Why am I so upset at this news?

[GremlinDolphin1]

In the middle of getting divorced from emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive h after a long marriage, I finally plucked up the courage to instigate divorce after relationship counselling which was an awful experience.

This evening I have inadvertently (not snooping) seen a message conversation with another family member that h has had sex with someone else at the weekend.

It has upset me so much and I can’t stop crying. It’s all such a mess.

Look, you don't want him. You've kicked him to the kerb. You're well rid. Just be grateful that someone else is taking on that burden. You're probably sad for "what might have been".

The only way forward is for you to regard this discovery as proof that you came to the right decision when you instigated divorce. It's understandable that you're upset, but the tears will soon be part of your past.

I think it is a case of missing what you thought your marriage should be, not having let go emotionally although you have rationally, and being knocked for six that he can appear to act so callously. But you knew he was a shit, otherwise your marriage would have worked, so have a good cry, get a good night’s sleep and face tomorrow as a new day

He can be her problem now. Take a deep breath, give your head a wobble, and move on. He's nothing but shit. Save your tears for something that matters.

You are getting divorced. You are both free to do as you please now.

I went through similar, OP. The abuse and then the moving on of the abusive ex. I also was sad. It's because I am looking at it with my own way of thinking and seeing things. I was true, why wasn't he? I know the whole thing was bad for me anyways, but like others have said, it's a matter of being sad over what might have been. You seem kind-hearted and had hopes for you both, despite the pain. But, you must move past it and realize you're rid of something that was only negative and unhappy.

My ex is with some younger woman now. She is quite clueless. She thinks she found a goldmine of a guy. She doesn't know what I know. Just like your ex's new partner doesn't know what you know. Let them figure it out. Let's focus on healing ourselves.

I can relate OP.
I'm divorcing my alcoholic, abusive (emotionally, financially and occasionally financially) H.

We are still living together, it will be a long long time until I am ready to let anyone near me (I can't imagine it being ever at the moment, but perhaps, in time, I'll rebuild myself enough), yet he is on dating sites and I fully expect him to be shacked up with someone else within 3 months.

It feels like they don't even have enough respect or self awareness to just take a little look at themselves and see whether they perhaps have some responsibility for this, isn't it? It's another kick in the teeth, another reminder of what they've taken from us and while we have to grieve for the future we thought we had - well they are moving on so quickly it's like they've lost nothing.

But as PPs have said, take this as another sign you are doing the right thing. You will come back from this, a better, stronger, more insightful person. You will grow from this.... Meanwhile our exes will be doing the same they've always done, they'll never change. Just feel sorry for the next woman who falls for my H, and hope she sees through him quicker than I did

I’m in a similar position & a lot of my friends have given me advice similar to on this thread I.e. he doesn’t deserve your tears.

However, I think it’s perfectly understandable to be sad & mourning the loss of your marriage whether you’re well rid or not. That person was a massive part of your life & future so it’s totally understandable for it to take time to come to terms with such a big loss.

Take care OP.

I've no experience in this but, off the bat, I'm not surprised you feel this way. It's just more crap you've been handed about him.

You know you are doing the right thing, you're in middle of the storm right now but there will come a time, that you look back, and thank the heavens that he's gone, you will be so much happier and lighter from not being tensed up around him.

You will be happy.

You only get one life op, you deserve so much more than him. There are sunny days ahead.

Good luck to you 💐💐💐

Tiddlypops explains it well. I went through this too. While my alcoholic abusive ex was on bail (the conditions of which he was still breaking to try to manipulate me to drop charges against him) he was also meeting and dating (and probably fxxking) at least 2 other women. One of which he told me about in the hopes of hurting me so much id take him back.
It did hurt so much, but i didnt take him back. Now im out the other side i can see why.
I was struggling so much to stay strong. I was battered, bruised, damaged, mentally traumatised. His consistent verbal and emotional abuse (and then physical abuse) had all but destroyed me. It was a good day if i got up and managed to get dressed and i couldnt imagine it ever getting better. It was his final insult to injury that he was swanning around like nothing had happened enjoying dates and women etc. I couldnt even look in the mirror.
Im 18 months post break up and am a different person. Im mentally stronger after trauma therapy. Im back at work and have poured my heart into my job so am now on the cusp of promotion and i look better than i have in years (after loosing a shed load of weight and buying a whole new wardrobe of clothes)
If this me met him now for the first time i wouldnt even look twice at him. Im starting to date again but thanks to his abuse leaving me no choice but to complete some long needed therapy, im now completely sure of what im looking for in a man, the kind of relationship i deserve and i will never ever settle for less than that again. I couldnt love someone like him now. God i was bessotted with him, because he conditioned me to feel that way. Now i would cross the street to avoid a man like him. While, on the other hand he is the same old fxxked up abusive alcoholic he always was. He hasnt changed and therefor he will continue to bed hop until he finds someone ignorant and vulnerable enough to fall for his charms. His relationships will always be toxic, volatile and unhealthy because that is all he is capable of.
Men like our exs are parasites they abuse to help them accept their own shitty issues and insecurities and in time hun you will be so glad it is no longer you that has to be the butt of that.
I wouldnt be suprised if he told your relative that in the hopes you find out and he can use it as a way to make you see what he thinks youre loosing.
I know your heart is broken but its not for him. Its for the man you loved. The man you wanted him to be, not actually the man he is. In time you will be able to see that.
Abusive relationships destroy your perception of normal and abnormal. Your radar will be completely skewed and you will feel dependency on him, he has made you feel like that. His abuse has distorted everything you think and feel but please believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and when you get there its bright and beautiful.
Focus on the divorce, your exit and escape plan. Dont give up now. I would also strongly advise counselling. Womens aid can offer specialised therapy to help you work through the confusion and shit he has put in your head.

Thank you all for your wise and beautifully written responses.

As you identify, I am not emotionally detached at all and am kind of grieving for what I had or rather what I thought (and convinvced myself) I had and wanted. I’m sorry that so many of us have to go through this. Xxx

Everything you are going fhrough is normal. Break ups are hard, we all know they hurt. But when you mix that with the break up of an abusive relationship, well its so confusing and a whole lot harder.
I used to ask myself why me. But why not me. If im honest what i experienced and felt was the hardest thing i have ever had to recover from, but at the same time it made me so much stronger, actual real strength.
I look back now as though it was one of the most difficult but rewarding times in my life. Its given me a completely new out look on my life and a special kind of self awareness. I actually like myself now. Ive learned my own worth from being treated so poorly.
Take strength from everything you have had the courage to achieve so far and be kind to yourself knowing when that fresh new safe and happy life comes you will be able to embrace it, your battle scars will never go but you will admire them with pride. And as i said dont be afraid to ask for professional help, it helped me recognise what had happened and how i could heal from it.