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Original poster

Child custody

7 replies

canary19 · 03/12/2018 18:12

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice and hopefully reassurance. I'm splitting from my husband and we are living together until the summer so as to make it easier for my 6yr daughter as she has difficulty with change/memory/mild special needs. I thought the summer holidays would be better for her to move and deal with all the change. I would like 50/50 shared parenting as from my own childhood (I'd love her full time in my heart but I know what you miss out on not having a dad around and wouldn't put her through that- but wanted her to sleep at mine for 4 nights ( on school days ) to help her with consistency (she gets upset if she forgets if she has a afterschool club etc) He is welcome to pick her up from school, have her at hers for tea but drop her of at night so she sleeps in the same place during the school week. Here's the problem though - my husband doesnt think this is fair and wants her one night at his and one at mine etc. He also says if she stays anywhere it should be at his. Over the past few seven years he has worked off and on, mainly part time - always from home. Although we agreed when we got together/went through IVF that he would work and I'd be an at home mum as I teach and didn't earn anywhere near his income, besides I'd always wanted to be a full time mum. He refused to find work etc even when the morgage was in arrears and we had big debts so I went back to work while he got a nanny in to help him. He is now saying that as he has been at home with her and his work is more flexible that he should have her. I've tried so hard to be fair and this is driving me crazy at the thought of not seeing her. I've gone through all of her therapy with her, which was 3 x daily at one point and we are so close - he once said that if he had to look after her full time "a part of him would die", when I would give everything to be there for her rather than work. He is now also acting like this really interested father, suddenly interested in taking her out at weekends (when in the past I've had to practically beg him to join us)buying her everything she asks, saying 'mean mummy' when I ask her to say she has had enough sweets and making comments to make me sound bad such as parents who leave the daddy in front of her. It's all getting a bit overwhelming and I'm wondering if it gets easier or what to do - feel a bit lost at the moment xx

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 04/12/2018 00:41

This sounds very tough OP. Have you considered mediation? What does your solicitor say? A court would consider the best interests of the child above anything.

swingofthings · 04/12/2018 05:49

Sounds like it's all a out money and claiming benefits/maintenance rather than what's best for your DD.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 04/12/2018 06:05

OP, unfortunately he is paving the way so that he benefits financially from her. My ex did this.
I got social workers involved from an early stage to protect my DSs interests. I am overseas, so I am not sure if you want to go down this route in the UK, but it is worth talking to someone before you start racking up lawyers fees.
Beware ex reducing his income etc. He is getting his ducks in a row and you need to look at divorce threads and prepare yourself.
He has had 6 months notice and will take advantage of you focusing on your child. To be honest, I would move out after Christmas and get your Dd established in the routine you want before you start divorcing. You stbxh is not going to be reasonable or make it easy for you.

m0vinf0rward · 04/12/2018 06:42

Imagine the pain you feel for potentially not seeing your DD...it's the same for him. Just because you want her with you doesn't mean he doesn't feel and want the same thing. There is no easy way through this but try and keep emotions out if it and try and remain civil, as it makes things so so much easier further down the road. My EXW and I have a routine of a kind, every other weekend and 2 nights during the week. Were friendly enough to be flexible for each other and any changes (such as a work trip) are agreed well in advance. If you're incapable of coming to an agreement between yourselves then mediation or court will be the outcome and that benefits no one. I guess what I m trying to say is have a little empathy for each other and do not make it all about what YOU want.

mumto2babyboys · 04/12/2018 07:02

Offer to split the weeks so that you have her 3days one week then 4 days the next then 3days then 4 days

Alternate holidays

Original poster
canary19 · 09/12/2018 13:01

CurlyWurlyTwirly thanks, yes I think you maybe right - even if not for financial gain, it seems it may be for custody. He said this weekend if he is at home then she is better placed with him as he can take her to school etc. It seems so unfair as I only went back to work as he stopped and without my salary we would have lost the house etc. You mentioned about leaving before I divorce - can I just do that; leave with my daughter and rent somewhere? Could he say I was taking her? How do other women do it? x

OP posts:
Original poster
canary19 · 09/12/2018 13:44

m0vinf0rward thanks for your reply - your routine sounds fair to both - you mentioned the two nights in the week and then alternative weekends, does that mean that mean your children stay overnight equal number of times at yours and your exhusband? x

OP posts:
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