Am I giving up too soon (or not soon enough)?

[Smozzles]

I've barely been married a year and for the entire time, I've been thinking of ending the marriage. I feel terribly guilty because I had a huge church wedding, took vows, put on a massive, generous party that we're still paying for and brought families together. I don't take any of that lightly but I somehow managed to put all of our problems to the back of my mind when I got caught up in the frenzy of engagement and marriage. I had a very short engagement and this was a huge mistake.

I've been with my H for many years (on and off) but our problems persist...We have wildly different communication styles and our families are very different. DH has a quick temper (but I'm in no way afraid of him) which drives me crazy. I don't feel we're emotionally connected, DH unintentionally upsets me all the time and I have concerns about having children with him because I think he may have low level Aspergers and he has dyslexia.

However, he does a lot around the house, he has a good job, he would never cheat and believe me, I know there are worse positions to be in BUT...

I am just not happy...this has never been the right relationship for me.

I am wracked with guilt at the thought of leaving a marriage so soon. Could I live with the guilt? Have any of you been in this situation?

There are two issues: leaving the marriage and leaving the wedding.

It seems more like your guilt is as much about the cost of the wedding than about leaving a relationship that isn’t working. An expensive party is no justification to continue a relationship that was never right.

It's better to end it sooner than hang on for the sake of saving face. You've been together years, so knowing he's not the man you want to have dc with, is pretty final. If you're sure about it not being right, then you need to end it.

Think about it this way, you're also stopping him from having the relationship and love he could have with someone else.

Thank you so much for your replies.

I don't think I'll ever be 100% sure because I know from experience that the alternative to married life with the wrong person isn't a walk in the park either. I've tried to broach it with H and I've suggested breaking up. He agrees in the heat of the moment but always takes a 360 turn the next day, acts like the conversation never happened and talks about future plans. Sometimes I don't know where he ends and I start.

The alternative to being married to the wrong person is surely to be married to the right person.

@TatianaLarina In an ideal world...but I know the initial alternative at least will be being single and facing the post-separation/divorce world. I'm feeling overwhelmed because due to my age, I think this is my last shot at children. If I leave my H, I most likely won't have children. I love children but I'd rather not have them than have them worrying it's with the wrong person.

Nothing can ever be certain. That's the problem. I can never be fully certain I'm doing the right thing. All I know is I have this constant chatter inside telling me this isn't right.

The chatter inside your head is your instinct and that should never be ignored. It will likely only get louder too.

Why did you marry if your relationship had been on/off for years also?.

It looks like you married the wrong person and now that decision is now coming back to haunt you. It seems that you were swept along by the whole short engagement leading to marriage and you felt you could not back out because of cost and or not wanting to disappoint family and friends. Sadly putting them first over your own self and happiness has cost you dearly and now you are looking at divorcing him.

I would not want to stay married to him just because of the expense incurred at the time. Better to be on your own as well than to be so badly accompanied. His temper is a red flag here as well, what is he like around work colleagues, his family of origin and other people. Does he flare up with them also or is this mainly reserved for you?. However, you cannot assume that he is anywhere on the ASD spectrum and what on earth do you mean by low level Aspergers anyway?. What gave you that idea of him, this shows that your whole understanding of ASD is extremely poor and borders on complete ignorance.

How old are you?

You have written about him before now haven’t you.

What has really changed aince that time?.

Thanks for your replies. I wrote hoping for some reassurance from people who had been there and maybe I'm just struggling with such a big decision.

your whole understanding of ASD is extremely poor and borders on complete ignorance

With respect, this is not true. Two of my immediate family are on the autism spectrum & I have worked successfully with people with ASD and have been told how successful. my work was by their own families. I actually have a very good understanding of it. Maybe the linguistics put you off. By 'low level' I mean that he has difficulty empathising & reading people but is sociable and doesn't have many of the other Aspergers traits. He's on the spectrum IMO but extremely high functioning.

Thanks for your replies. It's time for me to stand on my own two feet now. Best wishes.