Does the "mumsnet" approach to dating work for you?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, I'd love to hear some perspective on a topic I just discussed with a group of girlfriends.

The mainstream dating advice leans towards quite of a "rigid" approach: if you spot red flags move on, if he does not invite you out move on, if he does not want to be exclusive after x months move on, if he does not text you often move on, if he is not sure of what he feels about you move on. The relationship board on mumsnet is generally a good example of this approach.

A dear friend of mine recently got properly together with a man she had been having a FWB situation for 2 years. During these 2 years, it was clear that he had feelings, but she didn't. They carried on nonetheless (while also dating other people) and one day she woke up and realized she had feelings for him, and they got together. They are now madly in love and she js very happy.

According to the typical "mumsnet advice", this should not have happened. Because she was not that into him after a few months, the general advice would have been that he was wasting his time and he should cut his losses. Instead, they are now a happy couple, because he gave it time and stuck around.

I am wondering if, as women, we are encouraged to be too rigid and strict about our dating lives, probably out of fear of being hurt. I definitely follow most of the general dating advice, but historically that has not protected me from heartbreak at all. I do wonder if being more flexible and spontaneous could actually turn our to be a better approach?

Do you think having a "mumsnet" approach to dating and follow the general advice is helpful? Has it helped you? Or do you think we should be less guarded and more carefree while we look for love?

We're not some hive mind. I don't recognise your list as a whole at all. People get individual opinions and experiences.

I personally am not a fan of using texts to communicate. But I am a fan of communicating your thoughts to the person you're dating the old fashioned way.

Your friend got lucky, she was able to play with another man's emotions while he played the long game and waited. Some people don't mind waiting, some think life is too short. Neither way is universally 'right'.

I think most of the advice comes with good intentions and is generally applicable everywhere. However, the advice is always based on the situation explained by the person seeking it. There are too many factors that are variable. Having said that, I think we are still moving to a better place where the poster gets help on the general issues faced by a lot of people. One example is household chores and the resentment created by unequal division of these. So I think there is some good and some bad in this situation.
I received excellent advice and it turned out to be very useful for me.

I think the “mumsnet” approach is the antidote to the wider world approach which seems to be too many women putting up with all kinds of shit from useless or piss taking men because heaven forbid a woman should be happy single.

Mumsnet members try to advocate valuing yourself and not taking shit. Thank goodness.

Your dear friend was in control because he had feelings, she didn’t. She changed her mind - awesome.

But most of the time hanging around hoping that someone who doesn’t really care about you might change their mind is terrible advice.

There are always exceptions but the advice to protect yourself and don’t get too attached to people you hardly know is sound.

But dating and FWB are two separate things. I had feelings for one of my FWB... i knew he didnt reciprocate so i just dealt with them, carried on seeing other people and now have my amazing boyfriend, who is worth ten of my FWB. FWB is still around, but just a friend now, and thats really how it should all work.

I think if a woman really, really wants to find a man and stay in a relationship she nearly always has to lower her expectations and ignore a lot of red flags.

A growing number of women would prefer not to do this and prefer to stay single. A great man will probably not come along. No man is better than a shit man.

I am wondering if, as women, we are encouraged to be too rigid and strict about our dating lives, probably out of fear of being hurt.

I think the exact opposite is true. Women are encouraged to put up with any old shit because "no one is perfect" "that isn't abuse" "we all have our faults" etc.

Picking the person you have children with or commit to for life is an incredibly important decision. Once you are in the relationship and committed it is hard to get out. I think people should be more picky, not less.

I tthink both approaches stem from lack of confidence and a deep conviction that you are in charge.

One approach tells you to bend out of shape for any man that you meet, the other tells you to run a mile as soon as you spot certain behaviors, to call any quirk a "red flag" and to never forgive, give the benefit of doubt, be guarded, etc, because deep down you are still not confident, neither is your judgement, nor in your value. You are just faking it.

The right approach to dating is to be confident, discerning, open minded, having rules and boundaries, being forgiving, understanding that people are not perfect, and not letting your emotions or lust rule your decisions.

AnnaViaSalamanca you expressed exactly what I was trying to say in my OP but one million times better

Your friend was already in a FWB situation with this guy tho so they already knew each other mentally and physically. They weren't 'new' to each other

There are loads of board posts on that particular set up I haven't seen a general consensus that no way should a woman have a FWB in the 1st place.

As to the rest - it's good advice as ignoring red flags is the biggest time waster for a woman and can lead today dangerous situations, biological clock ticking away whilst time wasted on an abusive loser etc. So many things. There are some shocking posts on the Relationships board.

In the end everyone will do what they feel is best for themselves and I don't think there's a general MN consensus at all. & even if there is, take what you need from it but don't make it your mantra.

As long as advice isn't stay with a man at all costs and subdue who you are for the sake of having a man, then it's all good as far as I'm concerned.

Biological clock does mean that men are more able to afford to “waste time” with a woman who’s not committed, so I don’t think your example works as well in reverse.

And I read a zillion threads here from single mothers in difficult situations with their DC. Posters always ask “what about the child’s father? Why isn’t he stepping up to provide for his DC?” And the answers the posters give to that question tend to persuade me that there are far fewer women who are too fussy than ones who are not fussy enough.