Witholding

[sofedupofthis]

I have been with my partner for 10 years.

I have always had issues with his "lack of communication" with me. Conversely, he always seems to be very keen to know what I am doing and who with, when etc etc. Sometimes I will be asked 3 or 4 times what time I am doing something etc.

However, I am not told about things that affect me. The big issue is the comings and goings of his 4 young adult children and their partners. From a practical point of view, I do all the shopping and cooking, so it's good to know who I am feeding and who I am providing a bed for the night.

But its the emotional side that is so hard to take. I feel insignificant and irrelevant. I can literally be sitting in my home and his young adults turn up and my partner is fully aware they are coming and often has known for weeks or days but "forgotten" to tell me. I have tried to ask them to tell me what's happening and they do for a couple of times, then revert to just telling their Dad. They walk in and help themselves to food without referring to me.

We had counselling years ago and this was brought up by me and the counsellor told him he needed to let me know about this sort of thing and he agreed, but now it doesn't happen.

If I get upset and tell him how his actions make me feel, he tells me I am unreasonable, petty and unkind. He then barely talks to me for a day or so.

I have stopped talking to him about it and just try and accept it, but I feel smaller and smaller each time it happens.

Sounds very disrespectful to me

If I want to know anything about him or his kids, I have to constantly ask. The information is never just given freely.

That's not normal is it?

Even things like him going out for the evening. I never know where or when unless he wants a lift. If I go out, he wants to know exact times, who I am with, where I am going, sometimes weeks in advance. The difference is that I always freely tell him anyway.

No it isn't normal and it very noninclusive. I don't want to just come on here and say "LTB" but personally I couldn't stay in a relationship where my OH didn't see me as part of his family or respect me enough to have the common courtesy of letting me know who's calling to the house/staying for dinner/sleeping over. He knows you would like to know all this but he doesn't care. That's very wrong.

OP - it must be tough.
Have you also enabled it, I wonder....

Why play along? Why answer his questions about who you are with and when if he doesn’t.
I’d just start behaving like he does.
Not tell him and go out. Let him arrive home to no dinner, surely he is a grown man and can fend for himself.

If he asks - who with you are going out - i’d say - friends and stop quizzing me - if he asks again and again.

I’d also stop stocking the fridge and cooking dinners for constant visitors. It’ll only take a few times of arriving with no food easlily provided - and having to organise it themselves - and they’ll get the message...

They are grown ups and HIS children. Let them - or him take care of dinner. Especially if your weren’t made aware of that.

Same with beds - they know where the linen is....

You are letting them to treat you as a maid at air b&b....
It won’t change unless you change your response and make your boundaries clear.

Was about to post the same as MMmom. Why should he give you notice when there's ALWAYS food, bed and taxi service available? Bu enough food for a couple of meals. When people turn up without notice and there's nothing on the table, see what happens.

You are taken for granted and you allow it. You stop bein available and watch the changes...

Why are you running a hotel and taxi service for him and his children and their partners ?

Well, I have tried behaving differently in the past.

I have tried not keeping food in the house which means that instead of shopping weekly (my preference), I end up shopping daily which I don't have time for. More to the point, my DP just jumps up and immediately goes shopping or says he's taking us all out to dinner if there is no food in the house, or tells me to throw away food I had planned for dinner under the guise of "doing something nice instead".

If I just don't cook, he steps in merrily and goes shopping and cooking for them, will make up beds etc quite cheerily. Of course, he is pleased to see them and has had time to plan for their visit.

So in theory, there is no problem right? But of course, having your evening plans for dinner disrupted or your quiet night in disrupted without seemingly a care for me is dis-respectful.

I can fix the practical side by doing the above. But ultimately, it is the emotional side that is still the problem. Even if I don't have to lift a finger, I still feel disrespected.

OK - OP - your issues and what you SAY your issues are aren’t the same.
So - you then seem to make yourself a martyr a bit and complain about practical issues....

However. A few points....
At some point you got together with a man who had a precious family and several children. They were always going to be in his life.
And he didn’t suddenly become a family man - with close connection to his children. I am guessing he has always been.

So - you need to figure out how to live with the life you chose - OR leave if you can’t find a way to live with it...

In your place - i’d mark my boundaries a bit clearer.
Left the practical points to him - as he seems happy to do it.
And if he wants to go out when you planned to stay home - i’d enjoy a quiet time at home. If I didn’t feel like going out.
And cooked dinner can wait in fridge till tomorrow. Nothing wrong with that.

And yes - i’d also just lived my life - and saw friends and had hobbies - as I think it’s healthy to have other interests outside of the house.

I would never try and stop him seeing his kids. I have never said no, they can't come over and never would. It's just that when he makes the arrangement, just drop me a text or let me know that evening.

I also have children and he knows when mine are coming and if they cancel, he knows this too. To me, it is to be expected that the children will communicate with their natural parent, but it is courtesy to let everyone involved know what's going on.

I have been told by my cleaner before (he has told her but not me) about what is happening in my home. I have also heard things from my in laws and at parties by total strangers who have told me how nice it is that DP is doing x, y or z next week.

If he has a night out cancelled or he will be home late from work. I am not told. He is not a forgetful man though. He is incredibly organised in every aspect of his life and holds down a responsible job.

He knows my every move because I tell him and because he constantly asks. I have also tried not telling him what I am doing or giving him very succinct answers, it causes a row and I am then not spoken to for a day or so as I am being "difficult" and "petty", by mirroring his own behaviour back to him.

He doesn't respect you enough to tell you anything op. You're not important enough to be told. What do you get out of this relationship? He really has no regards for you or your time. You're merely there.

That is exactly what I am wondering Floralhousecoat.

The message I feel that is being sent is that he is the only important one. He deserves to know exactly what is happening at home, whereas I am little more than a lodger with benefits.

My ex used to do this. I know exactly how you feel. It comes down to respect, or more precisely lack of. Personally I found it untenable, and if you look carefully I bet it's not the only way he shows it.

This is all very deliberate and selective. He is quietly frustrating you and holding all of the power without raising his voice. Sounds quite passive aggressive and controlling - wants to keep you on your toes. Wonder if he wants to cause conflict but make it your fault?

Not very nice is it? Why did his last marriage break down? I bet he is Mr Nice Guy (google that) to the outside world - but he is keeping you at a distance - making it clear you are not his priority and he doesn’t hear you.

Call him on it. Set a standard and a boundary - he has to update you on Sunday night of his movements for the week etc and the declare the consequence - but in reality if there is something deeper (dis respect) going on here - and if you have to police and micromanage basic respect - then it ain’t worth it.

I agree with the PP's sofedupofthis, he doesn't respect you at all. You have told him time and again how his behaviour makes you feel and he has dismissed it completely because to him how you feel doesn't matter. His reaction to you mirroring his behaviour back to him is also disrespectful and controlling. He gets to know your every move and if you don't conform to this he tells you that your are "difficult" and "petty", has a go at you and then the silent treatment. That is very controlling behaviour on his part.
"The message I feel that is being sent is that he is the only important one. He deserves to know exactly what is happening at home, whereas I am little more than a lodger with benefits."
I think you've gotten the message from him loud and clear OP, now it's up to you if you want to stay where you are as a lodger with benefits or if you want more from life.

If you know he is not being forgetful, then he is being extremely rude and inconsiderate and he is not respecting your feelings or your wishes.

He is behaving really badly here. Is this the only thing he does that is out of order?

I agree with @another20 I feel as though he is being deliberately abusive. He is 'choosing' to withhold information from you to hold some sort of power. He needs to know exactly what you are doing though, so he is always in control. Its not that you are not significant, or important, its because he is controlling.
I wish I knew what advise to give you but this is not a nice way to behave. Talking to him is clearly not going to work as he's never going to admit to this. He then turns it around on you (typical control freak).

I would hate that. It's meant to be your home, too. You are respectful and tell him about visits that impact him. He should do the same.

Are you sure you want to live with this man? It sounds like you might be happier living alone.

I notice you're not married, too. I hope you're not putting yourself at a financial disadvantage by living with him.

If I was put in this position I would probably make a point of asking repeatedly who was coming for dinner and why I was asking.
e.g. "are we expecting anyone for dinner tomorrow/tonight/this week darling because I was going to cook such and such and need to know for numbers/ or I was planning a bit of time for myself on such and such a day so I can make other plans if we are expecting guests; I actually feel left out /taken advantage of/disrupted etc if people turn up when I wasn't expecting them" or something like that.
In the nicest possible way of course.

This would preempt the feeling of being excluded and disrespected and simultaneously emphasise how it puts you out and makes you feel. It puts you in an assertive position and clearly and explicitly details what effect his behaviour has.

i used to live with someone who would ring my door bell when he had keys on him. God knows why.

I did the same to him and when he asked if I had forgotten my keys I replied, "no, I have them here in my pocket, but I thought it was perfectly reasonable to ask you to stop what you were doing and come and answer the door to me because I don't consider your time to be as important as mine"

Why I say it is selective and deliberate to hurt/control/frustrate you is that you say he is not a forgetful/muddled type - he talks openly about his plans with your cleaner and family.

He is treating you with quiet contempt.

He is provoking you and knows that you would feel compromised complaining about his children - although this is not what you are complaining about - but he would twist it that way.

Step back and watch other behaviours and how they make you FEEL.