I am very socially awkward in a group of people! Please Help!

[skittleboy]

Hello

I have real trouble with group conversations. (3 or more people) I find them impossible. 1-1 is easy, you can't go wrong. But with group conversations I just can't fit in. Everyone else is sat round the table talking, laughing and joking and I'm just sat there really awkward, saying nothing, not knowing where to look, how to look or what to say. I'm not involved at all. I hate it and it's so frustrating.

Everyone is so judgemental, people always ask 'Why don't you say anything? Why don't you give your opinion? I don't blame them at all for this. This is not normal, I'm the only person in the world that has this problem. They can't comprehend it just like I can't comprehend how they can talk as a group and take it for granted.

I can't explain why I'm like this. I can't even explain it to myself. I will try but this only goes so far to explaining it. Take this with a pinch of salt: Part of it is that I just don't have an opinion on what they are saying. Like the other day they were talking about baboons. I have absolutely no opinion on baboons whatsoever. Nothing to say. I can't even make something up. Even if they are talking about something I know about like 'the idiocy of Donald Trump' I still can't chip in because I feel that what I say will be very 'forced' and there is no real need to say it. It's like saying something just for the sake of it. So I don't say it.

When I tell people about my problem they give the cliche response of 'the more you do it the better you will get' Not helpful. I go out socially loads and I'm not getting any better the more I do it. I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out.

It's sometimes a tiny tiny bit better If I'm doing a pub quiz because if I know an answer I can say it out load and that gets me a bit more involved.

I'm a member of a walking group and that is less awkward because I can just talk to whoever is walking next to me or I can just say nothing at all and no one cares. But when we go for drinks afterwards and there is 5 of us sat round a table the pressure is on to talk. You can't just sit there and say nothing can you?

I'm not a shy person as such, just awkward in groups.

I'm at a complete loss as to what to do.

Can you help?

I have a real distrust of therapists but are there any self-help books you can recommend?

Thank you.

I’m exactly the same. In my workplace there are 12 of us in the office and 8 can be talking in a group together and I find it extremely hard if not impossible to even say one word...I hate it...I hate it with a passion. I’m not shy shy, maybe not the most outgoing but I’m not stupid yet can’t join in.
I’m the same as I’m ok in 1:1s too.

I'm like this with certain groups.
I'm absolutely fine with groups associated with my "hobby" ie. music. I have plenty to talk about and can join in. It's easy to start conversations because you just chat about the rehearsal you've just had etc and it goes from there.
However, I am hopeless with other groups where I don't have much in common with the others. Also, if I know nothing or very little about a topic I really can't join in - I'm not going to make up shit and waffle on.
The baboons thing made me laugh! Sorry, I do sympathize - I'd also have had absolutely nothing to say and would have though "Why the hell are we talking about baboons?"
So I'm interested to hear what suggestions others have - I'd like to be able to join in in situations not related to my hobby.

True story! Baboons is a strange subject but literally everyone else there (10+ people) had something to say about it. Except me. This shows how bad my problem is.

What did they say about baboons?
The only thing I can recall about baboons is that 20 years ago at university I went out drinking with some friends and we saw a guy that I knew (and didn't like because he was an idiot) and one of my friends said he looked like a baboon so we kept shouting baboooooon all night (not at the guy, just randomly)
I don't think I'm poorly educated either.... it's just such a bizarre topic of conversation.

I think they are unusual in all having something on the spot to say about baboons.

Some people need longer to work out what they want to say on a subject. Or can only really talk about subjects they have a particular interest in.

I wouldn't hang about with people who are so judgmental about it. You don't have to have an instant reposte on every subject and if they don't like that, it is their problem, not yours.

You can be confident and quiet. It's great!

I’m a bit like this, really only in groups where I don’t know people or I really want them to like me. I think I got worse for a while as I stressed about it so much. DP is supportive if we go somewhere like this together which helps. One thing you can do, though use this strategy infrequently, is say eg I’ve never given a moment’s thought to baboon’s before, don’t we end up taking about some weird stuff/how the hell did the conversation end up here. So that you are contributing without actually adding to the topic? Or agree with the second last person who you actually agree with eg I’m with Tim on Brecht, he’s summed it up for me. What do you think Jenny?

Brexit, not Brecht!

Do you feel exhausted after being in the company of lots of people it sounds like you could be an introvert.
Extroverts get their energy from other people in effect sucking all the energy from an introvert leaving them tired and needing to “recover” from social situations in other words recharge. There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert we’re all different it’s what makes the world go round.
Some people like to entertain and others like to be entertained.
It just sounds like you are very conscious of your quiet nature which is maybe causing some social anxiety? Unfortunately there’s really nothing you can do introverts are introverts you can’t change who you are so just be yourself and socialise with a few close friends at a time.

I know exactly how you feel about thinking what you say will sound forced.

When I was growing up I was told to only say something if it added something to the conversation, so I don't like small talk (pointless, not really saying anything).

I also get frustrated in meetings. So much pointless crap is spoken. People state the obvious and everyone nods sagely. People ask questions when the answer has already been given. I am sure people just like the sound of their own voice sometimes.

Read 'Quiet' it will help you to understand why you feel like you do.

Just wanted to say you are not alone!! I could have written your post. I hold down a well paid job where I manage a team & I am fine in a work or quiz situation but get me in a group social thing & my mind goes blank! I can’t count the number of times I’ve spent in the loo just to get away & temp recharge. My DH (prob soon to be ex but that’s another forum!) is the complete opposite & basically dumps me as soon as we arrive at social stuff leaving me to fend for myself). Very stressful but I’ve learned I’m not weird just an introvert & that’s not a crime! Life is too short to keep trying to be who you’re not & it doesn’t make you a bad person. Xx

I agree that you shouldn't try to be something your not. I'm never going to be the life and soul of the party and I'm OK with that. However I really should be able to talk in a group of 3 people. At the moment I can't and I need to change.

And I want to join in. I enjoy talking and socialising. I work on my own which is quite lonely so when I'm out I want to make the most of it.

These talkers who can hold the stage are performers in a way.They are confident that what they have to say is amusing and interesting. Do you always find that it is? Maybe not! We're not all performers, thank goodness, so no need to be hard on yourself.

Realistically, in larger groups there isn't time or space for everyone to chime in. That's okay. For every talker, you have to have a listener and if it's not 1:1, there will be multiple listeners. Statistically, you will spend more time listening than talking.

I just follow the conversation by looking at the person talking, laughing at the funny stuff, raising my eyebrows at the surprising stuff, throwing in a "omg' or "wha?" or a "no way" that are just tossed out there, not to gain a response. The easiest way to contribute is to ask a question.

Do you have an idea of why you don't talk? What the fear is?

I know diddly-squat about baboons myself, so I would just listen, maybe learn something, toss in a few "oh reallys" and if the spotlight came to me, I would just say, "I live a baboon-free life, so I got nothing" or "I've never met a baboon" and just laugh. It's a true statement.

I mean a lot of talk is minutia about nothing, but you can't lose focus over that - the point of conversation is to make connections, share a laugh - and not so much about Fun Facts about Baboons. The subject matter doesn't really matter.

I am like this too. Somehow I go schtum as soon as a fourth person is added to the group. You are not alone OP...

Did you some up with any solutions?