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Relationships

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Original poster

Lingerie pics found on his phone

21 replies

charlie1511 · 03/12/2018 09:00

Ok, I snooped on my boyfriends phone. I shouldn't have, yes, but I have done every now and then for the entirety of our 8 year relationship. I have often found red flags but never anything like concrete evidence of anything so I have just put it to one side. The latest thing is I found 3 pictures of the same girl in her underwear sent within the last month. No chat records though. He is a model boyfriend, and I love him to bits but he is very meticulous and he just wouldn't mess up and do something that would let me catch him.

So now I dont know what to do, it isnt hard evidence so do I just let it go? Do I keep looking and driving myself crazy until I have hard evidence? Or do I confront him and he will lose it because I have swore so many times I wouldnt snoop again. In the past friends have sent him pics and that of their girlfriends so it could be that again but I just dont know. I dont want to snoop but I also dont want to be wasting my time with someone who isnt faithful.

OP posts:

Dorabean · 03/12/2018 09:03

You clearly don't trust him and never have or you wouldn't have been looking at his phone for 8 years!I don't have much advice as I've never been in this situation but surely it isn't healthy to be driving yourself crazy all the time over his fidelity? He can't be a model boyfriend if this is an issue

offside · 03/12/2018 09:06

Well his friends sound a treat - sending pics of their girlfriends - do their girlfriends know? Has he sent pics of you to his mates? And are you sure that’s who they were or was it a lie to cover up who they were really from?

Dorabean · 03/12/2018 09:08

Agreed @offside - wouldn't be happy if my boyfriend was sending pictures of me to his friends. Who actually does that?!?

RatRolyPoly · 03/12/2018 09:14

Three pictures of the same woman in her underwear isn't "hard evidence"??

Bloody hell, it couldn't be harder in my book. A mate might send ONE picture, and I agree with the others that that's horrible, but they ain't sending three.

Honestly what evidence are you waiting for? I mean I suppose it depends what you're looking for evidence of, but if it's evidence of him having pictures of other women in their underwear on his phone, well you've got it! Isn't that bad enough??

Original poster

charlie1511 · 03/12/2018 09:15

Yep horrible friend! My boyfriend has never asked for or taken pics of me like that so he definitely hasn't shared any. And he is a very different person than this friend, they are poles apart

OP posts:

Josuk · 03/12/2018 09:24

Pictures like that are easy to explain away....
However - you don’t need a reason to leave if you aren’t happy....

How is the relationship going otherwise? Are you happy with him?
Is there a plan for a future? For a more committed relationship? Kids? Etc

SexNotJenga · 03/12/2018 09:29

often found red flags but never anything concrete

Exactly what evidence would you need? A selfie of him hanging out the back of another woman while reading a recent-dated newspaper?

On the other hand, if I was him, I would have taken your snooping through my phone as a massive red flag and dumped you years ago, so I guess I'm on the fence here.

Original poster

charlie1511 · 03/12/2018 09:50

We are really happy @josuk definitely planning for the future, looking to buy a house together etc. I just cant believe that he is doing anything wrong. He's always been very black and white about cheating and he doesnt give me any reason to suspect him of anything. Its only because I looked.
I feel awful for doing it but I've been cheated on before and its always stuck with me, I just want the reassurance that there isnt anything but then this time I found that

OP posts:

Josuk · 03/12/2018 10:00

OP - if you relationship is fife otherwise, just stop looking through his phone and making yourself wonder...
Instead - i’d be thinking about the future.
You’ve been together for 8 years....
And if after this time there isn’t a plan to get married - before all the other steps - i’d be questioning why we were together...

Way too many people on this board date for years, thinking they are in committed relationship - only to post later - DP has left, what do I do...

Dirtybadger · 03/12/2018 10:04

You have said yourself if he did anything he would never be caught. You need to stop looking if you want to stay together, because if he finds out you've continued looking for the last 8 years I assume he won't be very happy.

The pictures- it's not clear if he sent them or received them? Who were they to or from? I would think they could be from a cam girl or something where you can pay to receive pictures. I know they do that via email, I imagine via message these days too. That's probably the better scenario. The other option is that someone he knows or has got to know over the internet in real life is sending them (which IMO is cheating but that's up to you).

If he is sending the pictures then it seems more likely it could be something like pictures he has found he is sending on to a friend or something because he is weird

Emma765 · 03/12/2018 10:16

Saying you're happy and planning a future etc is totally at odds with your behaviour. Stop snooping and putting it at risk if you genuinely are happy, or face up to the truth if you're not, and have reason to suspect he's been unfaithful.

RatRolyPoly · 03/12/2018 10:46

Stop snooping and putting it at risk if you genuinely are happy

Who would be "happy" with their boyfriend having several pictures of another woman in her underwear on his phone??

RatRolyPoly · 03/12/2018 10:49

I think you're right Emma and some facing up to the truth needs to be done here. It might not be all that bad, but OP you can't keep turning a blind eye to your own negative feelings; whether they're the feelings that make you snoop in the first place or the feelings you get based on what you've found. You have those feelings, stop trying to push them away and ignoring them, they matter! You need to let yourself feel those things and at the very least talk about them with your partner. You can't be truly happy by simply refusing to acknowledge when you're not.

Adora10 · 03/12/2018 14:16

You clearly don't trust him and if I found 3 pics of a woman in her underwear on my partners phone, I'd be going nuts.

loveyoutothemoon · 03/12/2018 14:25

A mate sending pics of their girlfriends in underwear-quite unlikely.

Him using that as an excuse to cover who it actually is-more likely.

Sorry.

Kennycalmit · 03/12/2018 14:26

He isn’t worlds apart from his friend, OP. If he was then the friend wouldn’t have sent the picture in the first place! When he received them the very first time I hardly doubt this guy protested about it

I think you’re kidding yourself by saying he’s a model boyfriend. No he isn’t. If he was, he wouldn’t have half naked pictures of other women on his phone. Even if it was porn.. I don’t know any man that actually saves porn to his phone because it’s so available 24/7 there’s no need

HJWT · 03/12/2018 14:43

I really don't understand this whole 'snooping on his phone I know I shouldn't of done it' if your in a committed relationship you should be able to go on each other's phone at any point without notice. If I found those types of pics on my DH phone he would be out the door unless they were of google or something but I VERY much doubt that is there is 3 of the same woman.

SexNotJenga · 03/12/2018 15:09

If you're in a committed relationship you should be able to trust each other so much that you give each other a little privacy. DH and I use each other's phone on the odd occasion it's more convenient, but I don't go searching through to try to find evidence of wrong-doing, and I'd be extremely if I thought he was.

HJWT · 03/12/2018 15:15

@SexNotJenga exactly but for her to be 'snooping' they obviously can't trust each other can they😌

SexNotJenga · 03/12/2018 15:17

Ah, OK, yes, I agree.

Sethis · 03/12/2018 15:28

What, exactly, do you think he's guilty of?

And what is the context for these pictures?? You've said "sent in the last three months" but what does that mean? Do you mean someone on facebook has sent them in a chat message? Is he on Tinder? Has he simply right-clicked a picture of a woman's snapchat account and saved it to his phone without talking to her at all? Has he saved them from the Debenhams website so that he remembers what underwear he was going to buy you for Xmas?

Tbh it almost doesn't matter because if you're checking his phone for 8 years and yet are still talking about buying a house together you've got seriously much more important problems you need to get sorted.

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