what happened to my marriage..

[Fawnsett]

I know my husband since my late teens, married him at early 20th. We have a 3 y.o. child, I'm 28 now. Recently moved into a new house near a good school for our son.

I loved him a lot... Hell lot. I could swear this was the marriage of my life and I would love him forever.

I don't know when this started, certainly after our son was born. Something went wrong. He is not affectionate any more. We don't have sex sometimes for 2-3 months.

I always considered myself pretty, never had a lack of men's attention now look like a shadow of myself. Hate my reflection in the mirror. My self-esteem is a negative integer.

I was trying to talk to him a couple of times.. He just replies he's working like a dog for us to have everything we need (true). And all his minds are there.

Asked if he wants me to leave, he started crying.. I feel ridiculously selfish and ungrateful.

He is also a fantastic dad (best I've ever seen).
Definitely no OW involved, and he doesn't want counselling, sais he has no idea what to say (firmly).

And I don't know what to do... Plan to start the master programme next year, to get back into my field, as now I'm just a mum.

Start the Masters programme. It will lift your spirits and very likely prove to be a great investment for the future. Get your DH to the GP's. Possibly, there's a medical reason for his lack of libido and it wouldn't hurt to have it checked out. Sometimes, loss of libido can be a precursor of a medical condition in men.

Pallasathena, thank you.

Im afraid he won't listen and won't visit doctor. I don't know how to approach this.

Today he was back from work, we had dinner, nice chat. Our son is away (weekend with my in laws), so like absolutely free evening today. I asked him if we could have couple of minutes for ourselves. We went to the couch, he was stroking my hair.. and that's it.

What the hell happened to us, I have no idea.

I had a nice makeup and even did my hair, so I try to look good, but this hint didn't work.

Why the need for hints. If you wanted more than just your hair stroked, why didn't you initiate it? He seemed to be interested as he followed you to the couch.

toddman70 you are right, I'm just tired to try to initiate. After good couple of times he actually avoided me (it's perfectly ok for man not to want sex sometimes, we are all humans, but).. I'm scared now..

I want him to want me as it used to be. I want him to initiate it as I do. Otherwise that's me who is asking for sex all the time.

Fawn are you a SAHM?

Fawn does DH ever confide in you in other areas other than sex. Meaning do you both honestly open up with each other?

@fawnsett
I feel in a similar position. DP seems distance. Early 30’s with no sex life.
Just moved in to a new home.
I know something has gone wrong in our relationship, (there are many things is could be) but I can’t figure out what, and DP doesn’t know either and is refusing to speak to anyone. This has given me low self esteem and I feel like that now affects are relationship even more. I try speak to him but he just cries... emotional rollercoaster.

Is there something in the water?

Big hugs! Stay strong!

Hes not interested OP. I think you need to have a proper conversation again about it. If he refuses to try to improve things then you have to consider your options as this is no way to live long term.

Try to get your independence back so you're less reliant on him for your self esteem. Get a job and hobbies.

If you take what he has said at face value he is stressed. It’s not the good stress either. His thoughts and brainwaves just aren’t going to sex part of his head. He is probably upset about it. It’s not about you. If he got help he could provide that reassurance 🙄

The best option would be to go to the GP but if he won’t do that then you need to find ways to relax and de stress. Not a break or a holiday but something sustainable that will help him shut down negative stressful thoughts.

Exercise is a good one. But not excessive or competitive level exercise, that’s stressful. Could you both try for a regular 5k and have the little one looked after for the morning. Get tactile in warmups and cooldowns. Then take it from there. Or yoga, there are lots of you tube videos or go to a class.

Is he worried about money? Moving is expensive and it must be tough to be the only breadwinner. Is there a possibility that you could go back to work to share the responsibility? It would be good for your self-esteem, even if the job is at a lower level than you'd like. Most 3 yr olds are now in some sort of nursery/pre-school.

Anti-depressants aren't likely to do his libido any good. They tend to have the opposite effect. It would probably help if you took the pressure to have sex right off the menu. He may feel reluctant to be affectionate in case you take it as an invitation. But if you could get across to him that you're missing cuddles and hugs and not expecting anything more, then at least there will be warmth and affection in your relationship and with time he may be able to relax and feel more of a connection.