Perspective needed

[Trustafteraffair]

I need some help as right now I’m upset and can’t see the wood for the trees.
14 months ago, doh admitted to a 9 month affair. It hasn’t been easy but we’ve been trying to work things through.
Tonight he was out on a work team Xmas do. The same team which she worked in although she left before the affair started. It may be irrational but knowing that some of her friends are still within that team make me feel insecure.
Dh knew I was feeling insecure but I wanted him to go to prove that I can have some trust in him. He went out at 6 not giving me a time he’d be back. He sent me a general text on the way down and then we had a couple of texts about something to do with the house. And then nothing. I’m so hurt that he didn’t think to check in with me and how I was feeling. I’ve spent the whole evening worrying about it and eventually I text him and we get into a massive text fight.
He got home at 11.30 and has basically said I’ve done nothing wrong and should trust him and be over it.
I’m trying. I’m trying to trust him but I feel that he needs to help build up that trust too. Normally he’s been so good and tonight it felt like he didn’t care.

If you've made the decision to forgive him, you actually have to do that. You can't just make him think about it and appease you all the time. A works night out should make you not think about anything other than enjoying yourself. I could understand if she was there but it's just her old colleagues. You need to give the guy some room, or admit that you haven't really gotten over it at all.

I think you should have agreed that he needs to text you more - he wasn't out for that long, or back that late. Also surely you could trust him with her friends, he is probably embarassed in front of then if they knew about the affair - if anything I'd be more insecure if it was a new group.
So yeah, a bit irrational - understandable but you do need to spell it out what you expect from him in terns of support.

I totally admit that I haven’t got over it. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong tonight. But I can’t see that you’ll ever totally stop feeling insecure or ‘over it’ due to what he did. I suppose you’ve got to have a think about whether you want to continue living your life carrying these feelings. I hope you find peace either way.

It really isn't up to you to somehow summon up this trust out of nowhere and with nothing to work with. It's up to him to regain it by proving himself to be trustworthy. So yes, he should have been texting all night. He should have been putting himself out in order to help repair the mess HE created by having an affair.

But people who have affairs can never be bothered - if they had any ability to take responsibility for their actions, they wouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

It was an affair that lasted nearly a year so getting over it is going to take a while, if ever; it's not like a drunken one-night stand or something, it took planning and consistent deceit.

I think in future, you should agree a level of contact while he's out beforehand.

It's also OK to come to the conclusion that's it's broken beyond repair, if you're at that point. You've tried.

You should trust him and be over it?? Sorry but sod that attitude. He broke your trust by lying and cheating for nearly a year. Unfortunately I think you are well within your rights to insecure. That is his fault, not yours. I would also expect a higher level of effort on his part to be showing you he can be trusted, instead of just expecting it.

Seems like you're the one doing all the "trying" and "proving" while your DH swans about doing what he wants and then gets arsey with you. Doesn't sound as though he's really that sorry or cares that much about you or your feelings at all.

I'd change my approach OP.
You can't change anyone, you can only change the way you react and respond to that person.
And you can't turn on the magic trust button just by wishing things were different.
What you have to do is radically change your mindset and develop a Plan A and a Plan B.
Plan A is about maintaining the status quo which means you follow the forgiveness plan and stop second guessing him.
Take the approach that you've already made the commitment to forgive and you have to follow this through. It will give you some sort of respite just accepting and 'doing', the forgiveness thing.
Plan B is about what to do if he falls off the wagon and you discover another affair sometime in the future or you realise that the 'forgiveness thing just isn't working.
For Plan A and Plan B to work, you need to be less invested in the relationship than you currently are and that's really hard...but not impossible.
Invest in yourself now.
What are your hopes and dreams? What makes you happy and content? If your answer revolves solely around another person then you are far too much invested in that person than is good for your mental health. Take a step back. Take control of your life.
If you can forgive and eventually forget then the future could be ok.
If you think that you can never trust him again...then its time to move on.