partner's job a strain on relationship

[islandseeker]

My partner is a headteacher and the stress and strain of the job is unbelievable! The impact on our relationship is awful and has been so for years. I'm so depressed about it and want to ask others if this is also your experience? I do feel sorry for him at times but not always. He gets in moods and angry. He is nearing the end of his career but still has some way to go. I try to be supportive but it isn't always easy. Sometimes I just don't want to hear anymore. I do try to be supportive and show understanding. At times I have to be careful what I say or he will get cross and call me unloyal or get angry with me.
He does have to deal with a lot of awful stuff and in particular lately he is fed up of parents who seem to complain about everything and anything. This is the case in most schools now. I just think he struggles with dealing with it all and am concerned by some of his reactions. I think I'm often on the receiving end of his misplaced anger. How do others manage in similar circumstances?

You've made me think of School on BBC 2. Did you watch it. I've linked to an article about it - the headteacher lost his job and he's talking to The Guardian about how much better he feels for leaving.

It's an incredibly stressful life and you have to consider whether you can put up with him doing it for much longer. The chance of him being ill through stress is really high - and you, too.

You don't have to stay. You're free to leave and have your own life. What's happening in education is so awful, nobody could blame a spouse for not wanting to be around it.

Well.

He is in a stressful job but that’s not an excuse for him to be a wanker to you.

My husband is a head of department and I feel exactly the same OP.

I wish he had picked a totally different career and he puts it before family every time. It’s pretty much killed our relationship to be honest.

Sometimes it's like he confuses me with people at school who make him angry and I get an ear bashing! He takes stuff too personally and can't take criticism. Wished he had different job.

For some teachers at that level, the job does come before everything else. What does he say about it? What are his retirement plans? Could he retire early or do something else in education?

Yes he now says he has had enough and will go early hopefully next year or two - earlier than planned. I do think he gets things out of perspective and has disproportionate reactions. It's all so depressing.

I know teachers have a horrendous amount of stress. But taking it out on partner / family is not peculiar to teachers. Lots of other wankers do that too.

What I'm trying to say is that no amount of stress in any job justifies anyone being an arsehole to their partner, no matter what.

So remove the job label from your DH and ask why you put up with him being so vile to you

Dh is not a HT, but in a similarly stressful position. I often think that ppl in that situation act like twats towards partners because it's a safe space to say whay/behave how they would like to at work, but can't. It's had a very negative impact on our relationship too, and dh doesn't see it, for the most part. I've been increasingly pissed off with being treated like the least important person for a long time now, and don't hold back pointing these things out anymore. It's caused a lot of friction, but I think dh has a tiny inkling of what I've put up with now, which isn't an issue in many other marriages (with more 'normal' jobs).

It's good that your dh is thinking about early retirement. Can you sit down together and make concrete plans for this? If you can see a definite end in sight you will be better able to put up with the next few years. (No, a stressful job doesn't give anyone the right to be a wanker, but it's not going to change overnight. It may help him deal with it if he knows he's leaving soon. )

Is he any better during the holidays? Can you talk to him?
There is a fine line between being understanding and a whipping boy.

My last two partners have both been prison officers... the level of stress and strain in that job is insane. Neither of them have taken their anger and frustrations out on me. Your DH needs to accept that you are not his punchbag, and that he needs to find a more constructive way to deal with stress.

yes this is part of the problem and how I feel - that he is being unfair to me. I wish he could deal with it all better. For example, I recently said he was patronising towards me and he went mad saying that's what a parent had called him recently! He was very upset and I just felt so frustrated. All headteachers and teachers get complaints and the like but I wonder how do they deal with it? I would love to know and do they take it home? I don't like to see him so upset but neither do I like the constant anger and stress.he says stuff to me like "How would you like it if ... so and so... / they said it to you..." etc.I wish he could just process it better but then I feel am I expecting too much of him?
And yes there is more to this story.... other problems..... but this is a big part of it all and I particularly wanted to ask you about it.

When i saw the title i guessed the job would be teaching!
All headteachers and teachers get complaints and the like but I wonder how do they deal with it? I would love to know and do they take it home?
You could post on the Staffroom board to ask that.

Unfortunately this is an issue with people who have vocations. They give it their all and currently that means working to deliver services against all odds. Sadly although retirement may be an option, it’s hard to get them to take it.

Maybe suggest seeing a GP to get some help. It sounds like stress is affecting his life and your life. Go back say 8-10 years and think about what he was like then. If it is wildly different then he has stress and maybe depression.

Mine had this and to be honest it was the frog in hot water scenario. We didn’t notice until it became a depressive episode. After treatment and medication the transformation was amazing. Right back to the person he was. In retrospect the stress and depression had been there for some time. But honestly not that different from most people working in vocational roles in a number of sectors that I see everyday. I’m probably one of them too.

Stop saying it's because he's a HT. It's because he's an arsehole.

I wish he could deal with it all better
Have you considered that maybe he is dealing with it as well as he can? I've been in his shoes and it's horrible. Stress totally overtakes you and turns you into a horrible person but you feel so trapped into it and feel that there is no way out, it is totally overwhelming. He takes it on you because he is desperate for you to make it better for him.

I've been there and when it happened, my OH seemed much more concerned ovdrcthecimpact of my stress on him than on me. I was well aware that I was being difficult to live with but felt powerless as all I could do was get through the day hoping to make it without doing something stupid. My oh making it his hardship made things much much harder and if he'd consider the impact it was having on me and helped me through it, it would have made it much better much sooner.

As it is, I fought my battle on my own and did manage to turn things around. I am much more fun to be around and even at times, the roles are now reversed. We are back to enjoying each others company but I can't forget how unsupportive he was then and that will always stick.

I have considered this yes but even so I do think he takes stuff out on me. And to put it all in context he has always had temper problems. The job just makes it all worse.