It wasn’t as it seemed and I can’t move past it

[user17071]

My parents are nice people. They’re nice to me and my sibling and nice to their friends.

When I was a teenager I had anorexia. They didn’t help me and I dont think they knew how. They thought I was attention seeking. I wasn’t. I was a troubled anxious girl, I didnt not eat to be thin, I didn’t eat because I was so anxious and it was something I could control. I never weighed myself or cared how I looked, I just never ate. They weren’t there for me in my time of need and I keep having flashbacks to showing my mum my ribs and begging her for help and she just cooked some eggs calmly that morning, I had half of one and she sent me to school, never to mention it again.

I had horrible anxiety growing up and they didn’t help. They called me names and told me I was a horrible child to bring up, a devil child.

My first boyfriend took me for a massage and spa after my a level exams and my parents said I shouldn’t be doing that, I was extravegat and my bf was extravagant. I grew up not knowing how to be kind to myself or have self respect. I didn’t know what self care was (in fairness to my mum I don’t think she ever knew how to lover herself either).

I felt tremendous guilt for ever enjoying myself. I have no memories as a child of feeling free and happy and without troubles. Being happy was not ok, it may happen fleetingly if earned. That was how I perceived it.

Even now after a recent relationship ended my mum asked what I did wrong. It is never the mans fault, I’m still known in my family as that difficult child, even all these years later.

I have a good job, I’m independent and I have a relationship with my family. But under the surface I am so sad and angry and hurt by this. Nobody at work or any of my friends (to my knowledge of course!) see me how they did and I now know that it is a duty to enjoy life and make the most of it, not a sin.

I’m not sure why I am posting. I feel so sad sometimes. I am in therapy so I understand things better but I don’t think I will ever stop feeling so sad.

It’s funny how if you’re not completely looked after as a child that you battle with that for the rest of your life.

Didn’t want to leave your post unanswered but sounds like you’re a lovely person and hopefully the therapy is working.Doesnt sound like your parents have intentionally caused you damage but nonetheless they clearly seem to have.Surround yourself with positive people and get out there and enjoy life!x

Your parents are not nice people and they have not been nice to you. When you were incredibly low and vulnerable you didn't have their support, and you should have had their support - yes, they may have been out of their depth but they could have found help for you elsewhere. I'm glad you're in therapy - keep at it. The more you understand, the more the sadness will ebb away.

Hello OP
I just wanted to say, I know exactly how you feel. It’s as though you can’t believe they could be so flippant and dismissive of you and for it not to be your fault. I promise you Ive been there and it’s stayed with me my whole life.....up until I found an incredible therapist. Literally all it’s taken to help me heal is for my therapist to acknowledge me and to help me acknowledge my feelings. I’ve never had anorexia but there have been times when really stressed I can’t face eating. For me it’s never been about weight either. I’m slim but would love to pile on the pounds sometimes.
You’re feelings have been dismissed by the people who were supposed to hear you and see the value in you. If you need any advice let me know. I’m still very much me but I’m a far happier person who likes very much being me. X

That feeling that something was wrong with how your parents related to you? Trust it, and keep on trusting it. Sometimes abuse is defined through an absence, rather than a presence. Sometimes absence - of love, emotion, concern - can be devastating - and you coped with it in the way you knew how.

Keep going with the therapy. These things take time, but they are often worth the patience, effort, and sacrifice involved.