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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me get my ducks in a row...

14 replies

ch6543 · 01/12/2018 21:21

If you've been here before, tell me what I need to do.

Need out. He is emotionally and financially abusive. Repeatedly. Can't afford to leave but can't stay.

What do you do first? Help me think clearly.

OP posts:
Lemmeavebru · 01/12/2018 21:27

Watching thread as I also am in a similar situation.

CoconutQueen · 01/12/2018 22:02

Make sure you have lots of written notes of examples of his behaviour, with dates etc if poss. This may be very useful if legal proceedings come about at any point. And even if they don't, it will be useful just for your own mind to read back the evidence if you are ever feeling wobbly about the decision you have made.

CoconutQueen · 01/12/2018 22:05

Get copies of all his financial business as much as you can, i.e. pay slips, p60, bank statements. Keep them somewhere he won't find them, ie at work or with someone you totally trust or rent safekeeping box in a bank or other storage facility. Also put important document s ie passports etc in there, plus whatever cash you can scrape together.

Original poster
ch6543 · 01/12/2018 23:32

Thank you.

Head whirling. Where to start? Who to call?

Handhold to Lemmeavebru. It's shit, isn't it?

OP posts:
Musti · 01/12/2018 23:38

Are you married? Look at entitled.com to see what financial help you'd get. Are you working?

Original poster
ch6543 · 02/12/2018 00:40

Yes I'm married and working freelance but not earning that much.

OP posts:
KeysHairbandNotepad · 02/12/2018 00:49

You may not wish to say but a few details would help us to help you. Do you have children together? What's your housing situation? Rent or own? Tenancy agreement in your name ,his , or both?

Have you sought legal advice yet? If not , a good place to start would be women's aid , phone them and they will point you in the right direction.

Just in case I lose track of this thread I want to wish you well. You can do this op. Good luck.

Original poster
ch6543 · 02/12/2018 01:28

Rent, yes have children together. Married for a long time.

Thank you Keys. Good to have the name of an organisation to start with.

OP posts:
Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 02/12/2018 01:34

In what way is he emotionally abusive? Do you think it could ever turn physical?

Do you have the children's passports safely away (in a place he doesn't know)? Others will have really good tips here, but I would make sure you have copies of all important documents, the details of as much as your household finances and his finances as you possibly can.

If he has a tendency to spy on you/be controlling, make sure you are sufficiently covering your tracks.

Do you have any savings?

Original poster
ch6543 · 02/12/2018 02:30

Bugger all savings. Massive debts. Joint but nearly all in my name only.

OP posts:
KeysHairbandNotepad · 02/12/2018 04:05

Thanks for your reply ,if your children are small then your situation is similar to mine when I was in an abusive relationship.

Firstly, the debts can be looked at once you're safely away. Give stepchange a call when you're settled elsewhere and they can walk you through the best course of action. They're a great , non-scary charity that advise so many people.

So it looks like you'll be walking away from a joint tenancy agreement? This can be financially messy but don't let it stop you leaving. This can be sorted at a distance. Legal advice before you leave is important so discuss with your solicitor once you have one.

Now when I left my kids were small and I was advised to get something called a prohibited steps order to stop exh from taking them from me. He'd threatened to do so if I left. If they're grown up this is obviously irrelevant.

As pps have said do gather your documents before you go. My advice to you is to know where they all are and move them to a folder in a safe place the day before you leave. So that's birth certificates , marriage certificate, passports , and also recent bank statements if you have them. Writing down events and info on when and how he's been abusive will be helpful for when you speak to your solicitor and file divorce.

Weenurse · 02/12/2018 06:53

💐

schooltripwoes · 02/12/2018 07:33

Read this thread by coatsprotectionleague - lots of excellent practical advice:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

Stressedoverkids · 02/12/2018 09:06

ThanksSituation can become violent quickly once he knows you are planning to go so cover your tracks carefully. Make sure he can't find this thread.

Make sure you have your own identity documents so passport, driving license, utility bill etc

If you have only a joint account he may clean it out. However if you open a new one don't forget the letters will come to that address.

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