Am I a mug?

[IStoleThisName]

Best friend of over 20 years missed my birthday. She said she'd be over as she was in the area (ten minute drive away) then subsequently ignored all my messages until 5pm and replied with "Sorry, worst day. Will explain tomorrow"

That explanation didn't come. I had a terrible birthday (my 30th so I thought it was a bigger deal than most) and we usually text every day as we just have one of those friendships. I think I'm more put out as a day after a D&C I dragged my three kids over to hers to see her for her 30th birthday while cramping and bleeding but she couldn't be bothered to see me.

Cut to now, we haven't spoken in two weeks. She hasn't messaged at all and I haven't pushed. She's been active on Facebook, Snapchat and Instastories showing she's been with her family babysitting her nephews and watching Netflix in bed. She sent a message yesterday saying she was feeling better and to expect regular updates. I said ok just to say something and now she's messaged today a big update about her health (no new information, just general appointment things we always used to tell each other).

I'm so upset and annoyed that she couldn't be bothered to text me at all in those two weeks but could interact with others, come 20 miles to babysit (she doesn't drive so would need to go even further to get here via her boyfriend or public transport), go to a guitar shop with her boyfriend and watch what feels like endless tv. I have read the message but haven't responded. I feel like I'm being really petty but if I say something about how I feel she's going to tell me that it's her mental health playing up despite the fact in all the years she's struggled with depression she's spoken to me about it at the time.

I feel if I just launch back in with her that I'm a mug but if I don't I'm not sure what will happen. She's my only real friend and the person I talk to the most, even if we don't see each other a lot. It all sounds so childish but I don't know if I should sweep it under the rug and reply or if I'm within my rights to be upset and not want to contact her for a while, not so much out of spite but because I'm seriously hurt.

You should back off for a while, and not get into an argument but make it clear you're not doing the running now. And work on looking for new friends. It sounds like it would be hurtful and disappointing.

DH thinks I should go no contact until the new year and see how she approaches the situation. I can't help but feel it's a bit petty because I'm an advocate of full disclosure and talking things out but right now I have a four month old baby, a lot going on with my own health (that she's fully aware of), a lot of stress with assignments due as a university student on top and another two kids to gear up for Christmas with. I don't want to spend hours talking through feelings and getting into arguments right now and I also don't want her to think I don't take her mental health seriously but I can clearly see the logical fallacy in being absolutely fine to do certain things but not open a messaging app to write a few lines.

It sounds very intense. Perhaps she's trying to back off a bit, whilst remaining friends? Being someone's only friend must feel quite stressful at times, so she may be happy for you to message less frequently and expand your circle.

It would be a real shame to fall out. I sure she wouldn't want that either.

She's not my only friend, just my only real friend. I have a large circle of old friends & acquaintances that I talk to via social media and university friends that I speak to every day but she's my best friend. The one I talk to everything about that I wouldn't dream of telling the others. The one that's been around the longest etc. I see my university friends far far more than I see her and talk to them more often too so I don't think it's the intensity that's the issue. Like I said, we don't see each other often but we do speak every day and about pretty much everything.

I really don't want to fall out with her, I love her like a sister but I do feel really hurt by the fact that she just couldn't be bothered and everything was more important than a quick text at any point in those two weeks.

If, for many years, she has been an unfailingly good, supportive, attentive friend, and this is a very uncharacteristic blip in her behaviour and personality (and only you know whether this is a fair assessment) then I’d be inclined to cut her some slack and assume that something has gone awry for her emotionally - even though her resulting behaviour has been hurtful to you.

Once or twice a year I experience periods where I fall into a crushing slough of despond. From the outside, everything looks like business as usual - I go to work, I keep up with commitments, I even socialise a bit. But believe me when I say that under the exhaustive facade, I can’t bring myself to do simple things like answer text messages or receive phone calls. It isn’t about not being “bothered”: it’s as though something switches off in my head and I just can’t summon up the power to do it without wanting to cry. Since I started experiencing this, I’ve become a lot more tolerant of others who struggle with maintaining reliable communication, as long as for the most part they are considerate and kind people.

For both of your wellbeings, don’t make this a tit for tat thing where you snub her because you feel she snubbed you. If you feel you need a little bit of time to work through your hurt and disappointment that she wasn’t there for our birthday then that’s absolutely fine - send her a message telling her how you feel, that you get she probably had some issues of her own going on and you understand that, but are still feeling a little out of sorts regardless and just want a bit of space to process that before you next see her.

I think you should speak to her directly and say "I'm really hurt that you missed my birthday and I don't really understand why and what happened - I was worried by your message on the day, but what you've explained since doesn't seem like the crisis I feared it was. Is there something going on?"

And if it's all there is, then I'd be a bit rolly-eyes and detaching from her.

If it’s as genuine and close a friendship as you claim, you should be able to talk to her about this honestly. Just message and say ‘I just wanted to get something off my chest that’s bothering me so we can sort it out, if that’s okay? I felt a bit disappointed that you didn’t acknowledge my birthday and were off the radar for a couple of weeks afterwards, I worried about you. Is everything okay?’ and see what she says.

She could have all sorts going on, I have depression and when I’m in a bad episode you wouldn’t really see it from the outside but I find it almost impossible to speak to anyone who loves me cos it just makes me feel like I’m a terrible person and don’t deserve them and they would be better off without me.

A real friendship can withstand the occasional disagreement or difference of opinion, don’t be childish, just speak to her like she’s the woman you love and respect in the spirit of wanting to clear the air and move on, if she cares about you she’ll be glad you spoke up.

And maybe you’ll get some honesty from her, you may not like what you hear but it’s better than being in the dark. Maybe she’s feeling overwhelmed with the daily contact and being your ‘only real friend’, that’s quite a burden to hold if you start wanting a bit more space yourself. We can only speculate, she knows the truth.