Still thinking about an ex after years. Anyone in the same boat?

[Unhappyoverthis]

Please be kind as I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now.

I've been married to my lovely DH for a few years now - we got engaged and married within a fairly short space of time, everything just fell into place. A few months before I'd met DH, I'd been seeing an ex of mine. It was our second try at being together and it didn't work out for the same reason as before, which was that we were at different stages in life as he's a few years younger than me and I was looking to settle down. We had this huge, intense connection and I was devastated it didn't work out.

When I got married my ex sent me a nice congratulations message. I moved abroad and we had no contact up until about a year ago when I contacted him just to say hello (DH knows I stay in touch with a couple of my exes and I told him we had spoken). We exchanged a few messages and although we didn't speak about anything in particular, just chitchat,it all came rushing back for me - the breakup, the connection I'd felt. I hated the feeling and felt really guilty although I hadn't actually done anything so I decided to leave the last message he sent for a few days and come back to it. But he must have gotten annoyed because when I checked he'd blocked me, and we haven't spoken since. I felt so unsettled by the whole thing and I found myself thinking about him all through this year. Just a few days ago I saw photos pop up from his engagement that mutual friends posted and was really sad, though it sounds ridiculous because I have no right to be sad and I feel so guilty for having these feelings. DH is wonderful and I see no point whatsoever in telling him because it would only hirt him, and besides, there's nothing really to tell.

Has anyone else felt this way? It's been so long since I've seen him and we don't even live in the same country, but I find my mind wanders in his direction constantly. I don't know if it's limerence or something else but I hate this feeling and wish it would just go away, but I can't seem to forget.

Oh, and I've been having loads of dreams about him too. Just to add to the mess of it. I wish I could say it will just go away but it's been like this for months now.

Sounds like the one that got away ? I had/have one of those and I still think about him 15 years later. Sorry not much help I'm afraid but just wanted to say I know where ur coming from.

@Peachsnowpop yep, it feels like there's this sense of unresolved business although that's not true - we're both with other people.I can't imagine feeling like this for another 15 years, that would be torture. Do you have contact with your ex?

Why didn’t you end together.
I mean I know you say you were in different places but it’s only been a few years, and now you’re both either married or engaged.

The only reason I say this, is because it’s eash to say “this was the reason” when there were actually a lot more reasons, but the rose tinted glasses don’t want to remember them.

End up! Not end

@Paininthestain you're probably right, maybe we were ultimately incompatible - if it was meant to be it would've, regardless of the timing. I know that on a rational level, but it doesn't stop all the thoughts or the sadness.

Like many people I had one that got away, and was cross with myself for dwelling on him, and guilty. I gave myself a hard time over it. Then I slowly realised that
There’s room in our hearts for more than one person. I mean I’m really monogamous, but different parts of ourselves are brought out by different situations and people aren't they? Once I’d stopped banning myself from feeling that way the feelings loosened.

There is love and there is love which can work on a daily basis with the mundanity of life, as a functional partnership. Love can be so powerful and amazing with someone but it just doesn't work as that long term partnership. It's normal that you think of this person and still have feelings, that you regret etc. This will pass if you cut them out and don't look at them online etc. Eventually you will feel a poignant regret but also glad you had that experience with them. And yes I'm talking from experience. You have to make that cut though- if you keep seeing them on social media etc you will not get the distance you need. Plus it will hurt you more when you see stuff.

As Ohyesiam said, there is room in our hearts for more than one person. There are different loves at different times. Accept what this is and be kind to yourself. xxx

Hand holding as they say. It's not pleasant is it, I really feel for you. Sorry I have no way forward for you, only can I wholeheartedly agree and sympathise with you by having similar feelings. I met my old flame whom I've still cared for deeply over the 15 years since I chose to (somewhat) justifiably part ways with, I honestly regarded him my sole mate. It was sometime after my most recent relationship of a decade had dissolved when I discovered my old flame was also post-separation/divorcing. I had such high hopes, considered it fate etc. We started contact by message, met and spent almost 2 hours catching up, exchanging circumstances and recalling the great times but also some sad memories of life events that occurred during our partnership. He asked me to keep in contact, I thought at very least we'd be able to support each other through our new challenges at the very least as reformed friends.. We departed after several long dear holds, nothing other than compassion and consideration for yet another occasion where life had dealt us each another blow... but ever since I've been ghosted. I was gutted, still a bit shocked and stumped by it really, not him at all. And of course rather burnt by allowing myself to think of what might have transpired by our timely joint singleness. Could be extenuating circumstances and a difficult divorce (no DC however) but still hurt by his out of character action.

Had a very similar thing with my first girlfriend and thought about her for years afterwards, but these days the logical brain overrules the emotive brain that now says if it was going have worked it would have and it didn't so leave it there where it belongs in the distant past!

" I hate this feeling and wish it would just go away, but I can't seem to forget."
Same.
The very same about my ex.
He sends messages 3/4 times per year. Somehow these messages come through right at the moment I need someone to buoy me up. I just love the thought of it. Love the fantasy. I don't know how it would be in reality, I best not spend too much time thinking about it.
Ultimately OP I think the fantasy of things beyond our reach is just some projection of hope and desire.
I just keep refocusing my eyes on my current life and all that I have to be thankful for.
I don't think it's worth the gamble. But that's your decision.

I've felt like this a couple of times. So bad at one stage I had some CBT. Mine starts when particularly unhappy with real life. I understand the dreams and it being on your mind constantly. Try and focus on yourself and what you want out of your life

I understand how you feel, it can be very real.
I'd focus on why things DIDN't work. It's very likely that if things didn't work the first time, or the second, they won't work out a third. This isn't necessarily either of your faults though, it could just be different personalities.
Also, the fact that he blocked you simply because you let a conversation on hold for a few days is really crap of him. If he was understanding, he'd just assume that you were really busy, and maybe would then send you a very kind message asking you if you received the first one.

Thanks everyone for your kind replies, I thought I'd get a blasting.

@Abi47 I think sometimes I need therapy too to work out my feelings about it all. Did you find it helped?

@WaterBird the thing is, I know rationally that my DH is 1000x better for me but somehow my rational brain is overridden when it comes to this. I was so upset when he blocked me and I guess it shows to some extent the kind of person he is, but it was so abrupt it's played on my mind ever since.

@newsmoo that is so upsetting and awful. I know the feeling well, wondering what on earth happened. I don't know what it was with mine - I want to believe he felt something too, but more than likely he just got annoyed and couldn't be bothered.

@ineedanotherwine I wish mine contacted me like yours does, which is so sad and pathetic of me. Instead I'm fairly sure he is happy and getting on with his life and has forgotten me entirely. Though it must be unsettling to hear from him too I'll bet.

I completely understand your feelings, OP. I very recently broke ties with my ex who was a "one that got away" type. I have yet to meet someone else to date, but I wouldn't be surprised if I had similar thoughts once I was married.
And it would be harder if your ex was a mostly decent person. Mine was not.

He might not have blocked you in a fit of pique. Maybe he decided it was healthier to do so because he'd started a promising relationship with his partner and wanted no distractions. Maybe she was feeling insecure and asked him to cut contact. Anyway, I don't think it really matters. I think that talking to someone to get to the bottom of your feelings should be your priority now. I understand how you feel and it's awful, that obsessive feeling and the lack of control.

That's a good point. I think it would have been a decent thing to do for him to explain why he was blocking her, though. By not communicating with her whatsoever before the blocking, he has deprived her of being able to seek answers from him.

I totally understand this feeling. That intense feeling is like a drug and it leaves you always wanting more of it.

Something you said has rung true to me - 'he wasn't ready to settle down'. I think when men are like this, it often makes us more keen for them and the feelings more intense because their unavailability makes them more attractive. You run after them in an attempt to pull them into your life and get them to settle down - they resist, and you try and pull them more, the feelings get more intense and powerful.

I would say your first step, as someone else pointed out, is to write down the characteristics that you didn't find attractive.

There is a good chance that if you had had a full on relationship with him, a lot more negative characteristics would have come out once you'd stopped being blinded by the 'intense love cloud'.

@SuperSuperSuper you're right, it could be any one of those things. The reason I thought it was a fit of pique was because his last message was something to the effect of 'are you bored of talking to me already?' said in a joking way (sorry to drip feed). But it doesn't really matter either way. The blocking just made it that much harder.

I met up with an ex from 27 years ago earlier this year, we are both in relationships. We ended up having an affair, but it's tailing off now, I don't think we were ever compatible. He's like a drug though, constantly on my mind and in my dreams.