Need a hug.

[Heartbroken44]

Hello everyone, Brand new to Mumsnet and need some help and advice. Husband and I are not long back from what was supposed to be the holiday of a lifetime. 4 days before we came home he told me he doesn’t love me (in fact he never has !) I am devastated. We are an older couple - it’s second time round for both of us and last year he retired (although now doing some part time stuff !) so I though it was mid life crisis etc etc.
He denies having anyone else and as his first wife was a serial cheater and put him through a lot of pain he said he would never do that to me. I have however found out he met someone else 4 months ago and although he said it was a mutual friendship his iPhone has been glued to him (even taking it to the bathroom) and he has changed all his passwords on our joint computer. I have however managed to read a few messages from him telling his “mutual friend” that he has fallen so deeply in love with her and if she’ll have him he will love and cherish her forever ! Oh My God I am absolutely heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I didn’t think I was be in this position at this stage in my life. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. We are still living in the same house and one minute he is cooking my favourite dinner and the next minute he is saying something vile to me - I don’t know if I’m coming or going. He has moved in to the spare bedroom (his suggestion) but I suspect that’s so he can WhatsApp in peace during the night.
Also this year we moved to a lovely house (bought in his name only) but it’s in a completely new area so I don’t have any close friends. I do have a sister but she is not very well just now so I don’t want to burden her with this. You are all I’ve got !! I still love him - am I just kidding myself or should I do something permanent ? 😭

I'm so sorry. Sometimes life is just shit and this is one of those times. This relationship is over. He's most likely looking at a future with someone else.

As painful as that is to accept, you have to.

In your shoes, I'd be looking to move somewhere else, back to where you were once happy or at the very least have friends.

I know right now it's hard to imagine being happy again, but take heart relationships break down all the time, and although the pain is immense, the heart does heal.

This was not the man for you. Im sorry xx

Didn't want to read and run. Bumping. You will get through this

I have no advice but bumping for support and have a hug while were at it.

The best I've got is: He doesn't deserve you, he's having his cake and eating it too. Once you've found your anger, kick him to the kerb and find someone to cherish you! This man is not it. I'm so sorry. Has he even told you about this woman and what he's said to her, or does he think you're clueless and you think they're just friends?

Hi AdaArdor, He still tells me it’s “not what I think “ and that “she doesn’t want him” He tells me it’s platonic and they haven’t as much as had a hug ! Little does he know I’ve seen the emails of him pledging his undying love ! It does seem to be more on his side than hers - all I know is he never wrote soppy poetry for me ! At the moment it hurts l8je Hell but everyone tells me it will get better. Thankyou for all your support.

Oh sorry op, that's horrible. Have you told him you've seen the emails/messages?

It sounds dreadful OP - and to feel so isolated is hard. As everyone else has said, you can and will get through this but it will be painful. He obviously does have another woman - he will deny and deny but that's just the script.

First you need to get your thinking head on (in the midst of your grief).
He is telling you that the relationship is over. You have two choices - do the 'pick me dance' because you can't bear to have the relationship end or to face the fact that you have met a cheat and a liar who does not have your interests at heart - and get rid.

You say the house is in his name but do you have your own finances? Practically could you move easily?

He doesn’t know I’ve seen the emails and something is stopping me from telling him !! As for finances he really holds most of the purse strings - I do have a part time job which I’m sure I could ask to go full time ..... housing and lifestyle will be completely different if I move out but as you say in the long run I will pick myself up and probably be happier for it ! I’m really cross with myself as I stupidly still love this guy ..... this has really shocked me as I’ve always said I don’t understand how anyone can forgive an affair ! What is wrong with me ? I’m normally such a strong character and now I feel like mush !!

Get legal advice fast, put a charge against the property...

TBH you could probably negotiate a favourable to you terms of divorce whilst he is desperately preoccupied with moving on ASAP to the OW

Thankyou RandomMess I will get onto that sooner rather than later. Breaks my heart as it will feel like the “final nail” but must start being level headed and realistic and stop being a doormat !

There's a lot of advice on here about 'getting your ducks in a row' before you say / do anything.
Things like getting copies of all finances, payments, bank / mortgage statements, tax returns etc. If you're married then you are entitled to all sorts but you will need the evidence . If you can manage it, a couple of days getting copies of paperwork and having an appointment with a solicitor to take legal advice before you make any moves is well worth it.
It's heartbreaking I know when you realise that the relationship you thought you were in is a charade - BUT there is a good life on the other side. A life with your self respect, free from a liar and a cheat. Having a job is also a help.

Wishing you all the best