’s proving a bit difficult at the moment".

You need support too. I would think that in the time you have been together he has continued to drink more too.

He does not want your help or support and besides which you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him. You cannot make him seek help and you cannot talk him into seeking help; the will to do so has to come from him and he alone. Any attempts you make will not work, you will only end up enabling him. You can only help your own self ultimately.

"I will have a chat with him when he gets home from work and see what he thinks his options are"

And what do you think he is going to say?.

I am so sorry but that will not work either. He will likely look to you still to allow him to continue his drinking to excess or continue to call you controlling (which you are not).

"I don’t want him to not see our baby or be involved because I know he does love us both,however I don’t want to see him become ill because I don’t want the cycle to continue with my child the way it did for me".

His primary relationship is with drink; its not with you or your as yet unborn child. The cycle will continue with your child just as it did with you. Do you think that he will be at all responsible enough to see your child anyway?. You grew up seeing alcoholic parents and your child could well grow up having an alcoholic dad in their lives; do not do this to that child. No-one sadly protected you from their alcoholism and it has affected you markedly to this very day.

I would urge you to seek support for your own self and go along to an Al-anon meeting; at the very least call them and read their literature.

Iris27 · 06/12/2018 19:08

OP I've been in your shoes. My ex drank exactly like yours. He didn't stop. He drank all around my due date and it increased after we had the baby - he uses it to eliviate stress.

I was also called controlling, and it was his main argument against me when I complained about his drinking. He wasn't an aggressive drunk but it was like he wasn't there and he'd never remember a conversation.

He started hiding it and promising to change. It didn't happen.

One night he took the baby out in the pram for a walk and it came back stinking of beer where he'd spilt beer all over it.

I lost trust in him, and now we arent together.

I hope your situation turns out differently. However there's only one person who can make him change - himself. I really feel for you xx

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