Dd's friend told me she's been talking about suicide

[WhatElseCanGoWrong]

Firstly, NC so as not to link to other personal stuff, as some aspects may make us identifiable to friends/family on here.
Secondly, I posted here for traffic, but if it's better elsewhere, please let me know.

Was waiting outside school today to pick up younger siblings, and a friend of DD came up to me and told me there was something wrong with DD. She was depressed but didn't look it. When I asked if she'd been saying anything, friend said she'd been talking about suicide and ran off.

Background - DD is 12, quite quiet, has a few good friends but does speak to others. Doesn't have a particular problem with anyone that I know about. Fairly recently into anime and fan fiction based on that. Not very confident in herself, although does fine at school. I know she'd had a bit of a 'i can't talk to or trust anyone' and 'my mum embarrasses me' chat with her friends on group chat a while back, but nothing else since until now. DD was close to this friend but has found her a bit annoying over the past few weeks because of her copying work/taking and using her belongings etc. DD and friends are moving up to high school after xmas, have the formal and presentations etc over the next few weeks, which she's sometimes happy about, sometimes not.

We'd all had a really nice family weekend, no problems. DD was quiet on the way to school in the morning, so I'm assuming there's something she's not particularly happy about atm. I also assumed that if it was a problem with someone there, her friend would have mentioned this instead?

I have always told her she can tell me any problems, but you know how preteen girls are. Most things come out at some point. I'm not sure if she's just having an attention seeking episode with friends, or whether there is more to it. I don't want to drop her friend in it, but equally feel I should try to get to the bottom of it. If I ever ask when she's obviously miserable, she just says it's nothing, although I've never given her a reason to mistrust me, as far as I am aware.

Anyone going through/recently one through this with their DD? Any advice on what to do/say? Sorry that was so long!

It's hard- the friend if they have been having issues recently, may have been stirring. Would your DD have confided in this girl specifically over her other friends? You can never tell what's going on in someone else's head, but continuing to support her, explain that you're there regardless, and keeping communication open, with no consequences for what's said (within reason) is all you can do. I wouldn't question her directly

I don't want to minimise but my first assumption is that the friend is stirring. I'd still definitely have a good chat with dd (I find snuggling down at bedtime is a good time), ask how she is, how's school etc. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more to the issue with this girl. The fact she ran off after suggests it was said less out of concern and more out of daring herself to do it. I hope they're going to different high schools.

Thanks "SD & Merry*. Interesting that you both thought the friend is more of an issue. There may be something in that. I've had a round about brief chat after school (not specific) and seems this friend is being a bit of an annoyance at the MO. I don't think DD would have confided anything solely to her, but possibly mentioned it in group chat. Or maybe that's what the friend was referring too? Anyway, DD was chatty and happy enough after school today, so maybe it's nothing. Unfortunately, this friend will be going to the same high school, I'll keep my fingers crossed for different classes!

Maybe friend ran off so DD didn't see her talking to you? I would be concerned, generally children aren't shit stirrers so badly that they would tell a mother their child is considering suicide. However teenagers these days are fragile and suicide is 'fashionable' I would really try and have a chat with DD just to make sure everything is ok with her.

It really depends how manipulative this girl is, I guess. I wouldn't put it past some pre-teens, especially v clever ones. On the other hand, if she is very aware of issues like this, she may have thought it important to say something to you. But yes, it is really worrying for you. Just keep communication open and try to check her messages frequently.

generally children aren't shit stirrers
I'd tend to agree usually, but not sure about this one tbh. She's caused drama lying about what someone else said in the friendship group, and takes pens/rubbers etc and swears they're hers...
I take your point about it being 'fashionable', iforgot - you're right. I'll keep up the chats and subtle snooping.

Sorry to hear this. I agree with pp that it may possibly be stirring. However please take it as a concern for now and look at getting her some support. Please do not ignore it. X

I think it's a very serious thing to say especially to a PARENT. I knew plenty of stirrers through my childhood/teen years but very very rarely would they ever involve a parent. Just my opinion, but I would take it seriously because I couldn't live with myself if I didn't and something happened.

I hope she is of course fine though and was just being a bit dramatic!

I think you have to treat this seriously and have a talk with your daughter.

The girl may be dramatic and misinterpreting but at a similar age, my dd's friends went to the school counsellor because they suspected my dd was self-harming. She was and we would not have known otherwise. And we also had plenty of chats with her and would have sworn we knew her mood etc. Is there any school nurse or counsellor who could have a chat with her as well?

I'm not sure about the school nurse/counselor, DD is a v quiet kid as it is, so I think would be unlikely to open up about anything. Esp as there are less than two weeks before breaking up for the end of the year, and end of time in that school, so there is no time to build up any kind of relationship.
DD has been lovely and chatty at home. I'll keep a look out for marks, not easy to hide with it being swimwear weather here atm.
pallisers what was the reason for your dds self harm, if you don't mind saying? A friend's kid did the same a while back, but it just appeared to be a shortish hormonal phase, without any suspicious motivation, iyswim.

Check her devices for chats with friends and for direct messaging things (sorry don't know proper term)
Some anime has an emphasis on suicide or self harm unfortunately. Check out any games she plays online.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for different classes!

Can you ring the school and request that they are in different classes?

Going through something similar with our 12 yo d at the moment, it’s difficult.
There were no signs we picked up on, everything seemed normal & her friend told her own mother last week that our dd was sad in school, so upset that the mum phoned me.
A lot has come out since, we have checked her apps & found many messages saying she no longer wanted to live.
When confronted she was relieved & we have done a lot of talking.
We have also been speaking with the school & all working together on this.
Personally I don’t think she meant it, however I do know she’s very insecure about a lot of things & I think the fact sucide & self harm was mentioned we are taking it very seriously, as are the school.
I’ve no advice, we are atruggling with it ourselves,
I think it’s a good start to check her chats though.
Hopefully we will all get through this,

pallisers what was the reason for your dds self harm, if you don't mind saying? A friend's kid did the same a while back, but it just appeared to be a shortish hormonal phase, without any suspicious motivation, iyswim.

She was depressed and was looking for relief. We knew about the depression and she was seeing a therapist but we didn't realise she was (mildly) self-harming.

She also heard about it from other kids so thought she might try it.

Tbh I think self harming - as in cutting lightly - is scarily common among teens as a stress-reliever/language to tell everyone how bad they feel.

It is hard and stressful for many teens/early teens these days. One thing I would do is check her texts/social media carefully.

Also, I have a friend who has a mid-teen dd with a chronic health condition. She got a call from the mum of her dd's friend saying "look my dd is concerned about your Rosie because of xyz" Turns out the girl wasn't managing the condition in the way the parents thought and her friend was concerned enough to notice and say something. So it isn't just mental health issues where friends can be the first ones to notice.

Thanks pallisers.

So to update, it seems the informative 'friend' is one of those who isolates or otherwise acts against one person in the friendship group, and its the turn of dd. Girl has already been caught out lying about and to the other girls in the group, says she actively disliked one of them, 'made up' and is now best friends with said girl (who used to be best friends with DD) and is actively trying to make DD look like a bad friend to the others (secret Santa debacle as the latest). Of course DD is too quiet and not confident enough to stand up for herself, so we have a completely different problem from what I first thought.

God save me from actively manipulative and vindictive preteens! Any advice on the new situation welcome! ('Find other friends' is a non starter. The other girls are good friends to DD at present, and DD will need the mutual support for school starting next year as she knows few ppl there, and none of the girls in her new class. Luckily little Ms Stirrer isn't in any of their classes next year. Hopefully she'll drift off... )