Help please... Christmas with a drug user

[Purpleboy]

Hi all, this is my first time posting. So apologies if this is a long one.

I’m in need of some advice.

I live with hubby and 2 girls 15 & 5. Our house is built onto the side of my parents house with an interconnecting door between the 2 houses. We are a very close family and regularly spend time “next door” with my parents.

Every year we all celebrate Xmas together next door, my family, parents, brother, sister and nephew. For the past 5 years we have been struggling with my brother who is a drug user, he has serious mental health issues Possibly bi polar or physcotic break, but we can’t get a diagnosis as he is on drugs. He thinks we are working with police feeding info to them. He is constantly accusing myself and parents of outrageous things that make no sense. Things got so bad last year my parents threw him out and he is now sleeping rough. He still comes by to eat, or wash his clothes bath etc...
He blames the whole family but mainly me for his situation.
He came over last week into my parents side myself and 5yo were in saying goodnight, as soon as he came through the door he started shouting and swearing in front of the little one, I quickly took her next door and away from the situation, but expectedly she was upset by it.
My mum expects us to be next door for Xmas and I don’t want to upset them by not being there my dad is 84 and we want to create these. Memories while we have a chance, but do I have to put myself and children in that situation? I also dont want to put my parents in a situation where they feel they have to choose between their children.

So devastated by this whole situation any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry about your brother. I think you need to put your own and your DCs’ safety first.

You don't exactly want those memories to be your db shouting and swearing.

I wouldn't attempt a full family do - go over when your DB's not there and home for the rest of it.

Stay away while he is there for some reason you being there may make things worse. Your family welfare comes first.

It's difficult being the sandwich generation, but my rule is that when the needs of your parents and your kids are seriously at odds, then the kids get priority.

My brother was an alcoholic (dead now), and I stopped spending Christmas with him and my lovely, lovely mum because I couldn’t handle my brother’s shitty behaviour any more.

It’s a crap situation to be in and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it. You’re fully justified in putting your kids and yourself first though. Addicts are unpleasant people to be around generally.

Refusethelies I'm really sorry to hear that, it's such a tough situation living with someone with an addiction. usually he is pretty good around the kids but it isn't the first time they have seen him shout, we avoid him as much as possible, usually as soon as he comes we go back to our house. I just really feel for my parents as they are stuck in the middle and don't deserve this. I know they will be devastated if we aren't with them. But my children are also in the middle and shouldn't be seeing this kind of behavior.

Thank you for your advice your all right, the kids must come first no matter what, just such a hard decision to make