Big Barney and split

[Dontkn]

Hi all,
I’ve been lurking these threads for a few days now, I’ll just get to it.

Me and my partner have had a very stressful year as a couple, his ex died leaving him and myself to pull together as best we could and merge his two dcs and my dc from a previous partner. Not to badmouth the sdc’s mum but she didn’t teach these kids very much in her time with them (unfortunately my OH and his ex had a very strained relationship which resulted in him not seeing his children for long periods of time, multiple lawyer visits etc). On top of this has been family deaths (his gran) his two siblings suicide attempts, and two of my close relatives with terminal diagnosis’s. His mental health has obviously been up and down, mainly down. I myself suffer mh problems too which have recently gotten much worse. Anyway, we struggle to communicate and this last few weeks have been building up for a proper argument, he never goes out so decided to go out at the weekend (two days drinking) I thought who drinks from morning to night but thought yeah it’s a one off so no biggie. Little did I know he planned to go again this weekend.

In between the week (the day before my birthday) we had a bit of a heated talk about my mental health and that he doesn’t feel I’m part of the family etc and said he’s thought about just packing up, taking his two kids and going. I said I’m sorry he felt that way and that I’d have appreciated a bit of communication before it got to this point, anyhow we made it up.

My birthday was the next day, I felt particularly down because of my family forgetting every year, I only want a happy birthday but nothing. So he now knows I’m a bit upset over it.

He then goes out on Saturday morning saying he’s coming back on Sunday. Sunday comes, he texts late in the day to say he’s drinking again and not coming back till the next day, to this I let him know Im not happy with that treatment.

Next day I just decided that I can’t take this any more and told him to stay away for a bit.

He then decides to text that he’s finishing with me.

Now we’ve not really talked apart from about the kids, I told him I need time for me and I need to think.

If you got this far thanks

He fucked off on your birthday to get drunk???

His behavior isn't great there. Has he always been like this - avoiding issues until they come to a head, then handling them very poorly?

If yes, then I'd say this relationship isn't going to work.

If he's normally been a good partner and responsible adult, then I'd be concerned that the stress of the last year has built up to a point that he's not coping and is using alcohol to hide from it.

Have either of you had any counselling? Together or separate? It might be helpful.

He went off drinking leaving his children who have been bereaved.

How are they coping? What ages? Are they getting counselling?

I think you both need to put the dc first, decide what is best for them and perhaps it is to live with one parent...if the dad will be sober.

Sorry I don’t think I made myself clear, I was typing quite fast. He did make a little fuss of me for my birthday, gifts from the kids, cake etc. Usually on someone’s birthday st ours we plan a day out at the weekend for it, this time he chose to go out with his friend instead at the weekend, my birthday was on the Thursday, he went out on the Saturday. Thanks for your reply

SleepWarrior

Yes he quite regularly bottles it up and doesn’t communicate how he’s feeling. I can hand on heart say that more often than not he’s been a good partner.

I also think I should add that he doesn’t go out usually at all, occasionally he cycles and occasionally once fortnight goes out to do something with his cousin or whoever such as breakfast etc.

We haven’t had counselling about these issues, however at the start of our relationship I caught him messaging two women, one woman he had met with and shared a kiss. We worked through it as at the time I found out he tried to end his life the night before and was left with what we thought were long term health problems. We decided on counselling but the counseller put me off with her attitude that what he had done “wasn’t as bad as sex” and basically I should be thankful that my partner had had an emotional affair and concocted a persona to this other woman that he eventually met and shared a kiss. So the reason I’m telling you this is because I still have twangs of mistrust every now and then made worse by the fact that he pulls this stupid behaviour when he does go out. X

lifebegins50
Hi there, the children were staying with their Aunty for the weekend as he had arranged it beforehand. They usually stay at there aunties once every couple months at least since their mothers death in Spring. They are now 9 and 10, my one is 14. We are in a two bedroom house at present waiting to be rehoused by the local authority as finances are tight due to me being a full time student.

Of course the children come first, that’s a given. I also understand that there’s been a lot of stress to combat and new routines to put in place along with the stress of bereavement and grief for everyone.

So sorry to hear about everyone's situation. He's obviously going off the rails atm. His children will be grieving and unsettled too. But what about you and your child?
If his behaviour is allowed to continue it may become a permanent coping strategy, or even get worse. That's not helping any of you, especially his two children.
It sounds harsh, but I would nip it in the bud. Separate your families to address all the different issues until you are all healthier. Your child needs stability as do you. His children need stability and to grieve. Maybe they should be with their aunt on a more permanent basis if he is going on benders? Perhaps it would be beneficial for him to move out too. Sometimes problems as big as these need to be taken in small steps, and all of you together in such limited space can only make the situation worse. Stepping back now may lead to bridges being built in the future. Otherwise a pressure cooker situation may arise from which there is no return, and the children will suffer. All the best x

It sounds very difficult. How long have you been together? Do you love him? Do you love his children? They sound like they will need a lot of care and are you up to it?

I mean it sounds like the easiest thing for you is to split up, because otherwise we are talking about the difficulties of his behaviour and personality. And getting someone else to change is even harder than changing yourself.