Supervising parents for social services

[triangletrifle]

I'm wasn't sure where to post this and I've name changed because it's such a sensitive subject. I'm devastated and won't be able to give lots of detail but please do bear with me...
A close relative of mine had a baby prematurely, baby was discharged from hospital earlier this week. Healthy weight and no medical issues. Relative called me Friday morning, they had baby on shoulder sitting up in bed, fallen asleep and dropped baby. They immediately called an ambulance and baby was taken to hospital with a significant head injury. I drop everything and go straight to hospital Friday, social services and police interview both parents and seem fairly satisfied that no 'intentionality' was done. However, scans reveal another head injury which can't be explained by the fall and the doctors can't agree if it's old or new at this time. Social services ordered that parents are not left unsupervised with baby for the foreseeable future. I stayed at the hospital with mum and baby and got home this morning, I'm shattered and scared. Other family there now and doctors think baby can be discharged tomorrow. Luckily, there will be no lasting damage. We've worked out a plan between us all to do shifts staying at their house. The alternative is that baby is taken into foster care which none of us want.
My problem is that I have my own family, job and commitments. I've asked that when it's my shifts, that baby come and stays at my house with me but my relative is really upset by this and says that baby should stay in familiar environment. I want to do what's best by the baby and I will sacrifice as much as I can to ensure baby stays within family but I can't neglect my own family either. I feel terrible because it seems like I'm being difficult. Has anyone else had to do anything similar? How should I handle it? I don't want to add to their stress. It's a horrible situation and right now we don't know when it will end, so I've got to think longer term as well.

Is your relative actually in a position to dictate terms to anyone? She wants to stay where things are familiar to HER - how can they be familiar to the baby, its only just arrived in the world. Is she having to bed-hop around everyone else's homes, or are most people staying at hers, and you are the only one with a young family?

If its only you, then she needs to suck it up. Is it possible she could do " day shifts" with you, and have another family member stay with her at night?

You cannot sacrifice your family for hers. You are already going out of your way to ensure that she can keep her baby with her, she needs to meet you half way at the very least. Frankly, she should be bending over backwards to fit in with those who are willing to 'supervise' if the alternative is foster care.

Well I'm sorry, the baby has two head injuries and is only home a week. She can comply with your terms i.e. baby stays with you, or she can get the fuck.

The baby's mother needs to accept that she can't call the shots over this. If she (and whoever else live there) is innocent, it's really unfortunate that this is happening, but the child's welfare must prevail meanwhile.

Your relative is in no position to dictate and if they are insisting that everyone be at their house then that would ring alarm bells. Quite frankly in their position I'd do anything to avoid baby going into foster care. Sorry but what they have done is utterly unforgivable. I know people will say that it happens but it doesn't if you're careful. I have a 15 week old special care baby and in those early tired days we were so careful where and how we held and fed her because she was so tiny and we were so grateful to not be leaving hospital with an empty car seat. I appreciate this is your relative but inconclusive is not innocent and mum's can do awful things to babies when they're frustrated, stressed, sleep deprived or have undiagnosed PND. She needs to be accepting the support offered because if she truely cares for that baby and has nothing to hide it wouldn't be an issue.

Are they very young parents? Addicted to drink/drugs? Surely every parent knows not to fall asleep with baby on you and that the safest place is their moses basket. I actually can't even understand how you'd manage to drop a baby even in sleep, unless you were under the influence of something as you tend to sleep with one eye open.
Silly beggars.
And that's not even thinking about the other unexplained injury.

And I am the last person to advocate Social Services involvement, but I certainly am in this case. The stupidity!

I'm getting cross just thinking about it.

How old is 'family member'?

I can't see how SS would have ok'd this plan.

If the baby is ready for discharge and SS don't want the parents having unsupervised access, SS will put a plan in place. This is not an adequate safety plan. Is this something the family have come up with?

Both parents aren't young, no drink and drug/mental health issues either. Baby is their first and they went through hell to even get pregnant. Baby was in hospital for a few months before discharged home so possible older injury maybe from when in hospital care, as a result of a birth defect or something else. From what we've been told, xrays and scans will be repeated in 10 days so hopefully the results will shed more light then. Although everyone appears to agree that presenting injury is consistent with the accounts they have given, until the other injury is explained then baby must have another adult present at all times. My family are primary school age and I am the only one with younger kids however everyone else works shifts etc. I'm down to supervise from Thursday until Saturday when another family member takes over. They are also not staying at their house.
I just didn't want to add to their stress but I do think in this situation I'm allowed to be assertive so I will say that my house or not all.

At the moment, baby is still in hospital. There are plans to discharge baby tomorrow. Social worker has asked the family to come up with a 24/7 rota which they will approve tomorrow I guess. We've all also got to have checks done which she said she'll do before baby is discharged.
I'm sorry if I'm not being coherent or clear, I've been up with a small baby all weekend which I'm not used to. I'm also really upset and angry and bloody scared for what may happen in the future. I can't let baby go into care and I will do all I can to ensure that doesn't happen. Social worker said that they would look for family volunteers before looking at other foster carers too.

Well at least they're taking this seriously. Yes, absolutely baby must stay at home with you. You can't be expected to up sticks and go to theirs on their whim for baby to be in a familiar environment (baby has only been there a couple of days and was dropped on its head - I doubt it will have severe issues about not being there). They really aren't coming across as the brightest pair.
Do they realise the severity of what they've done? There are leaflets upon leaflets that you get given in hospital about safe sleeping. Did they actually read any of it? Even one page?

Erm wow what a judgy thread

I fell asleep feeding my day old baby while in hospital. I was upright, he was being held, it happens. I woke up and he was on the floor - absolutely terrifying. I remember a news story where a baby was being fed and suffocated while dad sat there.

I don't know @Zulor. I think if anything, they were being over vigilant and rather than taking turns to get up with baby, they were both doing it together. I'm just as upset as you are believe me. It's fucking awful situation.

The parents must be terrified, feel guilty and generally going through hell. Please go gently with them. How would you feel if it was you that had accidentally hurt your much longed for baby and was now being investigated for neglecting them?
Put aside how reckless you think they were, it was an accident and it happened. Frankly you can't judge because it could easily be any of us, who doesn't make a mistake as a parent at some point, let alone sleep deprived and coping with a newborn.
Do what you can and be nice how you negotiate what you can and can't do to help. If that's staying at your house so be it but drop the judgement and be supportive.
I hope the baby recovers quickly.

The DP's are very lucky that they have been allowed to leave hospital with their dc and return home, baby could easily have been taken in fc. They are in no position to be demanding things.
All that said what has the social worker said about where they expect the dc to spend their time? They may have views on this.

But the difference is Noeuf this baby is a week old and has had 2 head injuries already, that in itself is highly concerning.

Baby was in hospital for a few months before discharged home so possible older injury maybe from when in hospital care, as a result of a birth defect or something else

No that's not what op said

No the baby is not a week old. The baby was born prematurely, spent a long time in hospital and was only discharged earlier this week.

OP this must be awful for you, I’m so sorry. I’d be clear about what you can do whilst keeping your own family running. The social worker can discuss what she/he needs to happen and your suggestion will either be accepted or you can discuss and decide anew.

Do make sure you are able to discuss the plans directly with social services, as going through the parents or relying on any second hand judgements will not be the best thing for you and could make this situation even worse.