trying again after separation

[mycatsadog]

looking for advice from people who may have been through similar.
My story - married 20 years, grown up DC. Both good jobs/decent salaries, nice middle class life. Been on the outside at least very happy over the years, partner works hard, fair share of housework, trusthworthy and generally a very good person.

BUT....about 8 years ago I experienced a significant mental trauma which resulted in me self-medicating with alcohol. Drinking escalated - binges, secret drinking, drinking alone, sometimes even at work. Didn't drink every day and had periods of being in control of it, but largely have been pretty awful over the past 3 years or so. I've embarrassed myself, my partner, friends and children. I've shown myself up in front of colleagues and spoiled many nights out/holidays. Partner drinks too but not to excess. Partner "warned" me about my drinking in so much as told me they would not be hanging around if I didn't get it under control - but didn't actually do anything constructive to help me.

Three months ago, it came out that partner had been having and emotional affair with a colleague and left me and to make the affair physical - I truly believe it wasn't physical until after they left. I was completely broken but I have held it together and after a rough few weeks, have got the drinking under control. Partner is not living with the affair partner (staying with a relative) and we have been largely no contact. Friends have told me partner has been struggling recently and I've been getting texts from partner of an emotional nature - asking after me, apologising for what they did and how things have turned out etc. A very close friend has told me earlier that partner has told them they miss me very much, acknowledge the reasons for my drinking and that they didn't help or support me in my time of need and basically that they want to try again. Partner has not used those words with me but has hinted.

So my head is a mess. I did not want to separate but was starting to come through the fog. I have got over my fear of being on my own and have started doing things I used to do years ago but stopped doing as partner did not enjoy these things. I've started to see that I could be on my own and still have a good life......but I do still love partner.

So I just don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about the pros and cons of getting back together and trying again. Its driving me crazy and feel like it has set me right back to when we separated when I could think of nothing else. Is there anyone been through similar? The things making me think it could work are that I do think we both still love each other, I can understand why partner was so unhappy due to my drinking and being a mean/embarassing drunk and we were overall a good team over the most of the 20 years. But I don't know if I can get over the hurt from the affair and if I'm honest, that partner did not support me at my time of greatest need. But living with an alcoholic/problem drinker is shit and I am in no doubt about how awful my behaviour was at times so I can understand why partner thought they wanted out.

Any advice is welcome. Thanks for reading.

I think you need to start by talking to each other and finding out where you're both at. You won't find the answers by trying to second guess all the potential outcomes of how he feels if that makes sense. It's ok to have that conversation and not find an answer but to come away with things to think about and just an understanding of where you're both at. Then come away and mull it over.

In terms of his lack of support, if I'm interpreting what I'm reading correctly, you haven't long since had the drinking under control. Whilst I don't have any personal experience here, from what I understand it won't be a short journey and whilst it's something you need to do largely by yourself, if you choose to give things another go, you will still need his support in coming months so you could see how that goes? But I'd be clear how you feel he can support you.

Good luck and well done on battling your demons and getting yourself to what sounds like quite a positive place at a really difficult time.

When you say that you have your drinking under control, what does that actually mean? Have you got help or is it just you're moderating yourself presently? You say earlier you've had periods of having it under control, so what are you doing differently to make this time stick?

It's no point really considering getting back together if you're likely to fall back into the same pattern.

Your focus needs to be on dealing with your own mental health and alcoholism. Stopping for 2-3 months is nothing, particularly in terms of the impact on your MH and thinking patterns.

Self medicating for 3 years means you never dealt with you MH properly if at all. I’m not going to diagnose or recommend treatment. You need medical help. As an adult with MH issues and an alcohol problem it was up to you to get help. Nobody else could do it for you.

Being in a relationship with somebody who has a MH illness is incredibly difficult and painful. Even more so if they don’t make any effort to help themselves and it would hell if they drank. Most people would have given up on you after months rather than years. You weren’t responsible for your illness but you, and only you, were responsible for your drinking and your decision not to follow medical advice.

I don’t know if or how much he or the relationship may have contributed to the illness. However by staying with you he enabled you to be a drunk. He is probably co dependent. But those are things caused by your drinking. He shouldn’t be with you until you are sober and healthy. You are no where near that.

Its said you always regret what you didnt do not what you did, so i would say try again with him, and if it doesnt work you can walk away knowing you gave it another go. Worst scenario would be to give up on things now and regret it months down the line but one of you has already moved on and the chance to try again is no longer on the table. Just discuss with each other your expectations of how you want the relationship to be, going forward. Good luck.

Thank you for your replies.
@Needsomebottle - yes, totally agree. Part of me is terrified of evening having the conversation as I was doing everything to emotionally detach from him and move on with my life.
@category12 - under control in so much as I have stopped drinking except for a small amount socially. I am not the person with no "off switch" - I find it easy to have one small glass of wine only when for example, out for dinner. In the last 7 weeks, I have had two glasses of prosecco and a Baileys over three nights out for dinner with friends. My problem was drinking to seek oblivion - it was a choice at that time rather than an inability to not drink/be unable to stop. I never get cravings for alcohol as such and find it easy to not drink if I am not mentally freaking out - my "craving" is to be passed out so that I don't feel anything. I am in therapy through my employer and also paying privately for CBT as waiting list was very long.

@LemonTT - I agree that I need to sort myself out first and that only I can do that. I think there was a bit of enabling and codependency. I think he initially felt sorry for me due to the emotional trauma - he knows about it and it really is so hideous I can't even bring myself to say what it was on an anonymous forum like mumsnet. It was a family secret dating back decades but it explains the awful family dynamics I grew up with. Sadly the person who was the victim is no longer alive and I am not able to make peace with them knowing now what they went through. I am working through this in counselling so that I can understand certain things from my childhood, let go of them and "forgive" certain things and people.
@Livelovebehappy - I have a friend who also said this - but with the provisio that I need to be sure that I can be okay on my own so that I don't stick with him for the wrong reasons.....so I know I still need to get better mentally and to be independent, self-sufficient and not afraid of being on my own.

The other issue is that he will still be in touch with OW through work - not on a daily basis but there will be contact. I don't know how I feel about that - I don't think it was anything special about her - I think it was just that she made it easy for him. She's had a thing for him for years and actually asked him out when they started working in the same place, claiming she didn't know he was married (no wedding ring at work due to nature of employment). I am only his second relationship - the first one being from high school until he went away to University and they drifted apart. We met at University and have been together since - he really isn't the flirty type or type to chat anyone up. So I think she was just there, available and basically would have picked up and ran with the baton at the slightest bit of interest from him - although I am not excusing him or saying that he was powerless to her charms......I think she was just an easy escape route. But at the same time, how would I feel knowing he is still in the vicinity of someone he has slept with? Changing jobs for him is not really an option and I don't think she will leave.

I left my DP of 21 years 9 months ago after several years of misery. We have 2 young adult DC.

My DP and I still live apart but get on a million times better, go on holiday together, show and feel love. Sometimes being apart is the right answer and doesn't need to mean you don't have them in your life

What I hear from your posts are an interest in and desire to, focus on yourself and your needs and wants, and this is so much healthier and easier to do alone.

I'd stay apart but friends and see how that pans out for you. Things do not have to be binary.

@buckingfrolicks - thank you for your post. I know I 100% need to focus on myself and my needs and I am absolutely adamant that if we do start again (I am using start again rather than try again as it needs to be a new start and not just a rehash of before) it won't be in the immediate future.

Although I did not want to split and was devastated, I now know I can survive without him as a partner which gives me confidence that I will be okay if things don't work out as a couple. Friends first and see how things go would be my plan. I also have several "demands" that he might not like but are non-negotiable - if he doesn't agree to them (and they are not ridiculous) then he is just looking to go back to "before" which is not what I want.