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Original poster

Going back to his ex

32 replies

Sunshineandflipflops · 04/12/2018 09:58

Hi, so I separated from my husband almost a year ago (he was having an affair). Gave OLD a go after 5 months, had a couple of dates, was seeing someone for 2 months until he decided the "spark" had gone for him, started dating someone else 5/6 weeks ago, due to go out for dinner tonight and he texts me this morning to tell me his ex wife wants to give things another go and he feels he owes it to his children to do so.

He's been honest and he's been respectful and I knew that dating a man with 3 kids (one 18 months old) who had only been separated a couple of months wasn't the best idea in the world but I just took it for what it was. Still feel disappointed after his text though as we did get on well and it was nice to spend some of my child free evenings with someone.

He has said he'd still like to meet me tonight for a drink and a chat. I wasn't sure but actually it would be nice not to have our last conversation over text so I've agreed. We're meeting at a pub so there won't be anything more than chatting going on. I'm not good with break-ups or rejection (who is!) so any tips for tonight would be good. I do like the guy and i don't usually do the staying friends with ex's thing but it has been less than 6 weeks and he hasn't done anything wrong really so I'd like to give it a go.

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 04/12/2018 10:04

If you must go, I'd keep it short and sweet. He is going back to his wife and three very young children. It was never going to work between you , with that much baggage. If he is genuine about having another go, having drinks with someone else isn't the best way for him to start. Have a short drink and say goodbye.

MMmomDD · 04/12/2018 10:06

Look - he seems like a nice and normal guy...
Dating someone with three little children, who recently separated would have always been challenging, so maybe it’s not a bad thing....
If you go tonight - just think of that as if you were meeting a friend. Go with that.

In the end of the day - who knows if it lasts with his ex..... It must have taken a lot of unhappiness to breakup for them - specially with the younger child so tiny.
So - chances of them working it out aren’t great.
But at least it shows he is a decent person.

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 04/12/2018 10:08

Thanks @Birdie6. I'm not sure I would use the term 'baggage' as I'm unlikely at 40 to meet many men without an ex or children and I don't see my children as baggage either. I guess it was more the amount of time he'd been separated that I should have listened to the warning bells from a little more.

Yes, I intend to have one drink, wish him well (which I do) and leave. His ex wife does know about me so there are no secrets there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 04/12/2018 10:11

@MMmomDD Thank you. I have a feeling it won't work out in the long run but I get that he feels he needs to give it another go. There was no affair or anything like there was with me and my ex so I if it stops him having the 'what if' guilt further down the line then this is something he needs to do.
I think the brain plays funny trick on you after a break up and he says his ex wife has said that time apart has given her time to think. Time (and loneliness) will do that but they will also give you rose coloured glasses very easily.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 04/12/2018 10:13

What is your question?
Are you supposed to feel bad or hard done by maybe?
Or are you seeking advice? Confused

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 04/12/2018 10:18

I don't really have a question and no, I don't feel hard done by. Bad...? maybe a little for myself bit nothing I won't get over.
I guess I just wanted to get this out as I'm sitting at work on my own after receiving his text, which took me a little by surprise and wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation. I was with my ex husband for 20 years so the dating game is all pretty new to me still I guess.

OP posts:
userxx · 04/12/2018 11:45

Why the face Monty?

To be honest he shouldn't really have been on OLD after such a short space of time since splitting with his ex. I did the same thing, knew it wasn't the best idea and 3 months down the line it ended. Go and meet him for a quick drink if you must, I'm not sure I would bother to be honest. Also, if his ex knows about you then this might have jolted her into wanting him back. Nothing like competition!!

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 04/12/2018 11:57

@userxx Yes, my thoughts too about his ex knowing about me. Whatever the reason though, nothing I can do about it but wish him all the best. I said I wasn't sure about the drink to start with but it sounds like he wants to see me face to face, which I respect. He was going to talk to me about this later but thought it wouldn't be right over dinner, which I have to agree with.
I have said no to the comedy gig we were going to go to together later this week though. He still wanted to go together, I guess as friends but I don't think that's right or fair on me or his wife.

OP posts:
FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 04/12/2018 12:34

He’s trying to set you up as the OW. Given that he’s reconciling with his wife but still asking his short term date on dates.

Poster65 · 04/12/2018 12:37

YUUUUUUP ^cant agree more when I read this

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 04/12/2018 12:38

Perhaps but I really don't think he's like that and that would be very risky on his part, considering his wife knows about me already.
I won't be anyone's OW having been on the other side of that triangle.
I genuinely think he just doesn't want to end things over text and that be our last contact. I have a habit for wanting to see the good in people though, which is probably why I'm in the position I'm in!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 05/12/2018 11:45

Well I met him for a drink last night. We stayed for 3 hours and it was lovely. Had a really good chat and without any pressures of a date it was the nicest evening I've spent with him.
I'm still not sure he is giving his marriage another go for the right reasons but I wished him luck.
Feeling pretty flat today and although I'm glad I went, I like him even more now :(

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 05/12/2018 11:49

Look - no one knows how life turns out.
Just keep living yours.

Adora10 · 05/12/2018 12:01

Sorry don't really understand why you met him if he's back with his ex and not surprised you feel even worse today, also, don't believe what he told you about getting back with her, he's getting back with her because he wants to, it's that simple.

Life can suck sometimes, hopefully you will meet someone with less baggage.

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 05/12/2018 12:06

He had decided to give it another go but we were due to meet anyway so he wanted to still see me so that our last conversation wasn't via text. She knew he was meeting me so we weren't sneaking around and it was purely platonic. They aren't moving back in together until/unless they know it's working and I know this is the decision he's made for whatever reason and I respect that and won't be contacting him again.
I will get over it, just feeling sorry for myself with my general lack of luck in the love department this year!

OP posts:
LifesABeachCoaster · 05/12/2018 12:08

He’s trying to set you up as the OW. Given that he’s reconciling with his wife but still asking his short term date on dates

This

You will probably get a text soon saying "I had such a wonderful time with you last night, I'm not happy with my wife but I have to stay with her for the children's sake. If only there was a way I could be there for them and still have you in my life"

HTH

userxx · 05/12/2018 12:09

OP, staying 3 hours wasn't the best idea. You are in danger of being lined up as a friend here and also of being an option if the reconciliation doesn't go well.

Do not be his friend!!!

Cawfee · 05/12/2018 12:24

Is it just me but why are people these days at it with OLD so soon after separating? He has 3 kids, one only 18 months old and was online scouting after only being away from his wife after 8 weeks! 8 weeks! For God’s sakes. What is with everyone! When he’s been separated and gone without for at least 6 months then maybe. He’s only lived on his own and had to look after himself for a few weeks. He’s probably only had to do his own washing a few times!! Don’t pick these guys. They aren’t a good bet and they aren’t exactly trustworthy or self reliant if they can’t be on their own for longer than 5 minutes!! Have more self respect!

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 05/12/2018 12:36

Cawfee not everyone uses OLD to find a serious relationship. Some people use it just to have fun. I used it when I moved to a new city after a very fresh breakup to meet new people, have someone to explore the city with and show me around, to just spread my wings a bit and get used to being single again and knowing I was free to do what I liked when I liked.

As long as everyone is honest then fair play. This guy didn’t lie to OP, she knew his situation and went for it anyway. She chose to take that risk.

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 05/12/2018 12:43

As long as everyone is honest then fair play. This guy didn’t lie to OP, she knew his situation and went for it anyway. She chose to take that risk.

Yes, I did know before I met up with him and I went ahead anyway so my own fault. Lesson learned. My self-respect is just fine though.

OP posts:
ferando81 · 05/12/2018 12:48

Did his ex know he was meeting with you?I doubt it .I would tread very carefully .He wants to have his cake and eat it

DrinkingTeaLikeTonyBenn · 05/12/2018 12:50

You're best off giving this chap a swerve OP platonic or not. If things don't work out with his wife you'll be branded the OW even if you're just mates, and with the youngest being so very young that's an awful lots of years of potential crap being thrown at you. It's still relatively early days for you to find someone, both my DH and I were around a year out of our respective long term relationships and we met each other when neither of us was looking. Good luck Smile

Original poster
Sunshineandflipflops · 05/12/2018 12:55

Thank you, and yes, his wife did know we were meeting.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 05/12/2018 12:56

So the ex who he is about to get back with knew he met you, nah seriously doubt that OP, honestly, he sounds a right chancer.

Adora10 · 05/12/2018 12:58

Because he told you that?

Just like he told you he was never really ready for a relationship as he was basically just on a break from the wife.

You have swerved a lot of drama, 3 kids is bad enough.

He's trying to keep you on the back burner in case it goes tits up with the ex, I am sure you can do a lot better than being some guy's fall back.