Parents' comments on parenting

[thethirdbiscuiteer]

I have always had a complex relationship with my parents, who I feel are controlling, critical and anxiety-prone. It is probably a cultural thing - they're first generation immigrants in the UK from an East Asian country - in part, who knows.

I had a baby close to a year ago, and they were obviously delighted. They live far away and can't visit often, so I regularly send them photos of the baby. The problem is, they often make comments like 'what's that scratch on her face', 'is that a mole on her leg', 'what's this blemish', 'is she warm enough dressed like that', 'is that chair safe', etc.

I find these comments really unnecessary and annoying. All they need to say is 'that's cute', right? I've gently told them many times not to worry, everything is fine, and they always reply they're not worried, it's just a comment and I'm too sensitive. But it doesn't feel like 'just a comment', it feels intrusive and critical.

Further context, during my pregnancy and just after the baby was born, my parents drove me up the wall with their constant worrying and comments. They fretted when I went out on my own, when I carried 'heavy' things when pregnant, and kept questioning my decision and ability to breastfeed ('are you sure you have enough milk?').

So, are these comments benign and I'm too sensitive, or should I once more gently but firmly tell my parents to stop making these comments?

It may be a cultural thing but its more than likely they are the ways they are because of how they were themselves raised. Their own parents did this to them and now they are doing this to you further via your child.

What are your boundaries like with regards to your parents?. I would consider not contacting them and sending photos as frequently as you are doing for a start. You need to put mental distance as well as physical distance between you and they.

You may well want to read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Yeah my parents are like this - south East Asian too. Everytime my son gets a cold - I get the whole ‘why does he have a cold again?’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

South Asian. Yeah both my Mum and MIL are like this. They mean well. I laugh now and say, ‘I am past 35 you know with two kids, relax!’ And the ‘are they warm enough?’ Yes man, they are. They don’t really need a sweater and a set of socks inside a fully centrally heated house. My Mum was also very concerned about whether the baby was drinking enough (how will you know how much with breastmilk?) but MIL had breastfed two kids so she was more helpful.
DH and I could write a book about the things our parents have said!

I wouldn’t see it as intrusive and critical. In our culture we don’t effusively declare we love our children and I think some of this is a way of expressing love/concern. I am much more openly affectionate with my kids than my parents were. Wait, till they are old enough to start ‘learning’ things and going to school. The comments ramp up to a whole another level. You have to find some way to laugh about it or you will go mad.

My mum is the same, she moved here from the West Indies when she was six.

I'm 39, my daughter is four and I'm 23 weeks pregnant with #2

She texts daily to ask how she is, did she sleep well, is she ok.

I get texts from her telling me not to take my daughter to her swimming lesson if she's got a cough.

If it's cold outside she rings to make sure my daughter is wearing a coat. Yes, in winter just in case I don't put a coat on her?!?!! 🙈

It's endless and draining. My emotions go from being exasperated to thinking it's lovely she cares so much

Drives me BONKERS!

Just to add I love her very much and see her at least once a week

Still drives me up the wall though 😂😂

My mum is like this. I just have to remind myself that she is like this with everything, not just my parenting. I've had comments like 'oh I hope he won't become a bully' when pushed his younger brother and 'do you think he has adhd' about my 2 year old. No mum. He's a toddler. I try not to take it personally, and just let it go. She's not intentionally being mean or questioning you as such. She's just a complete worry wart!

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Attila, I do send them a lot of photos and regularly text them. Partly to be kind and keep them involved in our lives, and partly because I enjoy sending the grandparents photos of the baby. I should dial back my contact, as you suggest, but it feels a bit cruel and I know they will think I'm a bad daughter (only child).

It sounds like there are others like me out there with anxious parents! You seem to all manage it a lot better than me. I know - I KNOW - it comes from a good place, but my goodness it enrages me like nothing else! Where do you find the patience to smile and nod and ignore? Or what do you say to gently help them dial it back?

Let them think what they like, you are not going to be able to change them. You can only change how you react to them. This is not being done from a place of love, more like control.

Put mental as well as physical distance between you and they.

Reaffirm your boundaries here re your parents, they do not seem to care very much about trying to trash your ways of bringing up your child. I am certain that on some level they think you are somehow incapable.

Your parents have a problem, do not make this yours.

Attila, what I don't understand is, why won't they change their behaviour if I've repeatedly asked them not to worry or make comments like these? Are parents incapable of change when it comes to their children?

It comes from a place of love so I want to be tolerant and kind, but I really struggle.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. The only response should be "What a silly thing to ask/worry about? You don't think I can properly care for my baby?"

They will never change. The only thing you have control of is how you react to their foolishness.

I’m not Asian and my mum is the same. You are handling it better than I did. I ended up snapping at my mum when she suggested my dd was too cold and I should put a jumper on her. I was holding a jumper at the time ready to put on her. I’m not proud to say I may have yelled something along the lines of “Do you think I’m stupid?” I was really pushed too far and snapped. Also told her to stop it. Not my proudest moment
DM mostly has stopped with the nagging. Thank god because it really felt like she didn’t trust me to look after my own children.

I have found my people! I have had threads on here about my parents and they sound so similar.

Sadly I have found the only way is to reduce what I tell them and never worry them with the small things. My children are 8 and 5 and I still have not really found a way to manage this . It makes me very sad and I think they definitely view DH and me as incapable. Which is really odd as they are not close by and we get on with day to day parenting on our own without them. I can only imagine they think we are doing a shit job so must ‘help’ as much as possible when they do see or speak to us. It’s exhausting and has damaged our relationship so much.

How did I cope? Well, see they don’t live here, we see them once a year. But also we have had some tough times with my younger son (in intensive care for over 2 months) and they still drove me nuts but their care and concern reminded me that they weren’t being controlling, they were just terrified and worried. And now that they are older they have less to distract them (both are retired). They were mostly great parents (although fairly paranoid) so I would find it beyond cruel to them or to my own children to minimise contact. They would be heartbroken.

Blondebaking and Toostressy, yes it's just like they don't trust us to parent properly! I have mentioned this to them before, and the response has been 'you've misunderstood, we think you're great parents'. But why does their behaviour suggest the opposite? I vacillate between thinking I'm being an oversensitive first-time mum and thinking they're being unsupportive and not listening to my feedback. The 'truth' is probably somewhere in between.

Not sure if this is true for you guys, but when my parents visit my dad will point out all that's 'wrong' with our house - need to replace the extractor fan filter, radiator needs bleeding, front door step has a loose tile, etc. It's meant well but again it feels critical and unnecessary (I know those things need doing but haven't got round to it!).

Kosha, I agree it would be cruel to minimise contact as they mean well. NC would never be an option for me, no matter how bad they got. My parents aren't retired like yours, but still seem to have plenty of time to scrutinise photos and tell me what's wrong with the baby's attire/skin/surroundings!

I once stepped off a plane having not seen my parents for 8-9 months. Also had a new haircut. My mother: oh god, what have you done with your hair? It’s ghastly.
Yes Ma, thanks. Welcome home to me.

My in laws are obsessed with how skinny my kids are. They are not. They are between the 25th-50th centile. Who listens to me?! Last time I really had to tell MIL to stop hounding my older one over every meal and hovering while every mouthful went in. It made him eat less and slower (who could blame him?).
And yes all this irritated me more with no 1. Eventually DH and I would just have to laugh about it together so we could unclench.

And oh the best bit, my parents were pretty strict but told me I was being ‘too harsh’ when I told their precious grandson off. Me: what would you have done if I had done X? Ma: two tight slaps (figuratively- she didn’t beat me!). Me: so why can HE do it and why can’t I say anything? Ma: Ummm. Just don’t yell so much. Me: Aaaaarrrrghhhhhh.

My mum is like this. I just accept it and it doesn't bother me but occasionally I'll respond with an overly blunt comment.she then stops for mmmm about 4 seconds, then starts again

Yep, all so familiar . Does anyone have any answers? Aside from not seeing them!

The only silver lining I can see is it has taught me to be 100% supportive of my DDs and their partners if they ever have children. Unless of course they are doing something downright dangerous.

There I suppose lies the problem... my parents think not doing extra homework etc is bad for the kids so I suppose they would view that as something they need to intervene in .

Toostressy, I'm with you, it's given me a lot to think about regarding parenting my own children. I love my parents because they're my parents, but I don't especially like them if I'm going to be honest, as brutal as that sounds. I really want something different for my relationship with my children.