How do you let go and move on?

[Lattesforlife]

I split up from my ex over the summer, but I’m still struggling. I feel like I SHOULD be over him / us. I’m grieving for the future I thought we were going to have, but honestly, he was a controlling, Abusive bastard - my friends and family are so utterly relieved I’m not with him any more. If it was my daughter I would have been gutted if she had been in a relationship like that. Why can’t I see or feel this myself yet?

How can I speed this up? He’s blocked on all social media, I’m throwing myself into gym / work / friends.... but I still have to see him several times a week, and I miss our family life and his kids.

The woman he had emotional affair with commented on a social media photo of him today and my friend sent it to me. I feel gutted and hurt and bitter all over again.

It’s 1 step forward, 2 steps back. What practical steps can I take to make this better? How long does it take before you get over a relationship? Why, when he hurt me so badly, do I still miss him?

Tell your friends to stop sending
Info. About him on fb.
That's why he's blocked.
But as to how long it's different for everyone.
Be gentle with yourself.
Keep filling your life up with good stuff.
You'll get there.

Your "friend" isn't much of one. Why on earth would they send you that? Tell them not to in future.

Why do you have to see him so often?

Definitely ask your friend not to send you that stuff - it’s not helping!

I think only time can help here - and whether he treated you badly or not doesn’t really matter, there was still an attachment.

Keep doing what you’re doing, get Christmas out the way and by Spring you will feel miles better.

When you see him, just talk about your kids, don’t slip into the sorts of conversations you used to have; he has no need to know anything else. My ex does this with me - he asks how my parents are, where I went at the weekend, where I’m going, how’s work etc etc and it’s easy to fall back into that familiar way of talking to each other. But, you need to resist it and once you start to stop giving him any information, that ‘bond’ will start to dwindle. Keep it friendly but don’t get off the subject of your kids.

It’s not easy, I know, but it sounds like you’re coping well and as only can be expected in the circumstances. Hang in there, I promise you will feel better soon 😊

It was actually his sister in law who sent it, I think she was as shocked as I was at the brazen-ness of it, rather than trying to stir, but I did say I didn’t want to see any of it any more as it was just too hard.

We have to see each other because of kids (we don’t have any together, but are at same school) I can’t grt away from that. And you are right, we have slipped in to old patterns of talking - catching up almost. I feel rejected all over again I think, because he knows things have been hard, and I’ve been worried about him, but I’ve had no concern back about me.

This time of year makes it all so much bloody harder, I can’t wait for a new year. I wish I had a fast forward button, I just never expected to still be so floored by this.

And how is it fair that he walks away and is fine? Doesn’t feel a thing and doesn’t miss out life at all? I don’t get how someone can just switch off like that. It’s shit!

OP - you may have what is called trauma bonding. It’s where a victim of emotional abuse suffers trauma and they find it difficult to escape. Not dissimilar to Stockholm syndrome really.

Your relative sending you this stuff isn’t helpful, you need to block it out. Friends of mine have sent me stuff of my ex in the past and it has ripped through me like a knife, blocking and NC is the only way I think.

As much as it sucks to hear time is the healer. It may be worth you seeking help from counselling if you feel you have been subjected to domestic abuse. Perhaps try women’s aid? They were so helpful for me and I’ve enrolled onto the freedom programme which I’m finding is helping me.

Definitely tell people to stop giving you info about him and what he is doing.

At for school, completely ignore him. I imagine you don't stop and talk at length to every parent there every time?

Chatting with him isn't helping you at all and just gives me a massive ego stroke. Ignore him.