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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Resent my parents

40 replies

LM101 · 02/12/2018 11:22

Not really sure what I’m after here but I am really starting to resent my parents since having kids.

They live just under an hour away and they only want to play the role of grandparent, they do love our children but don’t want to do babysitting or childcare. Which is fine apart from I can see myself getting jealous when I see other grandparents with their grandchildren. I feel like mine are missing out, not only would it be great for the kids but also help us out occasionally. All of my friends have been out for a meal since having kids and we haven’t, it would be nice to have even 30mins to ourselves. My parents have offered once but it’s on their terms I.e we had to visit them and stay over and it’s normally when brother and sisters have come to visit to see us so it all seems a bit rude to go off for dinner.
They are retired and don’t like to drive in the dark which seems like an excuse to me. They are still young and in their late 50s.
Having a second child I felt like we couldn’t rely on them so had to have friends on standby, which was lovely but none of my friend had to do that, they could all call their mums and dads when in labour.
My in laws want to be involved more than anything and would see the kids all the time if they weren’t still working and 3 hours away. I feel like moving closer to them.
I feel like I should just stop expecting and I then I won’t ever be disappointed? Any other tips on how I can get over myself?

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 02/12/2018 17:14

Clearly. A bit of self control would go a long way.

madmum5811 · 02/12/2018 17:19

My Mum wasnt interested at all, in laws aged, so babysitting was paid folk or part of a babysitting circle, which I recommend everyone to set up with friends. I just had to get on with it. Now a grandparent, we do help out ad hoc during the day but they pay babysitters to come on nights out.

You just have to work with what you have I am afraid.

sleepytoday · 02/12/2018 17:29

YABU if you're expecting childcare from them, but I don't think that's your point.

I think YANBU if you're saying you miss the occasional babysitting and, more importantly, can't understand (and are hurt by) the fact they don't want to be involved that much when so many other grandparents do.

We have exactly same scenario as you except my parents are much further away. They visit about six times a year (and we go to them probably another three times). But it is just that. In nearly five years they have only babysat when on holiday (paid for by us) and then only usually when kids asleep. When they visit, it is just that and I find myself running around to look after them.

How did I get over it ? Well it still pisses me off - especially when (with no hint of irony) she talks about her best friend who has her grandchildren regularly.
However, I have realised that as my children have grown that I probably don't really want them spending too much time unsupervised with my parents, they are not good at play and get impatient / don't have much imagination and they are not safety aware. Second, I do ask for help/ favours with things they do enjoy, cooking, mending/ making clothes, DIY, which they are much more keen to provide.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/12/2018 17:39

TatianaLarina so sticking to the thread in question do you think OP is being unreasonable or are you just the literal police cross checking other posters comments?

TatianaLarina · 02/12/2018 17:50

I’ve already commented.

AJPTaylor · 02/12/2018 17:53

What relationship did you have with your own grandparents?

Jubba · 02/12/2018 17:55

I have barely any help from grandparents. I chose to have these children. They are my responsibility. I want to go out. We hire a babysitter. Emergencies. I have some friends I could call. I often see grandparents doing all the childcare. I have none of that ever. But I don’t resent them. It’s their loss.

Sometimes you just got to suck it up. They’ve made it obvious. If you have another child you know what to expect. You must have some friends who could help if you went into labour. Or you can take the child with you. It’s not impossible.

BackInTheRoom · 02/12/2018 18:01

I've seen so many posts over the years about this. It's sad.

user1471462428 · 02/12/2018 18:05

I have Mumsnet parents but what really hurts is they help my sisters. I find myself really distancing myself from them. As a result I’ve had to turn to friends in an emergency and I’ve realised how great they are. In return we’ve done childcare favours and really enjoyed having their kids. I feel sorry for my parents as we’ve really enjoyed our children and they never will. After Brexit we’re considering emigrating. If we had stronger family ties I wouldn’t consider it.
When I have grandchildren I hope we can as supportive as possible and if we are lucky be involved in lives.

SilverLining10 · 02/12/2018 18:51

How bloody entitled are you? They dont owe you anything. The audacity of you to make children and then feel 'resentful' that they dont provide childcare. If you want to go out hire a babysitter.

pallasathena · 02/12/2018 19:22

I'm a grandparent and a very involved one too.
However, it's often a thankless experience (their parents not the lovely grands) It can be difficult dealing with adult children who adopt an unstructured way of parenting and who take gently offered, experienced advice as criticism. I see so much performance parenting when out and about....its a bit depressing sadly.

madmum5811 · 02/12/2018 19:25

Pallas. I dont judge parenting, things have changed so much and I had my last child 17 years ago. My problem is juggling between two families with children and being even handed so I do not upset either families by appearing to be favouring one over the other.

It is a tightwalk sometimes.

Rachelle3211 · 02/12/2018 19:33

Why do you think they don't care about your kids? I'm sure they care, they just don't want to babysit. They offered once, ask them again. It's ok for them to offer on their terms.
We've never had help, ds has sn so help would be nearly impossible any ways. I never really think about what my friends have. I know people post a lot on here about this and it almost seems destructive. If you are only looking at what your parents aren't doing you'll stop appreciating what they actually do.

Mrskeats · 02/12/2018 19:37

Let’s hope they don’t feel entitled to any help as they get older then silver
What a mean spirited horrible post

ArkAtEee · 02/12/2018 21:32

It can be difficult. The in-laws would help but live 2 hours away. Since we had our child, my parents were ill and one has died, so no help there, they needed help from us. It would have been nice but sending our child to nursery has resulted in having access to some reliable paid babysitters in the nursery nurses and well-developed social skills etc in our child. Since our child has been at school, we have made some friends with the kids parents at school and we all help each other out. It does get easier.

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