MIL & Boundaries

[gonzo77]

This may be long but I don't want to drip feed.

PIL are genuinely lovely. They do an awful lot for us. Always willing to lend a hand if needed, and I am very grateful for everything that they do.

For context. They go to our house on the days that we work for around two hours to let the dogs out and have a play with them because we can't afford a dog walker. They are also staying at ours when we have our honeymoon to look after the dogs.

They took me to hospital when I was very ill with meningitis.

They visit when we have DSS so they get to see him.

We often talk/have a cuppa randomly too.

All fantastic, couldn't wish for better. However, there are some things that I feel are difficult for me to express in a diplomatic way.

It is expected of me to go to them every other weekend for Sunday lunch whilst my husband is working. Whilst this is a lovely gesture, sometimes I want to clean the house or get the washing done, or take the dogs out for a blast, etc. If I say I can't go for xy or z reason I am made to feel guilty for not wanting to go.

MIL also complains about my husbands ex a lot, and tries to involve me in the conversation even though I have made it clear that I don't know her so feel it is not my place to comment and it is for my husband to deal with any issues that arise.

They pass comment on our finances, how much my husband is spending, whether we are saving, etc. For context on that my husband has historically had money problems due to his ex. We have separate finances but equally contribute to the bills. We then spend the remainder of our earnings, or save as we see fit. My husband has been working 60-72 hour weeks for the last six months due to staff shortage so is earning significantly more than usual so has haf the extra. Whilst I have explained this, as has he on several occasions, his Mum continues wity her comments on items purchased and other costs. I appreciate she has concerns that he will get in the same position, but she had to learn to trust him (he is 44) as the money issue is over 14 years ago now. She also controlled his savings until recently when FIL told her she needs to stop in case she dies and my husband could not get at the money.

So. My question is what stock responses can I use to shut the conversation down quickly and effectively without damaging an otherwise good relationship with my MIL.

I should point out that my husband has already had words, and has told me they went no contact for a number of months a few years ago. I'd really prefer to avoid that because I don't think her intentions are malicious.

Blimey-you need to stop going there every other week without your DH. Just say you’re really busy. They sound very over involved.

I agree Holiday. It's just how to decline without offending.

My children are grown up, so no excuses of sick kids! I suppose I could just say I need to get ready for Christmas. They know the hours I work and that time is limited, so hopefully that might let me back off and stay that way!

Well firstly I would say use some of that spare cash to pay for a dog walker. You say they do it for you because you can’t afford it, but it sounds like you could with all those extra hours. And then just put your foot down and politely say you are busy at the weekend and will see them another time.

I think the reason I never end up in these situations is that I really don’t care if people try to make me feel guilty .

I would say that you can’t commit to every other week, but I’d love to come one Sunday in January etc. Or be ill for one and then meeting friends for another and have car problems -to break the habit. The when they try to rearrange-suggest a date that suits you, but not in a routine.

Does your DH work every Sunday or every other?

You need a friend who needs you atm!!

Just say that you can't make the next couple of weekend occasions and then don't restart the arrangement in the new year. If you feel you need an excuse say you've joined a book group or some such. Agree on paying for a dog walker with DH's overtime. The ILs are much too involved in your domestic life which gives MIL the excuse to overstep boundaries.

gonzo

Your ILs are really not as nice as you think they are; they think you are a soft touch and your boundaries to date have been far too low. You really do not have to feel so obligated that you end up going over to theirs weekly.

Note what your DH said about them as well:-
"I should point out that my husband has already had words, and has told me they went no contact for a number of months a few years ago. I'd really prefer to avoid that because I don't think her intentions are malicious."

And you do not think her intentions are malicious eh?. Hmm. Why has she ever had control of her son's money till recently?. She in particular has been far too involved in her son's life and probably still thinks of him (and by extension you) as being incapable.

Did you ask for such help outright or did they offer?. People like his mother do favours purely so they look good, they keep an eye on you and therefore you become obligated to them. The downside to this is they then think you owe them hugely. Also they are his parents, not yours. He knows them far more than you do. The words, "that does not work for me" is a phrase you could try on them.

Do also get a dog walke and put the dogs in kennels when you go on honeymoon. I would not want these people in my home nosing around particularly given how she has controlled her son's access to cash.

Attila all worthy points. I have boundary issues with my own mother so know I can have issues in that area.

Husbands work hours will drop in January, so we probably won't need any help truthfully in the new year with the dogs thinking about it.

Trouble is my husband asks for their help, but it is me that ends up getting questions.

You're right 'that doesn't work for me' is clear, concise and not rude.

I think she forgets I'm not his ex, that I also work, and earn money (his ex quit work weeks after he moved in and never returned to work). She can't use it as a stick to beat me with though because she knows I have a different work ethic.