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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Different parenting styles

8 replies

Blogjog · 02/12/2018 00:30

DH and I agree on most things except for one.

When dcs are unwell, DH gets sad, serious and anxious and mollycoddles them regardless of what it is.

My approach is to soothe with lots of cuddles and kisses better and with a “you’ll be as right as rain soon” sort of approach.

I think it comes from our own different family styles.

His family are lovely but any kind of illness is treated with, what it seems to me, over seriousness. For example a cold is treated with a life or death sort of sympathy.

I wonder if it has anything to do with my brother growing up with a life threatening illness which thankfully he recovered from but maybe that has affected my perception of what is normal. My parents dealt with his illness with humour and positivity and never made him feel that the illness was going to get the better of him. So if anyone had a minor ailment such as a cold or such, their approach was what I learnt to be the norm.

I find DH’s approach a bit indulgent and I’m concerned that our dcs will grow up to be too soft when it comes to illness. And at worst, see illness as a way of attention.

I realise there is no right or wrong way. But it is causing tension between us as he has expressed upset that I’m uncaring if any of his family has a cold for example and I don’t take it seriously.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 02/12/2018 07:19

I think there's room for both approaches. The sad and serious isn't good....but nothing wrong with mollycoddling a child who isn't well.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 02/12/2018 07:24

I think your approach is more healthy. My DH and his family are like yours, we live overseas and the amount of times he has made the 3000 mile trip home because someone is on their deathbed is unreal. Yeah, I know I sound really heartless but none of them have died, or been even remotely seriously ill. When there really is an emergency I am fearful that my patience will have run out!

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 02/12/2018 07:25

*my DH’s family is like your husband’s family.

OhHolyJesus · 02/12/2018 07:30

I have something similar and we haven't really altered our approaches.

(I have lied about administering anti biotics when I haven't as I thought it unnecessary).

I don't think it will change but DS seems pretty hardy during illness so I hope he leans more towards my 'right as rain' approach naturally and kids generally bounce back well so maybe it won't be a real issue until his teens when he will just lie in bed all day?!

It's a tricky one - can you talk to your DH about it?

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/12/2018 08:01

I don't think the mollycoddling is necessarily a bad thing, but I would be concerned about showing anxiety/sadness to the children when their illness was really minor and easily recoverable from. Not sure what you could do to change his reactions though, as it sounds quite ingrained. Other than discuss it and talk about why he feels that way, without making it an argument about the best way to handle these things.

Blogjog · 02/12/2018 10:33

I agree with you Assassinated. A bit of mollycoddling is ok but it’s the seriousness that I feel gives a confusing message to the children.

I am concerned that they are going to grow up see any small illness as a means of getting out of things/means for attention/excuse for laziness etc. I’ve already noticed in our youngest that he has started to expect treats when he gets ill.

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 02/12/2018 10:36

But poorly ds get no game time. Lots of rest and toast only.
Dc never ill over here!!
Hard me!!

Blogjog · 02/12/2018 12:00

Snow Grin

That would be my approach too if it weren’t for DH.

OP posts:
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