Married for 15 years, 3 dcs together. Husband was abusive for the first 10 years. Would get drunk every weekend, very verbally abusive, I was scared of his key turning in the lock because I never knew what he'd be like when he returned from the pub. He'd piss in the corner of the bedroom, smash things up in the house or fall into things causing damage. He'd sleep all day at weekends. With first 2 dcs he never changed a nappy, got up in the night or really played any part in the work of child rearing. Physically violence to me on one occasion. Controlled finances by making me pay half towards household costs when I earned less. This left me with no money while he had loads to spend.
5 years ago I realised I was being abused and made plans to leave. Found out I was pg so decided to try and work things out. I called him out on all his behaviour and he stopped getting drunk and stopped doing all of those abusive things. In some ways, that made me more angry because it showed me that he could have treated me right at any time but chose not to. He's been very much involved in parenting since then and I know he's trying to make up for the bad times.
But I'm not happy. I feel guilty I can't forgive him but I can't make myself feel something I don't. I've tried to tell him how I feel but he just dismisses it and then acts as though everything is normal. I've been cowardly really because I've gone along with that pretence usually and focused my energies on work and the house, which distract me from how I feel. He won't leave. I don't think I have the strength to divorce him whilst living with him. What do I do?