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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've cheated on him

18 replies

Cosmicunicorn321 · 04/12/2018 18:03

Been with dp 7 years. 1 dd. Mortgage.
I've not been in love with him a whole. I'm not attracted to him and don't enjoy sex with him. I love him dearly but not in that way.
I had an infatuation with a married man at work. It was mutual. He kissed me passionately yesterday. I regret this a lot. I am in love with him but he is obviously using me. He has nothing to do with me outside of work in fear of being caught. He ignores my messages and doesn't meet up.
I know he will never leave his wife, I know that. But I'm heart broken.
I'm terrified and don't know what to do. Im Terrified of wrecking my family's lives and breaking dps heart. I'm terrified of making the moves to leave him and upsetting everyone.. I don't even know where to start.
I did a bad thing and I can't take it back.
I wish I never met the guy.

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 04/12/2018 18:07

You need to tell your partner what you’ve done so he can make an informed choice. It sounds like the relationship is dead in the water anyway. Make a clean break, don’t dishonour your partner by cheating.

DrMorbius · 04/12/2018 18:15

Is there a question in that ramble?

LondonCrone · 04/12/2018 18:18

You’ve been incredibly weak, both in terms of staying with a man you ‘don’t love’ and hooking up with a married man. You have one life. Is this how you want it to be? Is this how you want to be remembered? Come clean, deal with the fallout and grow. Weakness isn’t unforgivable. Turn it into strength.

SandyY2K · 04/12/2018 18:56

Maybe your DP is miserable too. Perhaps an amicable end is best for both of you.

Forget the man at work. He's not going to help your situation.

Orange6904 · 04/12/2018 19:01

Honest question, you love this man at work but you've never met up out of work? What do you love about him?

HereIgoagainxx · 04/12/2018 19:02

You don't have to tell your partner about the kiss. Jesus. You do need to work out if you want to remain in the marriage or not. This is a wake-up call. Maybe go for counselling so you are clear about what you want in your head.

category12 · 04/12/2018 19:06

What are you going to do to stop this going further with the OM? It sounds like the only reason it hasn't is that he won't meet you? Is that right?

I think "infatuation" is probably more on point than "love".

You need to stop getting cosy with OM: look for another job or transfer?

Then decide what you're going to do about your marriage. Is it genuinely that you've been unhappy or is it that your head's been turned behind the dissatisfaction. If you can be as honest with yourself as possible. If it is beyond salvage, then you need to end things as amicably as possible so you can co-parent well.

FestiveNut · 04/12/2018 19:10

Well, regardless of the man at work, you need to address the issues in your relationship. You need to be honest with your DP. Good luck.

BishBoshBashBop · 04/12/2018 19:12

You need to tell your DP you cheated on him. He should get a choice as to whether your relationship is over or not.

Notquiterichenough · 04/12/2018 19:16

I don't think you need to tell your DP. This is infatuation. Google limerance.

You need to go cold turkey, hard though it seems. Then think long and hard about whether you want your relationship with your DP to work.

Moominfan · 04/12/2018 19:23

I think infatuation distracts from your relationship. Your not sexually attracted to your partner. That's ok for some but is it ok for you? 5years from now your still together? That what you want? Separation isn't easy but pays off in the long run. If you want to stay you need to do the decent thing and tell your partner

m0vinf0rward · 04/12/2018 19:25

Let me guess...your DP is a great provider and good father, ie a safe bet? This is like a broken record on MN, women pair up with men they don't love or fancy and chase after 'bad boys'. You'll end up destroying both your DD and her fathers lives, have some self respect and decency and end your marriage BEFORE you start in with other men. Don't be one of the many, both male and female, that leave a path of destruction behind them.

UtterlyDesperate · 04/12/2018 19:26

You don't love the guy at work - you're in love with the idea of him.

Cut off all contact, and either sort out your marriage or start divorce proceedings.

Bombardier25966 · 04/12/2018 19:30

You've posted about this before haven't you OP? Several times...

Bombardier25966 · 04/12/2018 19:31

And you never take the advice offered.

Original poster
Cosmicunicorn321 · 04/12/2018 22:49

Ok I told him. He is crushed. He knows all the reasons why. He knows my feelings. We don't know if we are splitting or staying. A lot of decisions need to be made.
I messaged the om and told him to leave me alone. Said I won't let him use me.

Everything is out i the open and our lives hang in the balance. It's awful.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 04/12/2018 22:57

Normally I have nothing but contempt for people who behave this way and cheat. But ultimately you did the right thing. You cut contact and you told the truth. So that at least is redeeming. Maybe this means you can make it work and if not you'll both be free to pursue a happier relationship. I hope in the end everyone is happy.

tissuesosoft · 04/12/2018 23:00

I think as you’re not in love with your partner and don’t find him attractive, surely it would be better to separate? Does your partner know you aren’t in love with him?

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