Wanting what doesn’t exist v setting - does this kind of relationship even exist?

[usder8900002]

What is settling?

I want to feel totally in love with someone (fuzzy heights and wonderful intimate sex, passion) as WELL as feel secure and loved and safe.

Am I in a dream world here?

I totally get that conflict happens and you won’t find someone who matches every little last thing you’d ideally want in a partner. I do get that.

But there’s a lot to be said for a good, kind, decent man, who you might not have THAT spark with as well.

It seems hard to find both, and maybe it doesn’t even exist?

It definitely exists, but I do think it’s part luck (being in the right place at the right time) and also just getting in there before the good ones get snatched up. My dh was 21 when we met. He’s solid and wonderful and we’ve had such an exciting fun life together, but I have no doubt that if we hadn’t met when we did, someone else would have surely snatched him up because he’s an absolute gem. It was just luck that our paths crossed when they did. And to an extent, it also has to do with having your shit together when that time comes and being willing to give it a chance with a decent guy. I’d spent my life chasing bad boys (I’m older than he is), and they all turned out to be jerks. It’s only when I figured that out about myself and was more open to meeting someone who wasn’t sick a jerk that I think it was possible.

This is timely... I was on a date yesterday with a lovely man who had nothing wrong with him on paper. He worked, he was kind and respectful, he was looking for something serious.... but I just didn't feel that way about him.

I'm telling myself that I'm not being too picky, but I would have felt like I was settling if I went on any more dates with him.

but it there the totally in love with them feeling? do you feel like they are wonderful (mostly) etc? the only men i have found that with have been unfaithful or fake.

i dont know if you can have it all

I feel that way about my husband. He’s my favourite person, he still gives me butterflies, he’s fascinating, gorgeous, cosy, makes me feel like I’m my true self.

I had an awful first marriage and left it not knowing if I’d meet anyone else but that if I did I’d built some decent boundaries. It’s still luck to a certain extent, a lot of what’s great about him and our relationship are things I couldn’t have known at the start.

I’ve met some decent men who are really great on paper and not bad looking. I just don’t feel that into them. I have given it time too to see if there’s a spark but I just don’t feel it.

OP - I don’t know how old you are and if you want to have kids and how urgent all of that is...

But I do think age plays a part in how we fall in love....
Teenagers/early 20s - it’s all drama, heights, fairy tale ideas of ‘the one’...
Then we grow up a bit - mid 20s-30s - and it’s less ‘crazy’ and starts getting to longer term compatibility into account
In 40s - i think it’s less about high heights and more about fit and respect on all levels, with a strong chemistry. Etc
I don’t yet know how 50s work....

And added to that the fact that just because you WANT to be crazy in love - doesn’t mean you can will it to happen.

So - depending on your life-phase - you can wait and see if you meet someone who can closely resemble the ideal partner you have in your mind....
Or - if you are mid/close to end of your childbearing years and having kids is important - you can consider relaxing the criteria...

You sound on the younger side. Nothing to lose by waiting and meeting more people.
Good luck!!

im 35 so not sure if i have the time to be so picky?

OP - it depends on whether you want to have children and how important it is to you.
I had a few friends deciding at that age that they need to have kids - as the first priority - and at that age you only have about 5 years for that...

My friends dated - to see if they’ll find men they could see themselves with... and when that didn’t happen - had kids via sperm banks and continued their search for life partners....
I do find that age 35 as the most stressful age for dating.
It seems like you are on a clock to find a perfect partner to have kids with AND to spend your life with....
And men - also sense that pressure women are under at that age.
It’s not easy...

If one thinks outside of the box, or relaxes search criteria - it may be easier...

Urgh it’s stressful