AIBU... to give up on people who don't really... well... chat?

[MadGentleman]

Could apply to relationships beyond straight-forward paramours, I guess.

Date-wise, over the years I've noticed a few occasions where there's been someone who's shown interest and on the face of it you've "clicked" but when you try (not in an overly flirty manner) to get to know a bit more about them everything dries up? I'm not talking about asking anything overly personal. Just stuff you'd count as small talk with anyone else, like...

• Finding that whilst they come up to say "Hi" their contribution to the conversation just kind-of stops there. You're always the one asking what they've been up to or what hobbies they like. They never return the favour so you end feeling like a chat show host.

• Having got to know each other a little bit, you swap emails. They mention something like "its snowing here" so you reply "wow, do you think it'll stick?" and you either a) get no reply or b) the reply ignores your question and talks about something else entirely.

• Maybe you do get replies but they're virtually monosyllabic, vague or reveal nothing.

I'd always chalked this as being down to lack of interest - romantic with dates, obviously, but could equally apply to potential friendships too. I mean, if someone wants to get to know you, I assumed they'd... well... want to get to know you and they'd therefore make an effort or be inspired to do so. However, my very own brother recently confessed that he was a bit like this himself. He had to make a mental effort to actually ask about a person and engage in social repartee.

Have i been judging people too harshly? Should I give more benefit of the doubt? Or am I right to say "I'm out!" the moment I feel I'm just wittering to myself?

Hmm interesting l have a similar pet hate and that's how much people interrupt you these days, in a group especially no one ever seems get to the end of a sentence ever... very rude. But on your point l just tend to do same as how l deal with being interrupted, as soon as l realise someone's not re iptpcating l just shut up suddenly and don't speak again until or unless they acknowledge they interrupted and ask me carry on or they start to join in the conversation. People are such hard work sometimes aren't they!!

reciprocating

I’m guilty of this so often. But rove very honest I really don’t have much interest in getting to know people so your suspicions are confirmed.

Agree, so many people do this, you find yourself always having to carry the conversation. I tested it out with one person once and we sat in silence for an hour. Despite having "good banter" usually.

They obviously couldn't think of a single thing to say.

Others just waffle on about themselves and if you decline to offer follow up questions to their quite frankly rude stream of consciousness just clam up.

I also can't be doing with people who can't cope with theoretical scenarios, or hypothetical questions. FFS have a bit of imagination.

I have a theory that this is a side effect of social media, where you don’t have to engage conversationally in the same way. I’m quite sociable and I move around a lot and get involved in lots of things and I’ve noticed that quite a number of people conduct their real life conversations a bit like FB posts or Tweets, just sort of making a statement but then not knowing what to do with a real-time response.

This might all be bollocks and they might just not want to talk to me - though observing people with others makes me think it isn’t just me, and I know several people who are like this who also say they’re lonely and wish they had more friends, so I can’t just assume they’re curt because they’d rather not engage.

YANBU. Chatting and socialising don't come naturally to me, so when I'm in that situation I try really hard. This may include thinking about and writing down potential conversation topics in advance. So its really annoying when others don't go to any effort at all. Stay home then if you can't be arsed!

Thanks everyone - that's some really fascinating responses!

@Comtesse: that's a really interesting theory. Now you mention it, it does seem to chime with one or two younger people I know. Or maybe that's just me feeling old .

God yes. The death of the art of conversation. I bloody hate it and blame social media entirely. I find myself having to explain How conversation works to my students!!

All this small talk is so superficial though, and some of us just can't be arsed, or have the time. Beyond the small circle of dp and his extended family, two Ds, ddil and dgc, ddog and probably about half a dozen friends, that's about it. I've got a very dear friend who said to me that their friendship list is closed! (Although they've got literally hundreds of friends).

I’m very introverted and can be like this when I’m feeling overwhelmed or a bit shy/anxious.

I’m also like it when I don’t like someone but if that’s the case I only make very brief eye contact too. I struggle to be any different and I get quite distressed by it sometimes.

@Singlenotsingle & @Osirus - I guess this is the crux of my question:

If you get this with a new date/flirtee/social contact, how much can be attributed to the Death of the Art of Conversation and/or an introverted personality and how much just the fact they can't be arsed (which, admittedly, is their right)?

This "death of the art of conversation" is a myth imho. Watch the children. My dgs is 5 - yatter, yatter, yatter with his friends. He's naturally sociable, but no one's taught him to be like this. Other children may be quieter. It's just down to the individual.

I'm a 58 yr old bloke, still not sure whether I'm allowed. I'm a Gemini, I talk. I am sure that things have got worse. I'm curious, I like people's stories, I thought it was maybe being older that others seem more, frankly, suspicious. For years random chatter was so easy and fun. I'm a good listener, easy to say I know, but so many people's lives are straight out of a novel so it's great to listen. But so many times; I hear you were just on holiday? Yes. Anywhere exciting? Spain. Ah Spain, inland seaside? Seaside. Nice seafood then? Dunno, ate English in the hotel. Ok I give in. People who say conversation dried up after 10mins. Are you kidding? What's you're favourite dinosaur? Ever seen a ghost? Music? Science? Food? Books? Dancing? Art? Interests? Hobbies? Do you cycle, walk, like nature stuff? Sports? Cat or dog? Not all at once obviously. I've noticed wistfulness is on the decline. Whimsy. General silliness. I have no ulterior motive, I just want a giggle. Even the god awful 20 stone penguin, eh? Just thought I'd say something to break the ice. But many people don't want to talk and that's fine. Nothing judgemental about it, but I just give up politely; conversation can be a joy.

I've encountered a few people like this, but I wouldn't say it's a 'thing', just individual differences. I'm a talker and I'm interested in people so find chatting comes naturally. Recently I was paired with a woman on a stall at a charity event. It was the proverbial blood out of a stone scenario - 4 hours of monosyllabic replies. At the end of the afternoon she said "I hope they put us together next time, some of the others can be a bit funny". It brought to mind "Entertaining Father Stone" for any Father Ted fans.

I was having an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. We were due to get a taxi hope and he mentioned how he liked chatting to taxi drivers. I said that I hated making small talk with people I wouldn't have much in common with and would never see again and that it was wasted energy. A bit harsh, perhaps!

I do enjoy chatting to people in general though, and find it interesting.

My mind goes blank in social situations due to the high levels of anxiety I feel. Either that or I witter on about myself and forget to ask questions also due to being anxious. Then I reel from the cringe of what I just said and go silent again.

I can be a good conversationalist with people I’ve known for years (so uh, my parents and husband) but with everyone else I’m just a panic stricken wreck whose whole energy is going into holding together some semblance of not being a totally mad bint.

I've noticed wistfulness is on the decline.

Well, it may well be, but I really don't see why you would check levels of nostalgic yearning in idle chit chat with a casual acquaintance?

I don't know if conversation is on the decline (I suspect not, at least in my age group), but I am a bit gobsmacked by men on OLD who won't tell you anything about themselves. Do they really think that they're going to win your heart with just "Hi"? I don't know, maybe there are loads of women out there looking for someone to sit in silence in front of the TV with, but it's not going to work for me.

I'm coming back to OLD after a break, and it seems to be all about Bumble now (I did use OKC, but it appears that most blokes have migrated away from it), and the amount of men that look to have made quite an effort with their photos, but haven't even filled in a bio is massive, and even if they have, about 20 words seems to be the norm. I'm going to need more than that to go on!

Anxiety, shyness, ASD or not a small talker. Many things or rude.