He is an ex for a reason, why would I want him back?

[Lorddenning1]

I will keep it brief or il end up waffling, me and ex DP were together for 9 yrs, we have 2 x DS together. We smokes weed and gambles and I was moody and unhappy and prob a little bit depressed and wouldn't accept him for who he was. After a very rough patch we called it time on our relationship, he is still there for the kids and pays for them etc, but we met someone else after 2 weeks (she is an ex ex if his) anyways once I found this out I took it really bad, signed off work not eating and sleeping, crying all the time etc.
This was 3 months ago but I'm still not over it yet, not even close. I briefly met someone myself, and it did distract me for a bit but now that's over too and now I'm back focusing on ex again.
I keep thinking he wasn’t that bad 😞 and did we just throw the towel in and not fight for it, but I know we wasn’t happy 😞
But I have got what I wanted so why am I still unhappy and depressed.
Is the grass not greener on the other side and why do I keep thinking I want him back.
Is this normal?

He smokes weed, not me

Totally normal, I miss my ex who cheated and lied to me. He is my default that I think of because I don't have anyone better to replace him with.
Just because you miss him, doesn't mean you need him back. Realise it's totally normal to miss him - especially at a time of year that may have a lot of memories with him. But also list out all the stuff he did to you and realise you are actually better off without.

Thanks :) I think you are right, I miss him, how can I not after 9 yrs together, I like the idea of a list, is like my brain has glossed over/forgot all the reasons why we are no longer together

Same here. Currently two months into being single again. Found out my long term partner had cheated four times because he was depressed. He has set up a new life with the OW, ten years my junior.

I still love him deeply and think of him every day. But I don't need him and certainly won't be taking him back

I downloaded some OLD apps, and felt 'guilty' for even looking so deleted them.

Going to the gym loads, lunches and coffee with friends.

I do feel like I'm running out of distractions though. I keep telling myself, it will and does get easier

I think it’s only natural OP. My ex treated me like a dog for many years and there are still times where I miss him. Each time he asks me to give him another chance I have to remain stoic and remind myself of what he did to me and my child.

My therapist said it’s trauma bonding.

Find your inner warrior and develop the art of contempt.
It's very, very powerful.

I just know if we got back together we would be ok for around a couple of months (that's being kind) and we would be right back to the way we was. We are not right for each other, both want different things. We split up after our first child for around 1 and a half years, got back together all was ok until we had our second child and the children were exactly the same age as we split up the first time and then then second time. In the end we were arguing in front of the children and we didn't want to damage them. So I know we have done the right thing it's just hard watching him move on and be happy with someone else