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Relationships

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Original poster

building friendship foundation with an ex

18 replies

importgirl · 04/12/2018 16:57

First time poster here.
Ex and I dated for 18 months, dived straight into a relationship
Now we have broken up over several issues
Me (dishonesty - like posting on forums for relationship advice; he's not into that stuff. Drama - he didn't elaborate, negativity - me focusing on the end result/conclusion)
Him (emotional detachment - doesn't feel the need to be in a relationship, can be quite happy by himself, and gaming with best friend who lives with him - i felt like i had to compete for his attention to meet my needs)

we set a rule in place - that we are both not to pursue other people during our friendship building foundation.

that we will try to build a friendship foundation - because we weren't friends before going into a relationship

but our outcome of friendship building differs from one another.

I want this friendship building with the HOPE of getting back together

He wants a relationship with me BUT needs to see I have WORKED through the issues listed above. He doesn't feel to start a new relationship if he says those listed above STILL EXIST.

what is your take on this?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 04/12/2018 17:01

You want it more than he does, especially if you're hoping to get the relationship back together again. He's told you he doesn't feel the need to be in a relationship anyway, so he's just humouring you. It'll never work. You're clutching at straws. Sorry.

GallicosCats · 04/12/2018 17:02

I have two words of advice. Forget him.

ThunderInMyHeart · 04/12/2018 17:03

God, just why?

It won't work...it never does.
He sounds like a bore.
He doesn't care.
His complaints of you? Oh, fuck off, mate.

Bombardier25966 · 04/12/2018 17:06

What on earth is a friendship building foundation?

Original poster

importgirl · 04/12/2018 17:09

he said we didn't have any foundation built before going into a relationship. He wants to build a friendship with the potential of going into a new relationship with me

OP posts:

CryptoFascist · 04/12/2018 17:13

Sounds like he's leading you up the garden path to me. Plenty of couples weren't friends first - you get to build the friendship alongside the relationship. I think he's stringing you along for his own reasons, sex perhaps? A fallback option? You know him best, you know what's most likely.

richdeniro · 04/12/2018 17:13

This all sounds like hard work and not what love should be. You want him more than he wants you.

Any love you have to chase after is not worth having. Chasing after love is not love – it comes from a sense of lack. Love yourself first and foremost and the right guy will appear in your life. Love yourself to the extent that you don’t need anyone else – and you will draw the right person to you.

DPotter · 04/12/2018 17:14

This is far too much like hard work and you are wasting your time with this one.

Friendships should be fun and not forced. Never heard of a friendship foundation or friendship building. Lots of couples get together without ever being friends first; I know DP and I did. 40 years later - yes we're friends as well as lovers and partners.

Frankly he sounds way too controlling to bother with: how is posting on MN dishonest? Stealing is dishonest, lying about sleeping with someone else is dishonest. Posting for advice on an internet forum is asking for advice and as long as it's done anonymously is fine. If he disagrees with asking for advice - he's way out of line.

Leave the boys together with each other and their toys. Take yourself off and find a mature man who is interested in you because you are you.

Travisandthemonkey · 04/12/2018 18:50

Oh my fucking Christ he said that to you!!!??
You’re fucking mad to stay friends.
What he means by foundation, is to occasionally have sex with you why he diddles on his game with his bezzy mate.

Tell him to get to fuck and then fuck off some more.

Who the wholy fuck does he think he is.

You are worth more than this.

WaterBird · 04/12/2018 18:54

Please, please don't.

WaterBird · 04/12/2018 18:55

And posting on a forum is not an "issue." He shouldn't have a problem with you doing that.

bumbother · 04/12/2018 18:56

He sounds like a tedious twat. And you need to up your standards. A "friendship foundation"... jeez.

Travisandthemonkey · 04/12/2018 18:58

Friendship foundation is the most tedious thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m going to use it from now on in.

Original poster

importgirl · 04/12/2018 19:12

we made a rule that we are each not to talk to, date, pursue others whilst we work on building a friendship foundation. He realizes this is a risk for him not just me. He know's that with this rule in place he risks the potential of meeting others who meet his needs which he will not be able to do anything about because his focus is on building a friendship with me with the potential of getting back together.
Yes I want it more than he does but I i'm taking it for what it's worth that he is willing to try this and accept the risk of the rule in place.

We can build a friendship, he accepts the risk, we are friends for a year or what not and is still going nowhere. He doesn't know if the friendship foundation will work in OUR favor of being able to start over.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 04/12/2018 19:32

This sounds like too much hard work.

Friendship foundation indeed. Be friends if you want....but you aren't compatible.

our outcome of friendship building differs from one another

He wants a relationship with me BUT needs to see I have WORKED through the issues listed above.

Move on my dear. He's not the one for you.

maximumcarnage · 04/12/2018 19:57

This is utterly ridiculous. Rules and foundations and building bases or something and...this is a joke surely?

Here’s a suggestion. Shake him by the hand. Tell him it’s been nice to touch base and facilitate an ongoing connection. Then turn on your heels and walk. Keep walking.

Seriously forget this nonsense. Go out. Hit a club. Down a pint at a pub. See a movie. Just do what you enjoy. You see a guy you like? Go ask him out. Do whatever makes you happy. But forget this moronic nonsense. Good grief.

Iris27 · 05/12/2018 22:39

You dated for 18 months and now you're doing this?

It shouldn't be this hard this early on. Honestly it sounds like a last gasp no-hope attempt of fixing a long dead marriage.

It'll be hard but you need to move on. you're just postponing the inevitable.

LemonTT · 06/12/2018 07:53

Ok, let’s say this is a thing. You need to build a friendship. First up, that involves acceptance and engagement. No friendship has ever been built on the need to change somebody. It certainly cannot be built on a list of fault finding and blame. Your goals aren’t even positive and some would be impossible to measure. At least two are about your individual perceptions of each other.

If you want to do this you need to establish positive goals to work towards. Ones that are within in your gift. So for example, the fact you think he spends too much time with his friend or own his own isn’t really something he can control. You could ask him to spend more time with you but you must define what that is.

But again it seems neither of you accept the blame points. If you did then the fact that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship should tell you that this is a lost cause.

What you have is a list of blame for why you fell out. Which by the sounds of it you and he are still arguing about.

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