I'm broken.

[whytom]

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my second child. My first born will be 12 months old when the new baby is born and the pressure of being super mum is coming down hard.

I feel as though I'm falling lower and lower and struggling to tell people I'm not ok. Because thats admitting failure?
I feel as though I'm not cut out for this life I longed for, I don't want to come across selfish or ungrateful because I love my son and will undoubtedly love my new baby when he arrives, but I can't help but feel I'm not good enough.

I have a partner who works but doesn't live with myself or my son as I am in emergency temporary accommodation supplied by the council. He stays 3 days a week but still pays just over £500 a month rent to his mum (who he lives with) I have credit cards to pay, what with returning to work from maternity leave.I get no help in regards to benefits so have to pay full rent, full council tax. I have my car finance, car insurance, electric, gas, petrol, tv licence... etc... the list goes on. I only work 20hrs a week and have such a financial strain.

My partner helps pay towards some things like food, petrol and whatever he can to help and without him I wouldn't be able to feed myself or my son.

2 weeks ago I found gay porn all over his phone history with websites he had been on. I dismissed it and said nothing in person, but it was eating me up inside so I text him when he was at work asking about it. He said I was stupid for even considering that and that he was watching usual porn and the websites and video history were "pop ups" so I left it at that and never mentioned it.
until tonight I came to bed later that he did so he was asleep already. my phone battery had died so I used his phone for the torch and see he had photos sent to him on WhatsApp from someone called Bernard.
I proceeded to open the chat and there was no previous conversation just 3 pictures. Nothing majorly incriminating but the first was a picture of Santa and a child saying "what do you want for Christmas tommy" and the child replying a brother. And then a picture of Santa having sex with his dad. The second was a picture of 7 naked Santa's with the script all I want for Christmas is you. And the third was just a random video of an oap on a mobility scooter driving faster than a car.
Now I don't know who this person is and I've never heard my partner talk about him before. if he were a work friend I would know.

Am I being paranoid or am I right to be paranoid. I have lost any type of sex drive this pregnancy and very rarely want to participate in any type of intimacy. We go weeks and weeks sometimes but whenever we do it seems as though recently he's had an attraction to my other exit(without going into much detail) I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this in person, and I don't know what to do or how to react.
HELP

Confront him about this, if you think that your relationship is in danger then you should try to fix it. Also, pop-ups like that aren't a thing. He was 100% watching the videos you found.

@Eatmeoutdaddy that's exactly what I thought but I could see he was getting defensive about it and making out as if I was stupid for even thinking he was watching gay porn... and some would say so what porn is porn, and if he were to be watching something else Would I be ok with it... and the answer is yes, I don't care is he watches any other porn but it's just that it's gay porn, is this wrong for me to discriminate what porn he watches?

He may just have some strange fetishes, idk. I'm not a counselor, i'm just an idiot on the internet. Still, I would recommend confronting him about it.

On another note, it could be some random guy messaging him, it happens. This could all just be a coincidence.

@Eatmeoutdaddy haha me too! That's why I'm here at 2:10am asking the internet for advice lol. I like to think I'm a counsellor sometimes but only to make my own life feel a little bit better. I'll try and bring it up tomorrow, he will know I've been on his phone anyway because he will have seen the message open.

Don't get me wrong I don't usually snoop, but I had never heard of the guy before. I went on my partners Instagram Facebook, you name it and searched for a Bernard and no match came up. It's just a bit suspicious and I'm just super paranoid that my boyfriend is gay 🤦🏻‍♀️

The first step to fixing any broken relationship is acknowledging that it's broken. I believe that you can work all this out. Good luck, though I hope you don't need it.

Yea, with that info, I would guess it's just a random guy, but you are right for being paranoid. My wife would be too if I was getting messages like that, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Also, god, my messages are out of order.

whytom.... the facts that you’ve laid out are that he’s watching gay porn, more interested in your back door than previously and is being sent messages of a sexual nature from men you don’t know.

You need to discuss this with him seriously. Trust your gut.

If your posting this you already know the answer

To: why Tom. , I don't think eatmeoutdaddy is giving you great advice,

Its not a randomer... for a name to appear on whatsapp it has to be in his contacts which he would have added. Otherwise it appears as a number with no name.
Seems to me like hes deleted previous messages with this person and these are most recent which he probs recieved before bed so forgot to delete. Sorry OP.. its going to be a tough conversation but its got to happen. Also, pop ups dont appear in internet history because you havent visited the site.

I know you financially need his help, but no straight man ever looked at gay porn. I'm a divorced 3 times woman with 3 kids. Trust your instincts

he has to know who it is as the name appears if its in his contacts.
straight men never look at gay porn in my opinion.he could be bi of course.
I think there is some really big red flags here.but taking one at a time who knows they could be sorted and make you stronger.but it appears you keep being niggle by doubts that keep happening with him.
because also with your emotional stae being what it is you should be able to rely on your partner to help you out.lidft you up some.and you seem to feel or be alone with this.
what makes you think you a failure.
bloody money hun!so many of us are in constant waking up with that rock in your gut over money.its nothing on you most of the time either just the world we are currenly in and how hard it is sometimes and then mistaken or choices are made that land us in the shit.but it can be fixavble but does take time and some effort.getting help from him or somene will ease this.
but you must open up to somene.this will I am telling you now get worse if you don't put things in place or get some reassurance that its ok and ur ok.because your not alone nor should you be.
and I bet you are not a failure.yes I don't know you or how you treat your dc but the fact your so worried on how you doing to me means you have so much care and love in you. don't doubt yourself.be the best mum.show love and care and all the attention you can to both you dcs and yourself and that all you can ever do.they might not even see it or appreciate it sometimes.but one day,like most of us when we have amazing parents we suddenly look at them and go "wow you did bloody good for me mum"
don't wake up thinking your wrong every morning.wake up and think "shit im trying my best here .how can I make tody great." because it can be.the little bits can be.make changes to what you can but enjoy every blessing you get.your precious hun and so is ur little unit.
think through the dp.come to the conclusion you need to but don't let it domino onto who you are as a person.all you can be is ur ver best self

Kateandme , that's well deep. Us mums get more insightful the more glasses of wine we drink! Ha ha