Divorce for SAHM

[Lostwords]

I wondered if there any Mums who were SAHM when looking at/going through divorce? I'm really anxious about how we'd manage it financially without me going back to work full time, and I'd really want to be around for 1 year old and 3 year old more than I could if working full time, not least because we've all been through major trauma - 1 year old was born with life threatening birth defect and spent a lot of time in hospital the first year, with a number of life threatening episodes. She's doing better now. I'm hoping we can avoid divorce and save the marriage, but the relationship dynamics are so hard and I'm finding the difficulties too hard to live with if they go on like this. It's been this hard for about 6 months. We're going to husbands home country for 3 months and will embark on couples therapy when we return, everything a bit up
In the air. Ive been thinking of giving the relationship a year to improve. The financial implications of divorce feel overwhelming, not to mention the sadness because of the children. I very much feel DH needs individual counselling as well as our couples counselling to help him with the trauma we've been through as well as other emotional issues, but he's not keen. I've been having my own counselling and finding it helpful.

Glad to read that your DDs condition is improving.

Why are you going with your kids to your H's home country at all let alone for 3 months?. What are your legal rights as a woman there, will you actually need his permission to leave the country with your children for instance?. I would think long and hard before getting on that plane particularly if this country is outside of Europe and is not a signatory to the Hague convention. You could well end up being stuck there with him.

If your H is not keen on counselling now what makes you think he will at all embark on couples counselling three months down the line? He likely won't. I would remain in the UK and consider seeking legal advice now with a view to divorce. It is better for your children to have two parents apart rather than two together where one decides to conduct their own private based war against the other. Staying for the kids anyway is rarely if ever a good idea because it places too a heavy burden upon the children. They are going to be taught that their parents relationship was based on a lie.

It may well be unrealistic to give this relationship a further year to improve, this is not likely to get any better for anyone.
If you find individual counselling helpful continue with that. You may also want to talk to the Rights of Women for some legal help.

I appreciate your concern about going to his country. He won't try to trap us there. He's a trustworthy person and also would have no interest in doing that. His job is here at a world class institution and he wouldn't want to leave that or to try to trap us. We planned to go for our baby's health, to escape winter cold and flu season here as she's vulnerable to chest infections and it's summer in Australia. It could be a tonic for us, as a nice place to be. I'm also aware I'll be away from my support network, though.

Husband is willing to try couples therapy, just not individual therapy.

I guess I'm at the stage of thinking through divorce, and wondering how a SAHM manages it, but hoping we can save the marriage.

I agree with PP - I wouldn't want to scaremonger but you do realise that if your husband changes his mind about his job and wants to stay in Australia, that once you are there you can't bring your child home to live here, don't you? That means you would be divorced and living in Australia, away from any support.

You need actions from him rather than mere words though.

Why can't/won't he do couples counselling here instead and what is he doing to try and save this marriage?. Is this mainly on you solely to save it, you seem to be doing all the legwork here including individual counselling. You cannot anyway save what could well be a failing marriage on your own; he has to want to put the work in.

I would look into the legalities of actually being able to bring your children back to the UK if your marriage completely breaks down whilst in Australia. It could well be that you are stuck there without support and as a lone parent to these children till they are of age.

Hi OP, sorry that this thread is taking a different turn to what you intended, but this is touching on an area I know a little about.

PPs seem to be unaware that there is a legal framework in place to prevent OP's husband keeping the children in Australia.

The UK & Australia are both signatories to The Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction. This means that, if your children are "habitually resident" in the UK and your husband removes them, or "retains" them in Australia without your consent, the Central Authority in Australia can apply on your behalf to return them to Britain. It can take up to a year to return them and there can be some exceptions, so I would recommend touching base with a lawyer or the CA in the UK before getting on a plane.

I hope that you working things out with DH and this doesn't become an issue, but I've had more to do with returning "abducted" kids than I would like and far too often the left behind parent trusted the removing parent.

Oh OP. What a stressful time that must have been for you all :( please think very carefully before going that far away. Your DH knows you are thinking about divorce and if you get out there and he decides he doesn’t want to return you are absolutely screwed. I’d suggest at the very least going to see a solicitor to find out the legal situation if things do break down while you are out there. You might want to think about getting him to sign documents (on solicitor advice) giving you full parental rights or something along those lines to protect you. I’ve heard stories like this before and the women end up trapped overseas or being forced to leave their kids. Please please please protect yourself. Have you got medical insurance too? What happens if your 1 year old gets poorly? If there are prior complications insurance companies won’t cover medical expenses. You must be fully covered as there isn’t NHS out there.

Thank you for the advice and concern. I will look into it.

Yes have extensive medical insurance to fully cover dd.

Anyone want to reply re the experience of going through divorce as a SAHM? X

OP you haven't really said much about what these issues are that are making you consider divorce. As for the financial implications, it really depends on your circumstances. Do you have a mortgage? Do you want to seek the house? Do you want to stay in the house with the children and your husband move out? You wouldnt be expected to return to work yet with a 1 year old baby because you would be entitled to benefits.

I meant sell the house

antipodeanjo Thank you. Would you advise ringing the CA in the UK? Do they provide advice to individuals in this way?

I've been thinking more about this issue. At first I thought it would never happen, and I still think on balance it's unlikely, but it's just occurred to me that he could well receive a job offer while in Oz as he will have some work collaborations while we're there.

His job is here at a world class institution and he wouldn't want to leave that

So is he taking 3 months of unpaid annual leave to go to Australia? Doesn't sound normal to me no matter what 'world class institution' he works for.
How exactly has this been organised/approved with his employer and how will it be funded?

I also wouldn't be so confident that your kids would be returned under the Hague Convention. Court cases can drag out for years and the longer the dc are in that country the more their lifestyle is deemed as 'stable' and their 'norm' and this heavily affects the court decision as to what is best for the dc.
Given the medical issues re one of your dc that would also be a big contributing factor in keeping them in a warmer climate rather then returning them to a country where he could argue that the climate would be detrimental to their health. ....by using dc's health as a reason for this 3 month trip the precedent is already being set.

You need to speak to a solicitor re your entitlement in the event of a divorce and start lining up all your ducks.
Do you have access to family funds/savings?
Do you have any money in your own personal accounts that he could not prevent access to?
Is your house owned or rented? What happens to this family home if go abroad for 3 months?
Check out the benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent and at least the minimum maintenance he would have to pay for the dc.

I personally think you're being very naive by assuming a 3 month 'trip' to his home country is a good idea and that he can be trusted.
He is not keen on personal therapy probably because he doesn't believe he's at fault in any way...in couples therapy he can just say the only reason there are problems are because of you - and even then he's not exactly keen on doing this.

You're going along with this happy family charade out of fear of having to be a lone parent.
you're extremely vulnerable (especially without access to huge amounts of cash it would take to fight a possible international court case), you'd also be away from all your own support network whilst being overwhelmed/overpowered by his.
You would be completely reliant on him over there, even more so than you are here.

I think your best option would be to stay put here until your marriage issues are resolved properly.

Hi op. I won't comment on the trip abroad as you've had lots of advice, but more about divorcing as a sahm.

My sister divorced in similar circumstances two years ago. It took a year for the divorce to go through. Basically all assets were put into the pot and divided, 60/40 in her favour.

She got the house (equity), some of his pension, and a small amount of cash. He pays child maintenance, and spousal maintenance for five years, to allow her to prepare for full time work. She claims tax credits, family allowance and council tax relief I think.

This was only possible because he was willing to keep his name on the mortgage, because her mortgage provider wouldn't let her take it over herself (they don't take maintenance into account). If he hadn't agreed to this, she would have had to look for something much smaller and take out a mortgage with a provider that did accept SM.

Similarly, if there hadn't been enough cash in the pot, the house would have had to be sold in order to release his share of the equity. A case can sometimes be made for the resident parent to stay in the family home for a number of years, even until the children are 18, but it depends on the size of the home, the monthly cost of the mortgage, his ability to adequately house himself.

For example it would be difficult to defend remaining in a huge six bedroom home, or argue for SM to pay a £3k pm mortgage. Much easier to justify staying in a modest 3-bed home, paying a £500pm mortgage because if you sold it, you'd still need a 3-bed home and the mortgage/rent would be no cheaper.

Until all of this was settled, for about a year, he continued paying his full wage into their joint account. It was a struggle to run two homes, and their savings were hit hard, but at least he didn't leave her penniless, he was very decent actually.

You obviously do need proper legal advice about your specific circumstances, but HTH.

@Lostwords sorry for late reply, I only just saw your latest post (my DD has been born since then).

Are you still coming out here? Hope things have improved with DH?

I would recommend getting in touch with the English Central Authority before coming out here, although in my experience it might be a bit hard to find an actual human to speak to.

A PP was right, using The Hague Convention to get kids back can be very costly and is always stressful, it is much much better that it isn't needed. (Ie, if things are really bad with DH before coming here, get him to agree in writing that it is for a short holiday and that the kids are to return to England). I would ideally recommend seeing a lawyer who could arrange for the agreement to be done by way of court order.

All the best x

Hi. I separated from my H last yr for a short period and thought we were going to separate fully. I went from working part time to full time in preparation for this as I couldn't see how we could survive on 0.5 wages even with support from H. I've kept the full time job as I want to see how things go with H.

You need to get legal advice really. Would your H earn enough to pay for the running of 2 houses? In my situation I would have wanted to sell the house and buy my own. I didn't want H to be left in a rental while we were in the family home, it didn't seem fair. I just presumed that if we separated sacrifices needed to be made on my behalf and one of them was not being able to work part time