Childhood emotional neglect

[Musti]

I know someone who was emotionally neglected as a child. Physical needs taken care of but no or little communication and has been really affected as an adult, been to counselling etc. Has anyone been emotionally neglected and can tell me how it has affected them and how best to support that person.

I've experienced it to an extent and I haven't been able to shake off the feeling of being a nuisance, in the way, unimportant, of no value.

I personally need my life and dreams respected, and reassurance that someone is there, that someone cares, especially when life gets a bit tough and support is needed. And I mean constant reassurance, which can be draining for the other person. It also helps if when I first meet up with someone they smile, that's important. A stony face full of indifference is not a good start.

Thank you beachcomber. I get the feeling they also need space and I'm struggling to know of it's better that I give them space or not. I'm happy continuallyreassuring them, just don't want to be a nuisance or put them off.

I would counsel giving your parents at least some reprieve by acknowledging the social mores that were prevalent at the time you were being raised and also those that were prevalent when your parents were children and being raised. I think some people just perpetuate what they grew up with whereas others go the opposite route.

I guess every case is different but it's hard to not think that in any case it wouldn't be devastating.

I was emotionally neglected, I have v low self esteem. Eager to please and then suffer when people walk all over me. I've been bullied repeatedly by different people in positions of power - I make it easy for them.

I need space. I'm used to being alone and find it difficult to fully relate to others. My version of 'normal' is skewed, but I know this. I am self aware enough to counter balance where I can. I'm deliberately vulnerable at times, like a test. To see who I can trust early on and walk away from those I can't trust.

I adore my son with every fibre of my being. I tell him every day how much he is loved. But I'm careful not to smother him. I really don't want to fuck it up with him and give him a whole different set of problems to me.

You become an individual and develop minimalist expectations regarding others preferring to rely upon your own view of the world rather than others.
There are both positives and negatives attached of course but what really shines through if you truly believe in your own narrative rather than others, is how fucked up most people truly are.
Take control of your life,
Believe in your view of the world.
Discriminate against those who use, abuse and manipulate your reality and move on.
You are more powerful than you think you are. Use that power to change your life and those children that you've brought into this world.
Men, for the most part, are irrelevant OP.

I have experienced emotional neglect as an adult. I am aware of just how badly I was affected by what happened. I was being told repeatedly that I was stupid and unable to do anything right or useful. Eventually, I realised how stupid the statements were. If I was so stupid why was I given responsibilities that I had.
I stuck with the situation for the sake of a child. The child is spoken to similar to how I was spoken to and in the same disheartening terms. I thought that if I was around the child I could minimise the amount of time the abusive person had with the child.
There was an instance of violence and I was told that I had to stay away from this person.
I am greatly concerned about the child. I am beginning to test myself to prove to myself that I am not stupid or unable to do things. The child is still among all this.
I can tell you that the constant barrage of being told you are worthless and stupid is very demoralising and debilitating. I have escaped but a child has been left in the midst of this situation.
The abuser was not a husband or male partner and the child is not my child
I wish the child could get some help.

My husband was emotionally neglected as a child. We all think his father has autism. His mother is loving but had no idea how to express it, never having been loved herself.

It's left him entirely unable to deal with any negative emotions of the children or mine. That's put a huge distance between us. It's very hard to laugh with your life's partner when you know that they're only emotionally there for the good times and will let you down in the the bad, spectacularly so occasionally.

Mind you I suspect he might be on the spectrum himself but since it's not been fully diagnosed, I can't say. But certainly his emotionally cold childhood has badly affected his confidence, his ability to be there emotionally and even his competence.

I grew up with it. It has made me very emotionally independent but also very distrustful of people. I agree with a lot of the above. I am happy in my own space and am able to work things through internally without feeling the need to talk to everyone about it - which has pros and cons. I do agree that most people are fucked up - they just project it onto others.

My standards for friendship can be very high as a way of protecting myself but that is no bad thing. I used to listen to people all the time but when I needed it, it was not returned. I am self aware enough to realise this was a pattern set up from childhood where my needs were discounted but it still hurt.

Feeling much better about life now but bugger me - it has taken 55 years!

I'm sorry to hear about you all. I would still like to know if it's better to always check in with them or to leave them in peace if they don't instigate contact? I don't mind either way, just want to do what's best.

I really appreciate people checking in on me - because I am uncomfortable in the spotlight and can appear self suffcient it doesn't happen often.

But not in a head tilt, smothering "are you ok, hun" way but a straightforward, authentic manner.

Hi musti

Is the person introverted in general or have they become more so since dealing with the issues?

If they are 'processing' emotional or complicated situations introverted people generally like to retreat and process information and the drive to do this is even stronger in instances where a person has been emotionally neglected. Emotional neglect can make a person totally self reliant and quite distant as they are so used to dealing with their own problems independently.

I would say continue to check in to let them know you're there, if the person retreats it's not personal. Encourage them to be honest in communicating their needs so that you know when to step back.

Everyone likes to know there's someone there for them if they choose to share.

Hope this helps

I would say just keep checking on the person and be aware that even the simplest of physical contact may cause upset but that upset is not directed at you so dont be put off.
I find any kind of physical contact very difficult. This is because when I really needed and want (my relatives) to put a hand on my shoulder or arm it did not happen. A reassuring hug would have been an amazing help at the right time, it didnt happen. This has left me with \ need for physical contact (very basic and innocent contact) but also a total fear of anyone touching me.

I found this site helpful.

I would keep checking in on the person concerned, OP. Maybe not every day, but I know I would like a friend to message/text every few days so I know they haven't given up on me, maybe occasionally saying they will let me decide when I'm ready to meet up. I think it's important to let the person concerned know that you are their friend, that you are there for them no matter what so that they don't feel abandoned.

My parents never showed me any affection, or told me that they loved me. Of course I know now that they did love me, but when I was younger I took it that they didn't even like me. It left me with no self esteem and I still have issues even now, at age 48.

I was emotionally neglected. Outwardlya nice mc family. Well fed, warm, nice clothes, homework done, extracurriculars done. Absolutely no interest in me as a person, emotional communication was only anger, very little time spent with us by parents that wasn't functional. I was told to grow up, stop being so sensitive, that I was pathetic, it's not that bad so get on with it etc i
H itSome goocd advice hermee.

...oops.
...If I expressed an emotion.
Some good advice here.
I have been left with a deep fear of showing vulnerability and zero self-esteem, frantic need for achievement and perfectionism, need to please others.I am convinced people will see I'm a freak and reject me. I have had depression and anxiety since preteen age, didn't even realise. Had a total breakdown at 29.
The same as a lot of people here, solidarity and I'm sorry to you
I would keep contacting him, show you care and won't go anywhere even if he doesn't reply. Let him talk. Show empathy. Don't jump to offer advice. Validate any feelings he expresses. You're a good end to post this

@Closetbeanmuncher no he's not introverted at all.

I'm so sorry to all of you who gave experienced this and your advice is very helpful. I'm more than happy to carry on instigating contact even when he doesn't if it helps him, just didn't want to be a nuisance.

I am a very verbally and physically affectionate person and so is he but he seems to retreat at times.

That's great that you're affectionate and he will find that comforting if hes the same way inclined....Just let him know you're there for him by checking in and don't take the retreating personally...It's not a rejection at all, just him accumulating some headspace. You sound genuinely caring which is never a nuisance.