Abusive father / disabled son

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My father was abusive to my mother and me and my siblings. Their marriage was not happy and they divorced when I was 9. I only ever had unhappy and scared memories of him . I’ve spent my adult life either scared of him, angry at him, demonising him, and I didn’t see him after he left. He’s dead now, died about 5 years ago. Only 3 people at his funeral, a very unhappy man who disowned , abused and alienated all he knew.

I have a son who from baby hood it has been obvious he had health and behavioural issues. All his life has been full of my trying hard to fight for a diagnosis and understanding of his condition. He has learning disabilities (severe dyspraxia )and struggles with many things. He can’t Read and write yet at 9. He can behave very badly out of frustration and anger. But he is lovely and has many amazing and brilliant qualities and I love him and will always try to support and understand him.

I’ve realised over the past year just how much he looks like my father. Very good looking and charming . And also that he has many similar personality traits. He is quick to anger, quick to blame, blames others for his mistakes. This all makes me feel very sad/strange/spooked.

Recently i’ve Found out from relatives that as a boy my father was very like my son. Also couldn’t read/write until adulthood, struggled to learn , behavioural problems. His parents sent him to boarding school apparently as they struggled to cope and that’s what you did in those days. Apparently he ran away lots. His father was very strict and abusive and favoured his brothers who were very academic. I think he got beaten and belittled. He ended up working as a labourer and latterly a long distance lorry driver.

Now i’m Left floundering, wondering how to feel. What if the father I always hated and demonised, was actually a little boy like my son, but instead of being loved and supported was abused and blamed and sent away?

Too late to ask questions. My mother and father are dead. Only one of his brothers is alive and I have no relationship with him.

What to feel? How to reframe and look at your life again?

OP it's very possible that he was like your son - but your experience of him was abusive and that's the only information you had at the time. If he had a terrible childhood that's still no excuse to give his children the same. Don't beat yourself up about it - just focus on your son, and how, despite being abused yourself you are a wonderful mother

Its tough to realise somthing like that. You must have a very hard time dealing with all these emotions and trying to deal with your sons needs. My son also has additional needs and I always worry about his future.

Look at this as a way to support your Dad. Give your son the love and support your Dad obviously never got. Fight with the schools and Council to get him the support he needs so he doesn't become isolated like your Father. Good luck.

Yes, I feel quite freaked out

One of my children has special educational needs, and really struggled at school. He found it so difficult, and would blame anyone that he could for his own failings. It was awful.

As time went on I realised he was doing what he'd seen other people doing. Apportioning blame for mistakes he'd made. I stepped back from finding fault with him, and from comparing him to family members, and recognised him as his own person.

We put money into private tuition where he needed it, when we could afford it. I went out of my way to love him as often as I could, and to praise him and show him how good he was. It was hard for a few years but he's now a talented, lovely young adult and despite how schools failed him over the years, he's doing brilliantly.