Married and lonely

[YoungWife]

Hi Everyone,

I am very new to mumsnet, but I am here because I found myself reading a lot here on various issues and I appreciate how wise and supportive many of you are. I would really appreciate your advice here too.

We've been married for 4 years now and have known each other since early teens. I love him deeply and he is my best friend.

I have recently found myself feeling very lonely and unsupported.

Both of us work full time and I have to say, I am very successful. He has recently been feeling unfulfilled at work and decided to do an MSc part time, which means spending two evenings a week in lectures.

He made that decision - I supported him.

Situation now is - he spends almost every evening either studying in the library or at his lectures/seminars. He seems to enjoy it and I am very happy for him. However, I can't help but feel secondary and unimportant.

Some examples of things that set me off are below:

• He started missing and forgetting about activities we planned to do together;
• I was recently very ill and he still went to study in the evening - i struggled to even make myself some food.

Anyway - nothing "bad" is happening yet, but i can't help but feel abandoned and lonely.

On top of that, I already do pretty much all of the duties (bills, sorting the house, cleaning, repairs, money and banking) and it's really been taking a toll on me recently (we moved into a new place). With him being "busy" all the time, I just feel like more things are slipping away as I can't (and shouldn't) handle absolutely everything.

All of the above has been made clear to him. Our sex life is non existent. All of this combined makes me feel very lonely.

Any thought and advice very much appreciated.

You’re his partner, not his maid.

What did he say when you talked to him?

Why don’t you sit your husband down and explain all this to him. Tell him you feel lonely, that all his studying and you being sidelined is making you happy. Tell him you miss the intimacy you once shared.

Perhaps organise some time each week just for you and him. Got on date nights. Have a weekend away once in a while.

@8FencingWire
He said that he is sorry it's making me feel that way and that he will try and make time. So far this "making time" looks like this: he asks If I want to go out for dinner on Saturday, I happily agree. Comes Saturday - he has planned nothing, so we don't go.

@maximumcarnage
I did, I think I will do this again and again until my point comes across. I honestly think he tries, but so far his "trying" really doesn't yield any results (see point above). I feel that he tries after I speak to him, then slips back into being "busy". A very strange situation to be in

"Comes Saturday - he has planned nothing, so we don't go."

how did that work? You could just go anywhere, even just for a pizza if he didn't prebook anything?

@Grace212
He was acting all day as If he didn't promise we'd go out. I asked, he said "sorry, I forgot, can we go another day". I guess that's that!

oh I see - that's a different thing. Do you think he's lying or that he genuinely forgot?

@Grace212
I think (and hope) he genuinely forgot, but either way it makes me feel like I don't matter

I'm really sorry OP, but is there any chance he's seeing someone else?

it's great to be so enthused about studies, but sadly the comments about forgetting, and then not being able to make it tonight etc...

There are times that one of you will need to focus more on something else. His course is demanding, so it's expected that he'll have have less time for you.

Next time he says we'll be going out on X day... tell him it's best to pur a reminder in his phone, so he doesn't forget.

It's important to be a supportive partner to him. He wants to advance his knowledge/career/prospects and that's commendable.

If it means you need to sort out a date night during this time...then do it... and ensure he keeps the night clear. Of course you do need to check it's a convenient time for him first.

Suggest find things to do in your local area, so could be things like; market, theatre, cinema, sports, fair, animals, charity, volunteering, food. If you can't agree to do something the first day, what about the next day ? Is there somewhere you can go for a walk in a park, near river, countryside, seaside. If he will not go with you, go yourself. Go shopping, art gallery, museum. Do you have weekends away, holidays ? It depends on your budget. However, feeding the ducks in a park doesn't cost much. Why are you not spending time together ?

What about a music gig ? Or Christmas Carol's, Christmas food ?

Do you not have your own identity.
I mean that’s an aside. Because he’s clearly not really caring about your feelings, but I worry you’re 100% this relationship and he’s not.

I think a lot of women place their values in their relationship according to how many romantic gestures they get. Clearly he doesn't think like that and you're taking it as a personal affront when it happens, leaving you feeling devalued and alone. Right now his head is full of other things. Part of that is understandable. Part of that is selfish. You chose to support him in this venture and perhaps you were a bit naive about how demanding it would be. You need to decide what is really important in this situation, and let him finish his course. Marriages go through times when things are tough. But if he has time and chooses not to spend it with you (and I don't mean over going out with his friends- he'll want to do that as in his head he sees you every day), then you have a problem. And as for Saturday, why did you sit about with hurt feeling rather than say, 'actually I've missed you and I don't want to go out some other time. Let's just go out and have some fun' ? You are playing a victim in this situation when you actually have more control. Think about that.